To feel so stuck and miserable?

[MamaPingu]

Basically my last boyfriend cheated on me and what made it really hurt was it took a year to find out and my "friends" knew but never told me.

So now it's impossible for me to trust anyone at all. I'm now in a new relationship which is being torn apart because I'm convinced he will cheat whether it's now or in 10 or 20 years.

I hardly know a man who hasn't cheated on their wife or girlfriend and it seems every few days I get told about another affair someone I know has been having. So that just confirms it in my mind it will definitely happen whether it's with my current partner or someone else.

It's breaking my heart and making me wish I was dead, I've had depression in the past and I can feel it creeping back.

In my eyes I can either stay with my boyfriend and be miserable wondering if he's cheating or split up and lose someone I love a lot and the father of my child

Am I being unreasonable?
I don't feel like I am, but I am miserable wishing I wasn't alive and that I hadn't brought my poor son into this mess.
I don't see a way out, I can either be lonely or learn to accept I'll end up having to stay with a cheat whether I know they've done it or not.

I feel a bit mental tbh

I'm sorry your last boyfriend was rubbish and I'm very sorry you don't seem to know any decent men. I've known plenty - they do exist. If you want to date in the future, perhaps widen your search. So YABU for thinking all men are rubbish

As for how you feel now, you will feel better. It takes time but one day you will feel better. In the meantime, be kind to yourself and keep busy.

Well you are certainly not mental!

I understand you feel betrayed but i promise you that not all men cheat, just the same as not all women cheat. I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you put these demons to bed.

Is the relationship with the new man good?

Why dont you take yourself off to the GP and see if you can get some counselling and some ADs if you feel they would help. As you say you dont want the depression to get a grip. Catch it now and kick its arse out of the door, so to speak.

The old saying

It's better to have lost and loved than never to have loved at all.

That doesn't help your feelings I suppose, but if you live life in fear of what might happen, you miss out on the joy of living in the present.

Fwiw I hardly know anyone who has cheated. There are good men out there. Take notice of any early warning signs. Perhaps you have a "type" and are attracted to "dangerous" men. Look at their values and ideals. Look for someone who would be a good friend and is kind and considerate. You maybe won't get the "highs" of massive sexual attraction, but you won't get the "lows" either.

There are no guarantees in life but you can't live life in fear of rejection, if you are not happy being on your own. Go to the doctor. You do need to sort the depression out. All the best.

OP. Calm down.

Men cheat. Women cheat. Some do all the time. Some of us never ever do.

You can't let this rule your life. And you are right, you may never know about things, but this is the real world, and you are not unique in this.

I've never been cheated on. Which equates to, I've never discovered that I've been cheated on. I probably have been, in fact more than likely I have. It's absurd not to get into relationships in case they go wrong. We would never get married for fear of divorce. My DP might get hit by a bus in 12yrs time...should I save myself that potential heartache and walk away now just in case something ever happens to him?

I understand you've been badly burned by your ex. My ex hit me. I could go through my life never ever trusting men incase they turn out to be another "him" or you can accept that you just can't tar everyone with the same brush and enjoy your life. You can't predict the future, who you will meet, how things will pan out. Relax, and accept that you may have just met the man you're going to happily spend the rest of your life with. Tell you what though, if you get miserable and suspicious and paranoid/accusatory around him, he'll leave, regardless of cheating/not cheating.

I realise I probably sound really harsh, it is not my intention at all, but you have the right to be happy, and the only person who can allow you to be that, is you. Don't be your own worst enemy.

Thank you all for your replies it does make me feel a lot better to hear it's not unreasonable but I do see that I do need to sort this out.

In regards to my current relationship, we are happy together. However when he's not here that's when I start feeling extremely down because I forget what I love about him and that I don't think he would cheat when I've got my proper head on.

However something did happen early on in my pregnancy which I think has made the issue much much worse. I told him I'd have a lot of trouble trusting him from day 1 because of my ex. Then when I was pregnant he went off me at one point and was quite nasty and uninterested and he was texting someone he went to school with whilst we were out together! So I asked him what was going on (not in a scary paranoid way or anything just asking) and he said they were friends. It played on my mind for hours so I just nicely asked if I could please see the texts just so I could put it to bed and not get wound up over it. And conveniently he'd deleted them :/

So fed up

Thinking seeing someone maybe a counsellor would be helpful in respect to everyone but to my current partner I can't decide what to do

I think you do sound quite anxious about the possibility of him cheating - almost phobic about it, which isn't healthy. You do need trust for a relationship to flourish. However, the text thing when you were pregnant is concerning and I would find it hard to dismiss that too. How is he with you now? Would couples counselling help, like Relate?

I think saying it's like a phobia is exactly right, it feels like the end of the world to think about it, like irrationally.

And we are quite good now tbh, I think he was funny with me during the pregnancy because he was scared.

I know they talk behind my back now, like she didn't post on his Facebook saying happy birthday but I saw her text pop up on his iPhone. And she never said congratulations on our baby or anything but all his other friends did. So part of me thinks he's hiding they're talking to stop me worrying cause they're just friends which is probably what is happening, but because he deleted the texts I always have a little niggle there's something more.

If he could have just showed me the texts that once I'd never have worried again! But I suppose he could have just been saying he didn't want to be with me to her or something, cause I know he didn't at some point

Then again, he hadn't told her I was pregnant so that would sway it as looking dodgy again