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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD? Childcare swap

17 replies

ediepop · 03/10/2013 17:32

I am tapping into the Mumsnet massive as I am really not sure what the right thing to do is...so WWYD.

I started back at work 2 days a week, this week after maternity leave. DD (10 mos) is on one of those days being looked after a good friend as a childcare swap. My friend is not formally going back to work, but is an academic/journalist and wants a day a week to write/pitch articles etc, so which day/times I look after her daughter is flexible. This is fine with me.

On Tuesday, 'Rachel' looked after DD from 8.30am to 5.30pm, so a pretty full day. This week Rachel asked me to babysit tonight (Thursday) as it's her birthday, instead of doing a day of childcare. This was fine, and I slightly rearranged plans in order make sure I was available. Rachel has now texted to say she is unwell, can't face going out tonight. I commiserated, offered to babysit tomorrow night or next week instead. She has replied to say she would rather I looked after her daughter tomorrow morning, so she can lie in bed feeling rubbish.

The problems, the plans I rearranged were that instead going to see PIL an hour and a half away today, we go tomorrow. I could send DD with DH who has annual leave, and babysit for Rachel. The problem with that is it will mean I will have only spent today with DD. (Monday, DH took her out all day so I could prepare for returning to work) Going back to work has been fairly difficult for both DD and I and I'm reluctant to spend another day away from her. One the other hand, my friend is ill, and I know how awful it is looking after a small one when you feel rubbish, and I definitely owe her some time.

My initial instinct was to say no to Rachel, but the more I think about it, I think I morally owe her the time. But I also owe my DD as much time with me as possible...

N.B. I'm very reluctant to cancel DD seeing her grandparents, as she is their only grandchild, they adore her and don't see her often as they live 3.5 hours away.

OP posts:

GentlyGentlyOhDear · 03/10/2013 17:36

I think you need to make clear which days/times you are available as you can't just be at your friend's beck and call all the time.
If you can't do tomorrow then say you can't do it - it was never the arrangement!

YellowDinosaur · 03/10/2013 17:36

I don't think it's unreasonable to say no. it's very short notice.

In future I think it will work better for you to have a fixed day a week you have her dd but that this can be changed with notice if you don't have other plans. It's totally unreasonable for her to expect you to keep the while week free to fit around her.

I'd apologise and say you have plans for tomorrow but that she has a nights babysitting in the bank.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 17:39

You are making this too complicated. You have a good arrangement and it seems flexible, but that does not mean you are obligated to each and every request. If tomorrow is not possible then it's not possible. You don't need to go to great lengths justifying( dd is only grandchild) this to your friend. Just tell her that you had prior arrangements, which is the truth.

notundermyfoof · 03/10/2013 17:48

Could you take her dd with you to mils? I agree with others that you shouldn't feel bad about saying no as she changed the plans at such short notice.

Rowanred · 03/10/2013 17:52

Can't you just take her dd with you to PILs?

phantomnamechanger · 03/10/2013 17:53

you are not on call 24/7, you have a life - she needs to see this

just say you cant do it, its not like you are letting her down, this is a last minute change to the agreed plan

ElbowPrincess · 03/10/2013 17:55

Couldn't you take her with you?

ElbowPrincess · 03/10/2013 17:56

You also need to set out when you do/dont have this child.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/10/2013 18:03

This is an arrangement that is going to be very difficult to manage successfully long term.

I would do it this time and then have a conversation agreeing some serious ground rules.

Mindmaps · 03/10/2013 18:15

Why not just take both babies with you especially as you have DH with you ? I think actually think the arrangement could work really well and yes she changed the plans, but she is also long term the most flexible out of the two of you, and I think a little effort now on your part will pay off for your Dd as you could find yourself trying to find a nursery as your friend does not 'need' childcare and you do !

mumofweeboys · 03/10/2013 18:18

Txt her back and tell her your sorry but you promised to take dd to visit grandparents tomorrow. Offer to take her child with you or do an IOU for hours you owe her.

cartoad · 03/10/2013 18:20

Another one who thinks you should say no to tomorrow as you already have plans that involve other people. But that she has a day's childcare or evening's baby sitting that you owe her.

It's fine for her to have asked as you might have not had anything on and it might have been ok but any deviation from your normal times has to be mutally agreed rather than expected regardless of the other person's comittments.

hermioneweasley · 03/10/2013 18:24

Taking care of a little one when you,re not feeling well is grim. Just take your friend's DD with you.

Original poster

ediepop · 03/10/2013 18:35

Hmm, interesting responses. You are all mainly agreeing with DH that it's a change of plans at too short notice and I should say no.

Trouble is, I am a bit of a people pleaser, hence tying myself in knots trying to make everyone happy. I also remember when I had D&V a couple of months ago, I had to get my parents to look after DD as I was so ill I couldn't. But I think I probably need to prioritise DDs need to be with me, and PILs longstanding arrangement to see their grandchild. Rachel probably has other people she could ask if really desperate.

It hadn't occurred to me to just offer to take Rachel's DD with us. I ran it past DH, but he thinks his parents will find it odd to have another baby there, as they just want to make a massive fuss of DD. Plus they are staying in a caravan, so not sure there is enough room for two active crawlers.

You are all also right - we need to settle on a regular day for me to have Rachel's DD. We did discuss it briefly, but didn't settle on anything. To be fair, I definitely don't think she expects me to be on call and super flexible, it was just this week has gone a bit complicated with birthdays/PILs/illness.

OP posts:

phantomnamechanger · 03/10/2013 18:40

does she not have other options? family? other friends?

what if her DD is incubating whatever she has, not fair to inflict a sick random child on your PILS (by the way will they not think it very rude if you turn up with a strange child in tow, I would!)

I think this will end up being one of those mutual arrangements where she takes and you give, TBH. You will get taken for granted if you agree to this now, do not set the precedent.

Jenny70 · 03/10/2013 18:44

I'd offer to take 2 crawlers to PIL, rachel may not fancy sending her dd on big driving trip to non-family.... PIL might be slightly surprised, but when the illness etc is explained,I'm sure it would be fine - plenty of cute moments as they do stuff together etc... take them to soft play to crawl about, chat and tire them out. It's not like othwr child will dominate....

Turniptwirl · 03/10/2013 19:29

You owe her a days babysitting yes, but this should be at a mutually convenient time , not something you change your plans for

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