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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is not the same thing at all?

19 replies

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell · 01/10/2013 11:56

I asked DH if I could take a weekend and go away with two of my girlfriends. Our only child, DS is 12mo. We have no family nearby, and no friends that have houses suitable to visit/stay over with a small child, so I rarely get away from home. I have had one night away, and still had all the phone calls "what do I feed him, what's in the fridge, I can't find it in the fridge, what does he wear" etc etc.

He looked shocked, grunted, huffed and eventually said "Fine, you can go, as long as I get a weekend off too. That means you take him away somewhere so I can stay home alone in London for the whole weekend. You want to see people during your time off, fine, but I don't want to see anyone because since he was born I've had no me-time either and I just want to be home and have space to think. If I have to have him by myself for a weekend you can do the same."

This sounds reasonable but in practice means I won't get to go away for maybe a year. I don't intend to fly by myself with him until he can walk easily because it is a lot of hassle, not least carrying the bags/carseat and big hefty baby around the airport etc (have done it before, really don't want to do it again) so visiting family is out. Taking DS away to a hotel room far from his home comforts and routine by myself, to amuse him without any familiar surroundings/toys/walks and having to sit in a hotel room from 7pm onwards while he sleeps and I can't go get dinner, watch tv or browse the internet I'm assuming this because of usually shitty, unavailable or expensive in-room wifi does not appeal to me especially when I don't have any adult to talk to. All my friends with kids are in London too. Yes, lone parents have it worse, but as a SAHM I will be doing 2 weeks of sole childcare back to back and much as I love my son it is a bit suffocating. I don't have anywhere to go TO with a baby, I would only be going FROM, and I'm probably also a bit annoyed that DH would like to put us both out so much just to stay home and probably almost certainly watch porn and football in his pyjamas all weekend. I suspect he will get pissed/hungover too, just because he can. I'm just annoyed because he would choose to do that over spending time with us, which I know is UR because I am choosing to spend time with my childless female friends on an occasional weekend too, as they both work hard and have Serious Careers which don't lend themselves to lots of time off. So far I have only seen them for dinner mid week in the last 2 years and we haven't gone away anywhere together for years.

All I'm asking of DH is to do a bit more childcare on a weekend than he normally does. What he is asking of me is a lot more and inconveniences DS as well as me.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell · 01/10/2013 11:59

Also, it would of course be me who did all the packing and preparing for a trip, scrubbing bottles, shopping for supplies of baby snacks etc.

It always is.

OP posts:

NotYoMomma · 01/10/2013 12:02

I wpuld be asking him if he wasnt fucking embarrassed with himself for not being able to look after his own child for a night or two.

and if he doesnt even know what he eats or wears than he clearly has had lots of me time as you have been doing it!

I dont understand

men like this
women who put up with it

IslaValargeone · 01/10/2013 12:05

I'd go away with your girlfriends and if he needs 'me time' he can sort himself out. You don't evict your wife and child because you want to be on your own, you take yourself off somewhere.

RobotLover68 · 01/10/2013 12:12

What.a.nob

My DH and I occasionally have a weekend away - there is no pay off/trade off - this beggars belief - tell him to fuck the fuck off then fuck off some more

paulapantsdown · 01/10/2013 12:26

What a dick.

We are talking about a small child here, not a 25st gorilla that might be tricky to look after.

Why does he not know what his OWN CHILD eats, wears etc anyway?

Go away for your weekend and turn your phone off. If he wants a weekend to himself, then he can arrange it and go somewhere.

Why do you put up with total lack of joint parenting and general knobbery?

Sparklyboots · 01/10/2013 12:33

WHAT A FUCKING TWAT ish way to behave your husband had devised. Is he this entitled about everything?

DoJo · 01/10/2013 12:41

Why can't he go to a hotel and watch porn and football in his pyjamas? Surely he can see that asking you to take your son for a weekend away from everything you need to entertain a baby isn't the same as asking him to be sole carer in a house full of baby stuff?

InsertBoringName · 01/10/2013 12:42

I understand him wanting 'me time' alone just to watch TV etc, but why can't he go to a hotel to do it? And just leave you at home with your DC?

I'd also make a point that if he's going to continually ring you whilst in sole charge, you should do the same! See how he likes it!

I have to say though, I agree with a poster up thread, I can't understand the men who do this but I also can't understand why the women put up with it? I was lucky enough to go away for a few nights last year. DH took holiday from work and looked after our two very small children for five whole days. On his own. Without complaining He enjoyed taking sole charge, he took them to McDonalds, fed them biscuits, dressed them in terribly mismatched clothes (he took photos!) But the three of them had a whale of a time.

