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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help!! What do I tell DS about XH?!!!

10 replies

AnneofGreenFables · 02/10/2013 17:19

DS and I left XH three years ago. XH was emotionally abusive to me and had started yelling and swearing at DS, we're now divorced.

XH has never paid anything towards DS but used to see him every week. Then it got longer and now he hasn't seen him since May. He's always got a 'reason' but in reality he has better things to do with his time and money.

DS asked me today why his Daddy doesn't want to see him any more. Don't know what to say. I don't want to bad mouth his Dad but nor do I want to pass on his pack of lies!

Any suggestions gratefully received!

OP posts:

Mogz · 02/10/2013 17:28

Thats very sad, and tricky for you to navigate. You're right not to bad mouth though, I remember being very upset when hearing my DM and StepD being rude about my DF, I was too young to understand that adults weren't perfect (about 6) and that relationships were tricky things. It made me very angry as I didn't know who to believe as I'd been told never to be nasty about anyone, but at the same time that my mummy never lied!
How old is your DS? If very young you might be able just to say for now that his Daddy has been very busy but perhaps he'll see him soon. Or if a little older would you be able to arrange for your DS to FaceTime/Skype/phone (with you on the line also) and perhaps your XH will have to field the question himself.
Do you think there is any chance of contact picking up again in the future?

SelectAUserName · 02/10/2013 17:29

Your poor DS :( Not an easy thing to have to explain.

I'd be honest and say you don't know. If he's still quite young, I might go on to add that not all Daddies are very good at being a Daddy and they forget they have to plan visits and make time, and it looks as if his Daddy is one of these silly Daddies, but that it's not because of anything your DS has done, it's just Daddy not being very good at his job.

aliciaflorrick · 02/10/2013 17:32

Mine are a bit older 9 and 11, and I just say now that daddy and I aren't married I'm not sure how much money he has etc so I don't know why, but why don't they ask him the next time they speak to him on the phone.

x2boys · 02/10/2013 17:32

how old is your ds not the same situation but my boys have a half sister that they only started seeing about a yr ago very complicated but there sister,s mother made it very difficult for my dh to see his daughter and consequently our boys to see there sister happily she [their sister got in touch herself last xmas] my boys always knew they had a sister but when they asked why they could nt see her I just tried to gently explain that they would probably see her when they got older is your ds old enough to understand? if he is very little I might be tempted to lie a little to not hurt his feelings its a difficult one .

Original poster

AnneofGreenFables · 02/10/2013 17:41

Thank for your responses

DS is 3. I've thought about suggesting he ask XH but I know he'd just hear lie after lie and then be possibly more let down.

XH has no difficulty telling outright lies as I finally learned! Couldn't bear to see DS believing him only to be let down every time.

XH moved several hours away last month so I think contact will be even less now

OP posts:

fairy1303 · 02/10/2013 19:30

DSD is 8 and we get this with her mum. Up until now when she has failed to turn up for contact, school plays, birthday parties she has sworn she would be at etc etc I just have to say that mummy is very busy, might be working, loves you very much blah blah.

It's bloody awful sat watching your child in tears but I don't think it would be good for them to know just yet the truth. Now she is 8 DSD is starting to realise for herself that her mother is different to other mothers, it's very sad but he will learn for himself when he is older that his father is useless. It is our job to shield them from this for as long as possible.

quoteunquote · 02/10/2013 20:01

Be honest, say you don't know, and that sometimes adults do very silly things.

It's incredibly hard seeing your child hurt like this,

Ask if he would like help to write a card to his dad and explain how much he misses him.

Is there anyone your ex respects and would listen to, that you could get to talk to him?

Original poster

AnneofGreenFables · 02/10/2013 21:48

Sorry for not responding earlier. No idea who could possibly influence XH, he gets into huge rages if challenged which puts people off, even XPIL!!

It's like he has this invented version of things with himself as a victim of circumstances and challenging it makes him kick off.

Like the idea of just saying I don't know and that grown ups do some silly things sometimes...

OP posts:

Hissy · 02/10/2013 22:50

If you tell your DS a fairytale version, how the hell do you think he'll learn that emulating his dad's not a good idea?

Worse, if he learns the truth about his dad, say when he's a teen, and sees you've lied to him, you, the only one In his life that he's able to count on, have lied to him?

With a teenage boy, that could have devastating effects.

Tell your son the truth. Age appropriate truth. Make sure he knows that it's not YOUR fault, nor his.

Hissy · 02/10/2013 22:53

He's 3. I've just seen.

Age appropriate truth is that daddy wasn't very nice to mummy, you don't know why, but it's not nice to treat people badly as it upsets everyone. So it's best if mummy and DS are happy together than with an angry daddy.

My DS. Was 5, it's a lot easier, but your DS has suffered in this relationship, and will have some confusing feelings.

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