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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want someone else to take over?

22 replies

Aworryingtrend · 01/10/2013 22:11

I am sick,sick, sock of being the one who decides what we are going to eat, the one who buys and 50% of the time the one who makes it. I am sick of being the one who realises ds has grown out of his clothes/shoes/whatever, and being the one to go shopping for new ones.
I am sick of being the one to remember birthdays, buy present and card, buy wrapping paper and send in time.
I sm sick of being the one to think 'the kitchen/bathroom/bedrooms need cleaning' then the one to do it.
I am sick of being the one to think, its our turn to have so and so for dinner, then planning a menu, shopping for it.

The above makes DH sound like a waste of space which is not the case at all. if I said to him,can you put a load of washing on,he wouldn't bat an eyelid and would do it. But he would never think- the washing needs doing. Similarly he cooks 3 nights a week which I know is more than some men. but only because I do the meal plan and shop for it.

I am just so fed up of being the only one to think of this stuff.

Does anyone else feel like this? I'm really struggling under the weigh of it atm but it seems such a banal issue to discuss in RL.

OP posts:

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 01/10/2013 22:13

at sick sock.

OP posts:

hiddenhome · 01/10/2013 22:15

YANBU

Sometimes I feel that the world would stop spinning if I actually died. I think they'd all just crawl into corners and starve amongst an entire mountain of dust, cat litter and dirty socks.

I dread being ill because I know that, once I'm well, I'll have shedloads of cleaning to do

BlingLoving · 01/10/2013 22:17

YANBU.

Thinking work is tiring. Short of telling him he's responsible for specific things eg thinking of meals, shopping for and preparing them or all dc clothing, I don't know what you can do about it though.

omaoma · 01/10/2013 22:18

sigh - I get this too. brought it mostly on myself because i'm too much of a control freak and glutton to let other half cook. but yes it is boring being the responsible one. i think it's a long-term plan for change tbh, try and drip feed and support and passing on of responsibilities. can you agree one thing he can take off your hands e.g., the washing, set up a load of alarms on his iPhone to remind him, give him a few nudges e.g., on sunday night - and then you just have to grit your teeth and be ready for the kids to go to school dirty for a bit while he gets into gear? the key is not to take it back over or other people don't get in the habit of remembering.

OhDearNigel · 01/10/2013 22:22

Stop doing it then.

Seriously, the world won't stop turning, things might be a bit more chaotic but your DH will probably surprise you if you just stop doing everything.

Yama · 01/10/2013 22:23

God, I'd be sick, sick, sock of that too. Life is hard enough doing half of all that - doing it all must be exhausting.

The only advice I have is to learn to say 'no' and to just stop doing so much. Obviously the kids need fed and clothed so do the shopping together.

I seem to have an inbuilt (or learned) stress detector so I share the load.

Lj8893 · 01/10/2013 22:57

Yanbu. It's similar in my house, although dp does do the majority of the food side of things as I'm pretty useless

But when it comes to cleaning and general running of the household, he really is rubbish! He just doesn't think like a normal person would, but I've come to the conclusion that we just have very different ideas of tidiness and cleanliness, and I can't change that. Just thinking that makes it much easier for me to deal with it iyswim.

seesensepeople · 01/10/2013 23:05

YANBU, it's a common feeling.

However, after my DH died I realised there was a ton of mundane things he used to do that suddenly got added to my list butI'd never really thought about previously - changing light bulbs, filling the petrol tank (and other car related tasks), emptying the bin, shooing out wasps and removing spiders, moving heavy things, reaching into high corners for the Christmas decorations...

I think the problem is not that you have a long list of jobs on your plate but that you feel unappreciated and your efforts unnoticed. I suggest a quick chat with the other half to organise a bit of time out together.

BeCool · 01/10/2013 23:11

Oh I hear you.
I still do it all but since separating I'm no longer feeling like I'm dragging a grown adult along too. So it's much easier.

HangingGardenofBabbysBum · 01/10/2013 23:13

When we both worked FT, I insisted all these things were shared. You don't say if you also work OTH, but if you do, just refuse to do 50%, BUT you can't moan about how he does his half ( what clothes bought, food cooked etc).

Now I'm at home FT, I absolutely love bring in charge if all the domestic shit. I suspect I'm a total pain in the arse but they all indulge me.

It will come to an end all too soon...