MortifiedAdams · 01/10/2013 12:44

DH and I have a "ill be away X weekend" or "Im off out next friday" relationship. If one books.it it is automatic that the other does the care. And that works equally both ways.

He sounds angry about being a parent!

Chusband · 01/10/2013 12:45

I don't think there's anything unreasonable in having equal 'time-off'.

It is unreasonable to expect you to leave. He should find somewhere to go.

SirChenjin · 01/10/2013 12:47

YANBU

If he wants the weekend to himself (and I completely 'get' that) then he can take himself off to a hotel for the weekend and watch his porn there.

I think you need to think about easing off the spoon-feeding a bit and set some ground rules. He's being a prize knob here.

KurriKurri · 01/10/2013 12:59

I think in principle equal time off is OK - assuming all other thing s equal, i.e. in the day you are SAHM, he works, in the evenings and weekends you normally share childcare and chores.

But sending you elsewhere while he has his weekend off is bonkers, -and not equal, he does sole childcare in his own home, with all your DS essential kit, toys, food etc to hand, you get to sit in a hotel room with a baby bemused by unfamiliar surroundings - not the same thing at all.

I would also point out to him that when you are having 'me time' he doesn't phone with stupid questions that he should already know the answer to, otherwise you have not had your 'away time' because you have still been ultimately responsible for you DS and available at the end of a phone.

But honestly - a man who want his wife and son out of the way so he can lie around watching porn sounds like a complete waste of space. Most working men I know value the time they get to spend with their children at the weekends, because they don't see them so much during the week.

Does his Royal Knobjesty he have any redeeming features?

Original poster

ImThinkingBoutMyDoorbell · 01/10/2013 13:05

Sparklyboots, bingo. "Entitled" is my favourite word to use to describe him in fact. He didn't used to be like this but in the last 3 years his sense that the world owes him has grown and grown. Especially when it comes to me.

I've never been a good housekeeper, but I was a lot worse. I've improved and I work damn hard now, especially with a baby, but the more I do the less he sees. A household that runs as it should is invisible I suppose. He still thinks he does everything and I do nothing. I spend a lot of time clearing up after him though, but he's never here to see that or be whinged at! Before DS was born he told me that he "understands that having a baby to look after is hard work and very demanding and I promise I'll never come home and ask you what you do all day. I won't be one of those fathers!" Guess how long that lasted... I've been ill on and off for 3 of the last 4 months as has DS and he's started nursery 5 weeks ago for 2 half-days - I've been rebuked yesterday for using the nursery half day to sleep after being up in the night with him when I should be doing jobs. I'd love to say I had a great comeback to that but I was shattered and taken by surprise by that one...

I think the arrogance and entitlement is partly down to where he works in a very high-flying finance group in the City. A recent outburst told me that he does "more childcare than any other father I know!" Three of the guys on his desk recently had babies. One has never changed a nappy. And all of them have nannies, two live-in. We don't earn enough for that and he's a junior member of the group in that respect, but I think he sees "everybody else" in his environment having it all and feels entitled.

OP posts:

LegoStillSavesMyLife · 01/10/2013 13:13

He sounds lovely. Being surround by people who dislike childcare isn't an excuse. He's a grown man he can think what he wants for himself.

DH is in a similar line of work surrounded by similar people but you know what he loves his children and loves spending time with them - that is why he had them.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 01/10/2013 13:16

Ugh, YANBU. He sounds like a real knob.

Tell him he can have a weekend away, because that's what you're asking for. Tell him to be careful though - you might have such a nice time with him away that you want to make it a permanent thing...

Hemlet · 01/10/2013 13:18

If my husband ever spoke about our son that way then he'd get a weekend on his own alright... As many as he Fucking wanted.

HazleNutt · 01/10/2013 13:21

As was said earlier, if he has no idea how to dress and what to feed to a 12 mo baby, he has obviously had plenty of me-time.

FrigginRexManningDay · 01/10/2013 13:30

Ah the old i-will-make-it-impossible-for-you-to-relax-by-constantly-pestering-you trick. He can't be arsed to do the child work (as in the jobs that come with a baby,not just a token playing and bathing) so he makes it pointless for you to have time away. By asking you and his child to leave the house so he can prat about really shows what a tosspot he really is.

LittleBearPad · 01/10/2013 13:39

I'm sorry he's an arse. It isn't the same thing at all. I'd let him know you're not impressed and he can shape up fast.

It is not a badge of honour to have never changed a nappy.

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