to be infuriated by "why were they at the park alone" comments

[Redpipe]

in reply to an attempted abduction.

Over a few years I have read about a few of child abductions or attempted abductions. In each case the vast majority of respondents were clearly laying the blame with the parents rather than the abductor.

The last one I have just read is in relation to a 9 year old girl and an attempted abduction. The only comment is "why was she on her own in the park" without an adult.

Why do so many people reply with stupid comments which have the undertone of blaming the parents rather than the abductor? Can a 9 year not go to the park without an adult nowadays?

Its because they don't like to think this can happen to them. If you say something awful is their own fault, it means it ceases to be scary for you.

If you keep an eye on your kids, they'll be fine. Obviously not true, but ignorance is bliss and all that.

I certainly wouldn't let my 9 yo go to the park without an adult, but that's my choice.

Apparantly not, your child must be with you at all times until they are 18 - and then you let them loose at university without the foggiest idea of how to look after themselves or behave when alone!

I'm with you, my kids have always played outside alone and we currently live across the road from a park. However we also live in village and strangers are noticed here. I regularly ask people if they need help when I don't recognise them.

It depends on many things though, doesn't it, seeline - the size of the park, it's location, the layout, the time of day...

What Pootles said is true.

I understand your point but I think that the 'why was she on her own comments are valid' in most cases.

For example if a drunk driver caused an accident and a child was seriously injured but wasn't wearing a seatbelt. I would of course look to the drunk driver for answers but would also ask why didn't the parent ensure their child was wearing a seatbelt.

Not exactly the same I know but parents to have a responsibility to limit potential harm.

Where we live now I would never let my DC go to the park on there own at 9, however, when I lived on the Shetland Isles they played out alone from breakfast to dinner.

My 9 year old goes to the park on his own. it's 2 minutes from our front door and involves crossing no roads. He tends to cycle round for 15-20 minutes and come home again.

He also goes to school on his own. It's a safe, easy route.
I think it's fine for him to do these things on his own - having made an assessment of the situation and his capabilities.

TBH by 9, even if you go to the park with them, you are not normally so close that you would be able to stop a determined abductor anyway.

I often ask why - there was one a few weeks ago when an 11/12 year old was out at 1 in the morning hanging around garages (the child was raped)

My first question was what the hell were her parents doing not knowing where she was

I wouldn't ask it about a 9 year old at the park as that seems an acceptable risk - unless it was after 9 at night where I would be asking

Because in some cases it's very relevant.

I was on another forum, where I was the one person on the thread that thought "well why did she go on the top deck of the bus" (about a British 15-year-old not the tragedy in India) was victim-blaming.

Apparently everyone knows going on the top-deck is dangerous...

Pootles You are right

Mrspnut

MrsJaquelinehyde I am not sure the seat belt scenario is relevant.

coffeandtea

But often it is not. Normally people have no idea of the circumstances but feel it appropriate to blame the parents.

Our nearest park is a good 10 minute walk away. It is across a very busy road. It is not overlooked by houses, and has two footpaths running across it making it very easy to access. It is used by kids of all ages to hang out in and I would not be happy leaving 9 yo DD on her own there. To be fair - she wouldn't be happy either. On the other hand, she is asking to walk to school on her own, through a residential area, no major roads and I am seriously considering that request. We live in the south London suburbs.

I've just had this on my FB. One of those 'van followed 10yo home' stories with everyone piling in to say 'why was she out alone' and liking each others posts. Half the people saying it have younger kids playing out completely unsupervised, but that is OK because it's a 'safe' area and it won't happen here. It will only happen 100yds away, to other peoples unsupervised children .

YANBU
Children are most at risk from their family and people they know than any stranger.
The media have created a society where parents are made to feel their children are not safe in the big bad world.
It's simply not true. There has not been any increase in the numbers of children abducted and murdered by strangers.
I would be more worried about cars, than abduction.
Children are more at risk from being hit by a car when they start high school, just at that time in their life whn many parents start to let go, and they become more vulnerable.

insancerre

You are right.

I might reply to the latest one saying "I hope you don't put your children at even great risk by strapping them into your family car"

redpipe I wrote about perceptions of risky play for my dissertation last year so have researched risk and risk aversion.
It's people's perceptions that are skewed by the media.
Actual risk compared to perceived risk are very different.

insancerre

Interesting.

Although the media obviously have skewed perception it just beggars belief to blame the parents at the drop of a hat publicly though.

I would prefer a 9 yr old to be at a park with friends rather than totally alone but even so, if the child is sensible and confident I don't see why they cannot be at a park without an adult. I agree with insancerre Children are more likely to come to harm in their own home or by people they already know.
There is far too much paranoia these days.

I worry more about the roads she has to cross to get to the park.

I admit that would be my initial thought, because in my head I have visions of where I live. The park is a 10-15 min walk, crossing about 5 roads, 1 a main one. the actual playground is another 5-10mins through the park. I wouldn't let my 9 year old go alone.

Then I remember that not everyone lives somewhere like me. For example my brother used to run a pub in a very small village. he had a small playground in the garden, a couple of mins walk from the pub door. My 2 (both under 9 at the time) were allowed down there together during daylight. The difference was I guess that there were no roads (although a small car park) and everyone knows everyone in the village. There wasn't masses of passing trade, so it felt 'safe'
Some of the locals allowed her dc to go to the park alone too. But others thought I was irresponsible, they couldn't imagine living where I live though, and,.like me, envisioned everyone living in places like them.

YAnBU.

If you replaced all the above scenarios with a women being raped
Why was she out at 1am
Why was she in the park on her own?
Why was she walking there on her own?

MN would be up in arms about the victim blaming.

It is all risk management. Everyone knows that the perpetrator of a crime is in the wrong, but I guess there will always be debate about how well the risks were managed. Sadly, sometimes you don't fully appreciate the risk until something bad happens.

Some parks are going to be safer than others. Parks that are close to your home, have a high ratio of mums and children that go, will be safer than less well attended parks near a busy road or that are particularly remote.

Each parent will make a judgement about the risks in question and that won't always be the same as another parent's judgement. However, more children are abused, neglected or assaulted not just by people that they know, but by their own families. That is what should really worry us.

So many people (including DH) watch news items about everything from money scams to serious incidents, and mutter "Must be mad...you'd check first.." or "Who'd let a child do that..." or "Why the hell would anyone do that..." I think it's a sort of security blanket to prove it could never happen to you or your family. I guess we've all done it occasionally.