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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect some support from dh when I'm in tears over work

22 replies

lecce · 03/10/2013 23:18

Dh is a sahd to our 4 &6 yr old, both now in school. I work f/t as a teacher with extra responsibilities. I work about 60 hours a week and have very little time to myself - barely any. Dh has all day, though he does do nearly all the housework.

This week has been even busier than normal for me as we had an open evening (9pm finish) and then tonight another meeting until 7. On top of this, yesterday morning I received an email from the head detailing some new plans he has for the school (academy) in response to Gove's latest brainwave. I and some other senior colleagues have a meeting with the head in the morning and I have every reason to believe our working conditions could be seriously worsened.

I told dh about this (it was 10pm by the time we managed to chat) and he barely showed any interest, though he was tired (he has MS). I got a bit irritated and he perked up but refused to admit my concerns were valid, telling me I always think the worst, every year I have said it's going to get worse, blah, blah.

I ended up in tears but was also angry. He started shouting, loudly, that I had no right to take it out on him, it wasn't his fault. I at no point was ranting or taking anything out on him. I was upset and worried and wanted some support.

Now he is in bed and I am downstairs. There is no way I'm getting in bed with him, though he is asleep now. I have to be up at 5am and I feel so shit. I feel as if all I am to him is the person who brings in the money and he just doesn't want to hear that that may ever be in jeopardy.

To make it worse, he is away with his Dad this weekend - will leave as soon as I get back tomorrow afternoon, so I have a weekend on my own with the dc knackered and worrying about work and the state of my crap marriage.

AIBU to have expected better from him?

OP posts:

NatashaBee · 03/10/2013 23:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gobbynorthernbird · 03/10/2013 23:29

My husband is exactly the same. Don't worry about it until it happens, it happened so do X to solve it. If I just want a winge I have to call a girlfriend. It's not that he doesn't care, just that he has to be practical rather than emotional.

echt · 03/10/2013 23:31

Agree with last two posters. Been there.

josiejay · 03/10/2013 23:35

Is he struggling to cope with the kids? You mention he has MS and I don't know enough about the condition to comment on that but maybe he is really suffering? Or maybe he is bored/unfulfilled now the youngest is at school. If he has no adult conversation all day until a rant from you about how awful your day has been then I can see how he might feel a bit frustrated. Yes, he should be supportive and listen but that works both ways.

You're clearly extremely stressed about work. The burden of being the sole provider must seem very heavy on you too. Is there any way you can reduce some of your extra responsibilities? A regular 60 hour week isn't healthy, I don't know if it's normal for a teacher or not but it's clearly having a major impact on you and your family.

bimbabirba · 03/10/2013 23:36

He's probably been on another planet taking care of the children all day and couldn't relate much to your problems or didn't know what to say. I'm not saying he was right but these things happen in the best marriages. Try to speak to him when you're both not exhausted next time perhaps? My husband is the same by the way, pretty hopeless if I need to vent, especially at that time of night

JemR234 · 03/10/2013 23:36

(But he shouldn't shout at you regardless, that isn't kind or fair).

Amy106 · 04/10/2013 03:11

Teaching is really hard work. Unless you are a teacher, it is difficult to understand just how hard it really is or how long the week work is. Have you considered joining a teacher forum, one with a good support network like ProTeacher.net for example. You could vent there without fear of teacher bashing and get advice from fellow teachers. I know you want real life support and you certainly deserve to be heard but at least it would a positive and supportive way to vent.

MrsBW · 04/10/2013 03:20

Totally agree with the first two posters.

My DH has a desire to 'fix' things for me when I moan sometimes... And shows signs of being upset/angry/anxious occasionally when he can't. Could this be that? Trying to be positive by saying 'you think the worst' meaning 'it might not be that bad'?

Sometimes, if I just need a whine, I talk to a girlfriend instead.

Original poster

lecce · 04/10/2013 05:28

Thank you for replies.

Seems like I should expect nothing from him, then? He's a man so can't be expected to show any empathy or just have the decency to listen to me. He didn't actually try to fix things. He just shouted me down and, by the end, was refusing to let me speak to justify myself.

OP posts:

NellysKnickers · 04/10/2013 06:19

You should expect something from him, he's being a selfish twat. Do talk to him though, could he work part-time and maybe you do a bit less. It's not just your responsibility to bring in the money, you are married, you should work as a team. Hope you feel a bit brighter this morning.

MammaTJ · 04/10/2013 06:26

Dh has all day, though he does do nearly all the housework.

If it were a man saying that about a SAHM there would be uproar!!

He should be supportive, he should show empathy. BUT, do you moan a lot to him? Is he feeling guilty about you working so much and him not working? These could both have caused his response.

cupcake78 · 04/10/2013 06:30

Agree men 'fix'. My dh is good but I have to pre fix it with 'I just need to talk about it'. If he's being rubbish, which happens quite a lot then girlfriends it is.

