Was I wrong to say "I'm sorry"

[jacksquat]

After weeks of uncertainty my friend found out this week that her little girl has severe cystic fibrosis. She told me on Monday and I said "I'm so sorry, if you need to talk I'm here for you" at which my friend replied rather sharply "why are you saying you're sorry? she's fine". I was taken aback and didn't know what to say, my friend stormed off...

Did I say the wrong thing? Was I unreasonable to say I was sorry? I am sorry, I would much rather her daughter didn't have this condition. Should I have said something different?

She is not responding to my texts, I really didn't mean to upset her.

She's venting, give her time.

You didn't do anything wrong.

I imagine she is in shock/denial wait a while before you contact her again.

you didn't say the wrong thing, but it would be perfectly reasonable for her not to want to hear it.

Time is the thing here I think.

Your friend might be feeling shocked/upset and is taking your well-meaning out of context. Give her time and some space; apologise for offending her and perhaps say something about not meaning to so clumsily express your support. If she's a good friend, she'll come around.

She's venting and upset. Give her time.

For future, even if DCs have something 'wrong', to us parents they are still our perfect children. Non-assumptive language is the way to go. Like 'Oh, that must have been a shock to you, if you need to talk about it I'm here' would have been better. But honestly, it's OK, you didn't do anything wrong. Give her time.

Also - and I don't mean this unkindly - sorting things out with you is the last thing on her to-do list right now. She's just found out her DD has cystic fibrosis so she is reeling. Give her a few days before you try again, but don't keep texting etc.

You were not wrong. I think it's just one of those very difficult times when there isn't really any "right" thing to say and people are upset so will be very sensitive.

Some people can be odd about the "sorry" thing.
I told an acquaintance I was sorry to hear that his mum had died and he said "Why are you sorry - it wasn't your fault."
Well, no, obviously, but y'know ....
Very awkward.
Anyway don't worry yourself, you did nothing wrong.

In these situations there is no right or wrong. It could have been anything. The important thing is to stick by her and keep being there for her.

I would go online and visit some CF forums. I bet there are threads there along the lines of what they wish friends and family would/wouldn't say and do. You will be able to get an idea of the common pitfalls and also what you can really do to help your friend.

Iused to get cross with people when they found out my mother had dies when I was a child - they would always say I'm sorry and it would irritate me no end. The reason, I now understand, was that I hadn't worked out for myself how I felt about it all (I was very young when she died) and their 'sorry' didn't gel with my emotions/thoughts about it. She is likewise probably still trying to process the diagnosis.

I would advise you send her a letter (not a text or something easily deleted) saying that you didn't mean to upset her, that you were only trying to express your support as you are aware that it can be difficult when a family member has a long term medical condition, and that if she needs anything she should let you know. Then give her some time.

Ooh thank you all. It did feel a little clumsy saying "I'm sorry" but I honestly couldn't think what to say at the time. I'd just assumed it would have turned out to be something else - something easily treatable...

Sometimes it is honest just to say 'That's a bit of a shock, I am not sure what to say right now...is there anything I can do to help?'. When you speak to her again; you have to the chance to revisit the conversation and find different words if appropriate. I agree with others that what you said wasn't wrong - just received differently to intended. Good Luck

Conversely to Zia I find it a normal response when I tell people my parents died when I was a child. I think it's just a standard term people use to try and show empathy and often when they feel put on the spot.
You may have been the tenth person to say it to her that day though. You did nothing wrong. Perhaps leave it for a bit and then in a few weeks try again.

And sorry Zia I didn't get the full jist of your post at first-get where you're coming from.