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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to babysit on DH's birthday

47 replies

theuntamedshrew · 03/10/2013 09:19

my dh's birthday is coming up and i asked him what he wanted to do, he says he wants to go out drinking with the boys and i stay at home at babysit - he says its his birthday he should be able to do what he wants, i think its a bit mean. AIBU?

OP posts:

ObamasElfWithAOuijaBoard · 03/10/2013 10:35

My boyfriend went out with his friends on his birthday and I stayed at home with the baby. Didn't bother me at all.

However, he rarely goes out so I practically pushed him out of the door. If it was a regular thing I'd feel the same way you do so YANBU.

LouiseAderyn · 03/10/2013 10:39

I think the point of being married is that you want to he with your partner more than you want to be with other people. Now I'm not saying couples have to be joined at the hip, but if your life partner doesn't want your company more than he wants the company of his mates and is always leaving you behind while he goes out and has fun elsewhere, there is clearly something wrong. A man who loves a woman, wants to be with her and celebrate big events with her.

Bowlersarm · 03/10/2013 11:04

I agree Louise.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship where DH didn't want to be in my company, especially for special events.

WinteronPluto · 03/10/2013 11:17

Mean, I think.

If you were happy with him doing this, then all fine. If you had night out planned another time, then I think all fine too.

But if he knows you would like to come, why not have a girls and boys night out and get a babysitter? Or have a night out together on the day and let him have a separate boys night the following week (presumably the "boys" don't care what day they go out on).

I imagine the issue is him not wanting you to come rather than the fact of babysitting?

I think you need to say to him that you are a bit hurt by this - that you understand he needs to spend time with the boys occasionally but that you were hoping to celebrate with him too. After all he is v important person in your life and you would like to be more than just joint childcarers, but a couple with some romantic life etc.

If there are other issues then this might just be a sign of them? Maybe he has just got used to taking it in turns to have a life and has forgotten that you were once a real couple? Have a calm chat with him about how you feel, focussing not on having a go at him, but the fact that you would like to do couple things together and enjoy his company.

because I guess you are feeling unappreciated.

FrightRider · 03/10/2013 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Famzilla · 03/10/2013 11:38

On this subject alone, YABU. We have no-one to babysit DD so we don't go out together, even on birthdays. it's sad as we're both still very young but those are the consequences of having kids!

However if this is a symptom of a bigger issue then maybe YANBU.

MrsDeVere · 03/10/2013 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VenusDeWillendorf · 03/10/2013 11:43

Do you really want to go out with the boys, his friends?

If you don't want to "babysit" (strange word, I presume you mean look after your own children, ie "parent"?!) then arrange a babysitter and go out yourself.

Personally, I wouldn't mind if my DH wanted to go out with the boys on his birthday,,it's HIS birthday after all, and you and he can have romantic evenings any old time. Just make sure to book a babysitter!

LouiseAderyn · 03/10/2013 11:48

I think people who ask if he csn soend the day with you and then gi out or whi talk about doing something together another time, are missing the point.

If my dh didn't want to be with me more than going out eith mates, damned if I'd ferl like going out with him at all, tbh.

I wabt to be the most important person to my dh and I want being with me to be his priority. I dont want to be squashed around the edges of his life - a duty to be slotted in around the actual fun!

The problem here is that he is not viewing a night out with his wife as the niccest thing he could do on his birthday!

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 03/10/2013 11:48

Well now I feel bad. It was my birthday yesterday and DH took the day off work so I could spend the day shopping without the children in tow. It's something I very rarely get to do. We did have a nice breakfast and a meal out (with the DCs as well) for dinner though.

LouiseAderyn · 03/10/2013 11:49

my fucking phone is doing my head in. Apologies if you can't decipher my post

fluffyraggies · 03/10/2013 11:50

YANBU.

As a simple 'is a person being reasonable to do what they like on their birthday night?' question - then the answer has to be yes. It's reasonable for them to do what they fancy.

BUT - if the birthday person wants to spend their birthday with folk they see all bloomin' week anyway AND their partner is being actively left out and saddened by it then - no, it's not reasonable and TABAS (they are being a shit)

YippeeKiYayMakkaPakka · 03/10/2013 11:51

And for me, it wasn't about not wanting to spend the day with my family (in fact I sort of missed them), but about having the chance to do something that I hardly ever do (i.e. have some time to myself; I'm a SAHM) on my 'special' day.

FrightRider · 03/10/2013 11:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LouiseAderyn · 03/10/2013 11:53

Yippee, that feels different because you werent saying to him 'my mates are more fun than you' - you presumably needed him to care for the dc, in order to give you time to do a specific activity. It would only seem wrong to me if you actively didn't want his company, rather thsn needing him to look after the kids.

TheFabulousIdiot · 03/10/2013 11:55

What would you do if the situation was reversed? Would you want to go out with friends on your birthday or prefer to do something with just your DH?

LouiseAderyn · 03/10/2013 11:56

Fright, I still want to see my dh every weekend. Still, he works away a lot so if he was here all the time maybe that would be subject to change

Original poster

theuntamedshrew · 03/10/2013 14:11

well an interesting and mixed bag of responses i see, i think i agree with louiseaderyn, it is a bit sad if he doesn't see going out with me on my our own as a fun way to spend an evening, although i admit things can be a little tense between us sometimes, but i will try and suggest going out with a mixed group of friends, but if its with a certain group of male friends, who are all a bit alpha male and not very female friendly, then no - i wouldn't want to hang out with them - and as for the term 'babysitting' - its just a turn of phrase is all, a kinda slang if you like for looking after my own kids

OP posts:

thebody · 03/10/2013 14:17

well I want to spend my birthday with my best and closes mate, that's my dh. how can any other friends be closer?

you might take other friends as well but for me it's very strange to NOT see your best mate and your partner as one and the same.

zatyaballerina · 03/10/2013 14:30

It's insulting that he doesn't want to spend time with you, instead preferring to have you at home looking after the kids like his servant while he goes on the piss. I'd be looking for an upgrade if I was stuck with an arse like that. yanbu and deserve somebody who enjoys your company.

Calloh · 03/10/2013 14:39

I totally get that your partner is usually your best friend and that it is usually a given that you want to be with them on special days but it is nice to do something different that you don't often get to do.

On my thirtieth I went out with my best girl friends, I had the best night! It wasn't the actual day itself (which I spent with my DH) but it was a night a while after, it was so much fun, if everyone's husbands and boyfriends had been there it would have been an entirely different dynamic. And if we'd had to worry about babysitters it would have been different too.

I know it' could seem hurtful but if he is otherwise loving and appreciative it is almost certainly because he just wants to go and let his hair down with his friends and is in no way a reflection of his love for you.

livinginwonderland · 03/10/2013 14:59

YANBU as this is clearly part of the bigger picture. DP and I do go out with just our friends, but we hang out together with our friends too. For DP's birthday this year, I took him out for dinner, and the following day, he went to his friends for drinks - and I was invited too.

It's perfectly normal for couples to spend time apart - but I would have been really upset if DP told me he didn't want to see me on his birthday.

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