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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I will be a terrible mum!

7 replies

Henny1712 · 02/10/2013 21:20

I'm new in AIBU so please be gentle! I am a 30 year old and trying for a much much wanted baby. However I am so scared I will be a terrible mum that it's putting me off. My mother was a manic depressive and very abusive to my sister and I and I'm terrified I won't know how to show love to my baby. My friends describe me as a caring person, but inside I feel bad and tainted because of what my mother did. Has anyone else felt like this or been in a similar situation? I adore my friends children and my nieces and nephews but I am terrified I will be a horrid mum. My mother used to say I was bad to the core but I'm hoping my baby wouldn't see that. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
HuglessDouglas · 02/10/2013 21:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MoaningMingeWhingesAgain · 02/10/2013 21:36

You are aware of what you plan to do differently - that's a great start.

Toxic parents here too plus mum with significant MH problems who committed suicide, I would say I'm a pretty good mum actually Smile

What are you worried about exactly?

Original poster
Henny1712 · 02/10/2013 21:46

Thank you hug, what you said made me smile.

I honestly think I'm worried about not knowing how to love and care for a baby beyond essential care. I work with children and adore them and I know I'm good at my job but I'm so scared I won't have that "motherly" touch. I've put off having a baby for two years and I'm so desperate to become a mum, I know that sounds ridiculous! I've never had an attachment to my mother and my sister and I find love strange because we had to learn what it meant as adults.

Due to my profession I've seen so many unloved children and I'm so fearful I will panic and not know how to love my child. Gosh when I write that it sounds so silly but it feels so real.

OP posts:
everythinghippie29 · 02/10/2013 21:51

My mum was very difficult and at times, now I am older and can refelect on it, abusive to my sister and I. I'm pregnant now and sometimes get scared that history will repeat itself and I will also be violent/ angry towards my child as it is in a way the only 'template' of parenting I have. I've suffered from depression and get scared that this will impact how I raise my baby.

I try to look at it like I have the perfect, How NOT to parent guide, and feel very strongly about smacking and discipline as a result. if anything my experience has made me determined to make sure that my child grows up to never fear me and to be filled with the confidence I lack due to my upbringing. I'm sure il make mistakes, no one is perfect and parenting seems like such hard work but I know what I do and don't want to bring to it.

I am sure you will be an amazing mother as you already care enough to worry! Everyone is a little scared of taking on the frankly huge responsibility of raising a little human, I'm sure you will do right and use your own experiences to make sure your child never feels how you did.

Good luck with your trying! Thanks xx

TombOfMummyBeerest · 02/10/2013 21:55

A terrible mother wouldn't care if she were a terrible mother. You already worry about how much you love your children before you've become a mum...I think you're off to a pretty good start.

It does sound like you have some feelings you need to resolve re: your mother and your childhood. Have you considered any counseling?

toomanypasswords · 02/10/2013 22:06

To me you sound lovely and as far from being 'bad to the core' as you can be. As others have already said, the fact that you are so concerned already is a good sign that you will be anything but a terrible mother. I'm sure that you will love any baby you do have more than anything and that will be obvious to them - you won't need to 'show' your love; you just will on a daily basis as you care for them. Good luck with the TTC!! x

Original poster
Henny1712 · 03/10/2013 17:11

Thank you everyone for your supportive messages. Hippie your post made me think about things differently, in a good way. It sounds like you have taken the negative things from your childhood and learnt how to use them to make a positive impact on your life. I need to change
My mindset I think!

I have received counselling but unfortunately my mother is still very much involved in my life and I've never had the courage to stand up to her. I need to help myself before I can move on I think.

This thread has made me feel much better about having a baby so thank you all so so much and il stop putting it off now Smile xxxx

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