CoffeeTea103 · 04/10/2013 06:42

If this was in reverse the responses would be different on here! You had this conversation at 10pm, after he had a full day with the kids and him also being tired so what did you expect? He also commented that you always expect the worst, do you always do this? Seriously if this was a sahm who was exhausted after a full day with the kids and not be able to give her husband some attention at 10pm , then she would be getting all the sympathy.

Polpotsbabyteeth · 04/10/2013 06:46

I don't mention work to my husband. I have a middle-management job similar to yours profession-wise, on the front line. Every time I try to mention anything about work he cuts me off with solutions even berating me for being weak sometimes. In my experience men just don't communicate like women. I feel 10 times worse after talking to a man. Unheard. I save moaning about work for the women in my life.
The downside is we do not communicate and therefore our marriage is poo.

LindyHemming · 04/10/2013 06:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Department · 04/10/2013 07:02

I think if you were a wohd complaining about a sham, with ms, who did all the hw there would outrage here!

It's a shame he's not more understanding, but he doesn't understand, just like you don't understand his "working" day. And it's true teachers are always complaining that things are getting worse! IMO that's true in almost every sector atm.

When i was SHAM alone or with DC all day until he got home after working late it was miserable if all he had to talk about was moans about work. If you were out from early til late he hasn't just done all the hw, he's done everything for dc too.

Also, he probably feels helpless-there's nothing he can do and worried as the family are dependant on you.

Sounds like you are in need if support. Is there anyone at work you could turn to?

cupcake78 · 04/10/2013 07:17

I agree that dh has had to be taught what I need from him and he from me.

Artandco · 04/10/2013 07:18

Tbh you both sound like you work hard and are tired

You- teacher
Him - sahd, does all housework and cooking, has ms

Is there anyway you could get a cleaner once a week? Help dh with workload so he isn't so tired with ms also and that in turn will help you as he will be able to listen and empathise with you more if he isn't as exhausted

Original poster

lecce · 04/10/2013 11:37

It never fails to amaze me that whenever I or another poster with a similar set-up to mine, post about this kind of thing, the response is always, from some posters, "Oh,imagine if you were a man treating your wife like this!" I'm not a man and dh is not a wife. Despite the hours I work, I still do pretty much everything for the dc at the weekends, all bedtimes (apart from in weeks like this one) etc. I do all costume sorting, playdate arranging, homework (I admit this is partly because of control issues I have) etc. Yet because dh does the housework, during the 6 child-free hours a day he has, I can expect nothng back from him in the way of support?

Yes, he has MS but is having no symptoms at the moment. Yes, he was tired, but did that excuse him shouting me down and making me feel small?

I don't know that some people realise how demoralising it is to feel like you are only important due to the money you bring in,and no one actually cares how tired and stressed you are.

No text from him today . Why should I need to bore girlfriends, who I see very little of, for obvious reasons, with this shit when I have someone who is supposed to be my partner?

OP posts:

MyMotherHadMeTested · 04/10/2013 11:43

Sorry you're having such a hard time (and getting a hard time here about it too!)
Totally disagree with posters saying it would be different if roles were reversed... in general I think the Mumsnet view is that once the children are at school a SAHP has a pretty easy time, and that doing the housework really doesn't take 6 hours a day! It sounds like at the moment there's a massive disparity between your roles in supporting the family, and its unfair that you're supposed to suck it up and get on with it, without even getting the recognition and support you need from your dh.
Is there anything you can do this weekend to have a bit of a break - anyone who can help with the kids, or a bit of a duvet/dvd/junk food day?
Longer term, can things change - eg you both work part-time?

Tailtwister · 04/10/2013 11:47

I have to agree that I've found my DH very unhelpful in times of work stress as well. His reaction at the time was that I had no choice and just had to get on with it. I've found him incapable of listening or offering support. Unless he can do something to actually fix the problem then he's no help at all.

He might not be able to help you with your work, but he can support you at home. He needs to do more at the weekends (I understand he has MS, but maybe he can ease the pressure a little bit) and be a bit more sympathetic.

My DH was so unsupportive when I returned to my stressful job after having DS2 that I ended up having to quit and take a significant amount of time off (about a year and a half). Luckily I was in a financial position to do so, but it was a wake up call for him.

Original poster

lecce · 04/10/2013 11:51

Thank you. I want to do everything at the weekends -it's the only quality time I get with the dc. What annoys me is that when we discuss the future, he will often say, "Of course, you'll be earning more by then!" Yet he doesn't see that, in this climate that is far from a given - I could end up earning less - and that promotion doesn't come without an increased workload (of course). I am ambitious, but he seems to take advantage of this.

OP posts:

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