AIBU to want to vomit with anxiety over returning to work.

[Sleepybunny]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but DH thinks I need to suck it up and get on with it.

DD (pfb) will be 1 year old, her settling in period starts next week. I'm going back to work in just over a months time 3 days a week, which will change to 4 days a week after a couple months.

I'm losing sleep over this as dd is a bit high maintenance, fusses a lot and has become quite clingy since 9 months.

She had awful reflux/colic that made things pretty miserable for the first 6 months and feel like I let her down/didn't bond properly with her.

She fights her naps a lot and I'm worried she'll just cry and scream until she passes out. (She can make a lot of gagging and choking noises when she gets worked up from over tiredness).

My DH almost never puts her down for naps or does bedtime/night wakings. Just because I don't mind doing it and it doesn't seem to bother him as he knows how hard work it can be.

I've been working on helping her self settle and it's getting better, but I still can't sleep at night for the worry of what's going to happen when she's not with me!

To make matters worse I have issues with my current boss, and I've had to get HR involved as he was harassing me at home. But that's a whole other thread!

DH just keeps saying "she'll be fine" over and over and it's driving me nuts as clearly he doesn't understand what it's like! Yes it'll be just bloody fine for him as he doesn't have to do the drop offs and pick ups (except occasionally if I have to work late/early)

Do I need to get a grip? So many family's send their children to nursery earlier and for longer periods so I probably should shut up.

Chances are nursery will have no problems getting her to sleep - children are almost always harder for mum!

Well, do you have to go back to work? Any way you can afford not to?

If not, then your DH is right, you will have to suck it up. But lots of people do and it'll be fine once you're doing it. I think the prospect of it is worse than the reality. She'll be fine.

You will be amazed at how children know that at nursery making a fuss isn't going to work. Home is a different matter.

You may find nursery really helps sort her out!

I felt almost the same- DD wouldn't nap for anyone else, and would rarely take a bottle, so I hadn't left her very much until I went back to work. However, her nursery were brilliant, she had 5 free settling in sessions and gradually extended the time she stayed for. And they soon got the hang of getting her to nap, they're used to dealing with fussy babies.

Babies adapt sooner and better than their parents, imo

Poor you! I was in your position a year ago. I found a lovely childminder though and within a couple of weeks my very clingy dd had settled in and now has a wonderful bond with her cm.

Tbh if you hate your job though I'd consider resigning and taking another year off.

Agree that your baby will adapt much more easily than you. Try not to worry about every little detail of what might or might not happen... Most children settle happily into childcare provided its good quality consistent care. Give it a little while, because your child is at an age when separation anxiety may kick in, but honestly before long you'll be settled into the new routine

I'm in a similar situation, I.e. freaking out about returning to work in a few months time. Last week I arranged a keep in touch day and left DD (9 months) with MIL (who will be looking after her for 2 days a week). I was so stressed about leaving her for the day, but actually it ended up being a really good day. It was the furst ever time i had been away from her for more than 3 hours and DD was absolutely fine without me. Fed and napped as normal.

I understand where you are coming from because DD had a terrible first 6 months with reflux. She is quite high maintenance and fussy too. But I didn't want to have the sleepless nights before I was due back so decide for the next few months to leave her with MIL once a week to get used to it.

Is there any chance you could arrange a day where you could leave her with your DH or someone else to see how both you and her cope? And at the same time get used to the separation?

I'm sure your DD will be absolutely fine at nursery. Don't be so anxious.

It is completely normal in my experience for mums to worry themselves silly about leaving DCs in childcare to return to work, especially when it's the PFB. I have a friend who was sleepwalking with anxiety, and several others who had nightmares. As a mum you have been with your baby pretty much 24 hours since they were born, and going away from them from 8 until 6 every day is thoroughly counter intuitive and your instincts are al against it. This just isn't the case for fathers, and my DH was just as infuriating as yours with the "she'll be fine". Why you need at this point is sympathy and understanding for how awful it feels and the underlying guilt about having to leave your child, not practical answers. However you may need other mums for that.

The fact is that if you've got a good care provider, DCs almost always are fine, and do adapt quickly. The nursery staff will have had loads of experience with getting children to settle, and be skilled at it. It is incredibly unlikely that they will just leave her to cry and scream herself to sleep, especially as they have other children to settle in the same room. But you could set your mind at ease by asking them what they would do, or visiting at nap time.

It doesn't mean it isn't horrible for you though and that the times when the little face crumples when you leave aren't incredibly hard. I seriously suggest getting your DH to do drop offs at least for the first couple of weeks; he can experience it then, and you may be less likely to arrive at work a sobbing mess. I am about to do all,this again with DD2 so I do sympathise and wish you the best.

Unexpected stepmum puts it perfectly. Whilst I'm 99% relieved, 1% of me feels a bit put out ds gets on so wonderfully without me! He didn't nap at all until a couple of months ago and then I was the only person who could get him to sleep. He gets 3 hours sleep a day at nursery. They've seen scores if not hundreds of babies and know all he tricks!

Lol. She will almost certainly drift off happy as can be for nursery.

We need them more than they need us.

My nose was quite out of joint when both my DSs seem to prefer nursery.

Rude little sods.

You have normal worries, no point telling you not to worry because we all do.

But she will be fine.

YANBU to be worried.

Honestly though what everyone has said is true, if you have a good nursery she will love it and the whole going back to work thing is not usually as hard as you imagine.

PFB went to nursery 3 days a week from being 12 months (she now does 5 days a week and is nearly 2. She loves it and has come on leaps and bounds and yes nursery were the ones who sorted out a structured lunchtime nap for her - otherwise she would only sleep on me !

I remember those feelings so well. I cried almost daily about 3 months before my dd was due to start nursery. The important thing is as long as you get the right childcare for you then you won't worry. In my case it was because I really didn't want to leave her at nursery and pulled her out of there after a couple of days. We found a childminder instead and I didn't worry one bit after that.

I wonder if some of your anxiety is because you are worried about having to work with your boss again?

Thanks for your kind words, I am feeling a bit better about it.

I almost just want to get on with it, as the anticipation is awful! Tokengirl I think you may be right about working with my boss. Ideally I would quit, but I have a year left of this current contract and it would be better so see it through.

I think you're right OP, the anticipation was worse than the reality for me. Second time around it still wasn't pleasant, but I knew things would be ok.

My youngest is 3 and now throws a strop if he isn't going to nursery! He has his own little group of friends and looks forward to seeing them. He eats like a horse when he's there and has access to lots of things he doesn't at home.