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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To remind the ex about CSA...

18 replies

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 20:46

I have posted about my ex a couple of times before; very brief background - we split when ds was 9 months old and he's never made much of an effort either where contact or maintenance are concerned. I opened a CSA case 6 years ago and it took them 2 years to get any money out of him, which they only managed by securing an attachment to his earnings. His response was to quit his job whenever they caught up to him and he has been out of work ever since. He sees ds on average twice a year and only then because his wife contacts me to arrange visits.

Back to the current situation then! He has finally got a new job. When last we discussed maintenance about 3 months ago, his viewpoint was that I should close the CSA case so that he could instead use the money to travel and see ds (we live about 100 miles away now). I said no because that was effectively him asking ds to subsidise their contact and that the money was meant to be separate and to cover things ds needs. Neither one of us has mentioned the CSA or any maintenance payments since he got the new job. It's the elephant in the room.

I could just phone the CSA myself but I don't know exactly where he's working. I could tell him to call them and get his act together BUT - and here's where I'm not sure if I'm BU to even be thinking about this just now - the ex has literally just this week been told that his mother has a matter of weeks to live. She was diagnosed with cancer early last year and despite treatment it has spread aggressively. I took ds back to our home town to visit her in hospital, quite possibly for the last time, and everyone's emotions are running very high. Ex and I have been talking a lot more than usual - and much more civilly than usual - about how to explain to 9yo ds what is happening to his grandmother, so I'm very aware of how hard this is on the whole family, especially as ex-PIL and I used to be very close.

AIBU to even think about the ex and maintenance now he's finally working again, bearing in mind his track record for avoiding paying? If I leave it up to him I know he'll never bother to tell them he's earning again and he'll certain never pay anything voluntarily (been there and had that conversation with him a thousand times). Is there such a thing as a sensitive way to prompt him to deal with this at the same time as coming to terms with his mother's prognosis? Should I just leave it and wait for a less traumatic time for everyone? Or am I doing ds a disservice by not making sure his dad gets on track with his financial support asap?

OP posts:

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 21:49

bump

Would really appreciate any insight from you lovely vipers. I can't make head nor tail of the whole situation!

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 04/10/2013 21:57

Sounds tricky. Yes, I think leave it until a less traumatic time. But of course after that, you should be frank with him, and tell him he should now be contributing, and what is he going to do about it. If nothing, then you have to get in touch with the CSA. It's not you being vindictive, you are just doing the right thing by DS.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/10/2013 22:01

His mother and his lack of payments are two totally separate issues.
You're doing nothing more than letting your DS down if you don't pursue his poor excuse for a father.

Or think of it another way, if your DM was dying would he be rushing to your side offering to pay as a way to support you. I think not...

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 22:01

Thanks, MajesticWhine. Who knew being a grown-up would be such a headache!

OP posts:

Lora1982 · 04/10/2013 22:02

I would remind him. Show as much concern for him and his situation as he has for your son, none.

thenightsky · 04/10/2013 22:02

I wouldn't leave it on the grounds that it appears to take the CSA 2 years to get there. Two years is a long time to wait.

DameEdnasBridesmaid · 04/10/2013 22:02

Stay with the CSA. I made the mistake of thinking X woulda do the right thing and pay up, so cancelled the CSA? it was alright until he decided he had 'other priorities'.

Don't trust him to do the right thing by your DC, his track record says exactly what he is and where his priorities lie.

Think only of your DC because sure as he'll he won't.

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 22:03

You're totally right, Chippednailvarnish. If the roles were reversed, he wouldn't be offering any support or input into my life at all. Do you have any suggestions for how to actually bring it up without coming across as being grabby or insensitive?

OP posts:

GatoradeMeBitch · 04/10/2013 22:07

Your child still needs to be provided for, whatever else is going on in life. It might be kinder to ask him directly and give him the chance to sort it out with you instead of just calling the CSA. Preface it with saying that you know it's an awful time, and you feel terrible about the timing, but...

If his mother only has a few days to live, it may be kind to wait a couple of weeks, but if you need the financial support you need to prioritise your DC over your ex.

Chippednailvarnish · 04/10/2013 22:08

I really wouldn't give a shit about appearing "grabby or insensitive" to someone who only sees their child twice a year...

My DF never paid a penny towards meme (no CSA back then) and 35 years later it still pisses me off. I deserved to be treated better and so does your DS.

I think he's playing on your emotions for his mother.

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 22:13

I don't think the CSA will do much if I just ring them and say he's working. I don't know where he's working so can't give them the details, which is why I'd need to prompt him to either give me the information with a view to me passing it on to the CSA or telling him to call up himself to sort it. Either way, I'm fairly certain he will react badly and I'll end up looking like the arsehole!

You're all right though. DS deserves to have the financial support from his father, no matter what's going on in other areas of our lives. I couldn't just stop parenting if my mum was in that situation after all.

OP posts:

ModeratelyObvious · 04/10/2013 22:22

If you phone the CSA and let them know he's working, does that mean that the claim starts from now rather than from the time he gets round to calling them?

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 22:29

If you phone the CSA and let them know he's working, does that mean that the claim starts from now rather than from the time he gets round to calling them?

I'm not 100% but from what I remember last time, they send a letter to him if I call up (hard because he won't give them his new address) and start the claim from then. At least I think that's how they handle it.

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 04/10/2013 22:33

I'd phone the CSA sooner rather than later. To start with, it will probably take them ages to process the claim. Even if it doesn't take that long, all he'll have to do is respond to a letter, which really isn't that arduous.

Of course he'll either ignore it and/or ask you how you could be so callous as to bring this up at such a difficult time - yet more stalling tactics. Just tell him that unfortunately, your son still needs to be fed, regardless of what is going on in his life.

blondieminx · 04/10/2013 22:35

Tell the CSA. Then chase them 2-3 times a week till they sort out the payments. Make it easier for them to sort out your case than to have to speak to you about why they haven't done anything yet

Your ex sounds like he has very little regard for his son so the very least he can do is contribute towards his upkeep.

Don't worry for a moment about sounding grabby. If that's what he tries to make out, then that's his tactic for trying to keep you meek and quiet... Enough, stand up for your son! "The CSA checked our case and awarded maintenance. That is not being paid. I am not going to settle for nothing for our son, and your past actions lead me to think I can't trust your word so I will be keeping this official." then repeat ad infinitum or put the phone down.

I can't believe the tosser managed to find a wife when he treats the mother of his son so appallingly!

MsVestibule · 04/10/2013 22:37

But don't you know his address, to pass to the CSA? And if he's working legitimately, it shouldn't be that difficult to trace who he's working for through his NI number? I don't know how it all works, but they must have processes in place for this type of situation. Although from the bad experiences I know many people have had through the CSA, maybe not...

Original poster

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 04/10/2013 22:49

But don't you know his address, to pass to the CSA?

No, I don't. He won't tell me because I would pass it on to the CSA. The more I write all this down, the clearer it seems that I should just call them and get it over with. Perhaps having more contact with him recently has made me feel sorry for him and clouded my judgment. Either that or I'm a pushover!

OP posts:

lottieandmia · 04/10/2013 22:56

I agree that the situation with his mother (however sad) and his responsibility to support his son are two separate issues. Don't ask him - open a case with the CSA. If you can, find out where he is working.

My ex-husband who still sees his daughters regularly and is very much a part if their lives cancelled his child maintenance payments because he had credit cards to pay off apparently! So I had to go to the CSA and he ignored them so they had to get a DEO. I still can't believe he would so such a thing but I won't be going back to a private arrangement any time soon.

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