MintyChops · 01/10/2013 23:33

YANBU, I get really fed up with this too and in fact had a snarl at my DH about this very issue last week. seesense has made me pause though and think about all the times I get a cup of tea in bed, the dishwasher is mysteriously emptied, the dog poos pick themselves up in the back garden etc etc. I tend to overlook the things he does do unasked and focus on the things I wish he would do unasked. Am going to try to change that. Thank you seesense, for a bit of perspective.

almondfinger · 01/10/2013 23:38

I feel your pain OP, I got sick sick sock recently and had a word. DH works away 2 days and as I was cleaning the house. I found his underwear on the floor of his office, a used earbud on the bathroom shelf and more and thought 'hang on a bloody minute, he is turning into his dad here and I am most certainly not having that' Had a very stern word with him and he vows to do better - underwear on the floor again this morning!

On the otherhand as seesensepeople said, he does a whole host of other stuff - Pays all the bills, organises the car, house, health insurance. Deals with the banks. All the stuff I really dislike.

I just make sure that on weekends he makes the childrens lunches so I can have time off from a couple of meals. He always washes up after I've cooked dinner and is a great man for emptying the dishwasher as he knows it's my least favourite job.

DamnBamboo · 01/10/2013 23:38

I would say, without reading any other responses to this, just sit back and think about what he does do!

Maybe it's nothing, in which case you have real cause for grievance. Maybe it's actually quite a lot, but it's the small stuff that whilst not as important as buying/prepping food, does need to be done.

I have recently realise this of my husband over the last few months and there is an imbalance, that's for sure, but he doesn't do nothing at all!

DamnBamboo · 01/10/2013 23:39

seesense

NoComet · 01/10/2013 23:43

I don't mind the other stuff, no one notices cleaning and DH doesn't cloth shop for himself let alone the DDs,

But sodding meal planning, I hate it.

I'll shop and I'll cook, but please someone else think of something everyone, including 'fucking' DD2 will eat.

DD2 would only be a bit cross at me for swearing, she's 12 and she is trying to be slightly less annoying,

NoComet · 01/10/2013 23:49

Underwear's been on the floor for 25 years, I'm not going to worry about that.

Just please please please on the way home from work buy a couple of days meals.

No not get me to text you a list, to which you add beer and doughnuts. Plan a sodding meal.

It's doubly frustrating because he can cook very well, he just can't be arsed to think of something everyone likes,

WahIzzit · 01/10/2013 23:52

Yanbu.

I am sick of it all too. We normally do the shopping together, and he helps with some of the meals. But I feel unappreciated generally, so I told DH to feed the baby tonight as he tried to sneak off upstairs. He never says no but I wish he would just do it without me asking! He ended up spilling half the plate of food ds was squirming and ended up making a bloody mess. I eventually threw my hands up in the air and regretted asking the useless bloody $@#*

Toklastennis · 02/10/2013 07:04

Yanbu. Dh is great and I love him but my entire day is sprjt caring for the baby or cleaning up after him. I buy and plan all the food, do all the tidying, cleaning and washing, pay all the bills, take care of all legal and financial stuff, keep up with friends and family ... Argh, I've true talking yo him but hr just complains non stop if hr has to do anything. Yesterday he called me over to move the baby. (I was washing up, he was watching tv). At least he was honest - he said he'd hurt his wrist but then said to me fair he couldn't be arsed to get up.

seesensepeople · 02/10/2013 08:19

Thank you Damnbamboo (my first flowers), Mintychops and Almondfinger it's all about balance isn't it? A bit of communication alays helps.

Starballbunny - I hear you! My 12 year old twins are really fussy, one of them would live on plain pasta or noodles if I let her. I try to have a list of 4 meals that everyone will eat and I make those the main plan for the week. Then for the other 3 days I make something sensible that the majority will like and the fusspots can make themselves some noodles or toast. At 12 they can manage this - worth a try with your DD2?

HopLittleFroggiesHopSkipJump · 02/10/2013 08:50

Trust me if you were a lone parent you'd miss only being the one to cook 50% of the time! It's just what a lot of men are like, if he doesn't mind when asked, then just ask him more.

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 04/10/2013 07:15

Thanks all, I was so fed up the other day it was good to know I'm not alone but also to get some perspective-im so sorry about your DH seesense. You are right, there is loads he does without me noticing such as dealing with rubbish and recycling and all the finances or lack of. Regards work, I've just gone back to work 3 days a week after a year's maternity leave, so I suspect the problem stems from the fact that whilst off ibwas happy to do most of the household tasks but now I feel run ragged with it all. I sat down with dh and said how I would like him to take over some of the stuff thats getting me down such as planning and writing shopping list for meals he will cook and also him dealing with his familys birthdays etc.

OP posts:

seesensepeople · 04/10/2013 13:02

So glad you are feeling better about this, getting it in perspective and most importantly talking to DH.

You'll soon settle into the new routine but you're right it can take some adjustments at the beginning.

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