Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To move older dc to a rural location after living in the city?

82 replies

Wiggy29 · 29/09/2013 16:44

I'll try to be concise.

We currently live in the suburbs yet where we live means we needs to use car/ public transport for: dc school/ swimming baths/ cinema etc. The only things within 30mins walk are very small library, a handful of shops and a couple of small parks. When dc1 is old enough (currently 9) to travel to his friends, it would be a 15min bike ride.

We long for a more rural location and currently, older dc would love it for all the reasons we would (bigger house, huge garden, countryside on doorstep). My concern is that he will resent this when he's a teenager (several people we've spoke to about it have also mentioned the same issues, especially for when dc is 13-18).

The place we would be moving to is very small with only one shop and a pub, but it is only a ten minute bike ride to the two nearest villages who (though still relatively small) offer a Scouts group/ park but also, a bus that runs every ten minutes into the city centre (the journey itself taking about 20mins, which is the same on from where we live now if we go on public transport).

Is it selfish to move, or should we just go for it? Confused Heard such differing views in rw I thought it would be helpful to get a range of thoughts on here.

OP posts:
kmc1111 · 30/09/2013 08:33

I wouldn't. My parents did a similar move when I was 10. The next 7 years were incredibly isolating and boring. The other kids my age didn't really share any of my interests (most of them were being groomed to take over their parents farm/work on their friend's farms-I was into art and books and theatre), and unlike where we used to live, there weren't any places to make friends other than school. The kids in scouts and all that were the same kids you saw at school. I did have people to hang out with, but no real friends. They were nice people, but if I'd have thought no one would make a big fuss I would have rather have just had books for friends. BTW, all that crap about kids in the city being wilder...by the time I was 16 half of my peers in the countryside were either drug addicted alcoholics, pregnant, had criminal records or all three. Oh and an obscene amount died or were terribly injured in car accidents, most of which were caused by idiot kids playing chicken in stolen cars and stuff like that. It was easy to understand though. Live in a place where teenagers have nothing to do, they're going to make their own fun.

By living where we did I lost the opportunity to do a lot of things. Where we used to live there were lot's of free and cheap activities, there were museums and amazing libraries that ran all sorts of classes and events. In my new town there was really nothing. Loitering outside closed shops for 5 hours was considered a fun activity. When I was a bit older, I couldn't get any sort of job. There was no work in my town for teenagers unless their parents owned a shop, and we were too far away from bigger towns. I had tons of interviews and so many places told me I was perfect but I lived too far away. They wanted someone who could get there by themselves eg. not relying on mum and dad or a bus that ran every 2 hours, and they were right to. If I had gotten a job public transport wouldn't have cut it, I would have needed my parents to drive me back and forth most of the time, and I know they would have tired of it almost immediately. Meanwhile the few friends I kept in contact with in my old town all had jobs, and they also got to do some work experience and volunteering that greatly helped them later on. I had trouble getting work later because I had nothing on my resume when most people my age had at least a few work experience spots. Oh and the school I went to was terrible, there was definitely an undercurrent of 'everyone's going to be in this dead-end town forever, just like their parents and their parents parents, no point in bothering really'. The closest schools were the same, going to a decent one would have meant a 3 hour round trip, so never a viable option.

Probably the biggest thing was the lack of independence. I was very reliant on my parents to get anywhere, and because of the work situation I was also completely financially independent. I honestly had a lot more freedom aged 10 in a big town than aged 16 in a small village. In the big town I could walk to school, to nearby friends and shops, to the library etc. because there were so many people around, in the small village my parents wouldn't let me go anywhere by myself til I was pretty much an adult (and even then they didn't like it), because if anything happened there'd be no one around to help or even witness it. And like anywhere there were some real creeps, but due to the small population they knew my name, could easily guess where I'd be etc. I felt/still feel a lot safer in big towns and cities.

Oh and other posters are right, unless it's a big pre-planned thing like a concert, most teens just make plans on the fly which makes it really difficult if you're reliant on someone else to ferry you around.

Sorry to be so resoundingly negative, but I really hated living in the sticks. I moved the second I was able to, and life immediately got a million times better. I honestly feel living where I did held me back. I wouldn't mind living in the countryside as an adult, because now I've had fun, I've seen things, I've had opportunities, I've travelled...now I'd be ok with a bit of isolation and a nice, simple but rather dull life. But I'll wait til the DC's have left.

lljkk · 30/09/2013 08:40

Wifi is a good point: does your target village have decent broadband, OP? I live in Norfolk & lack of decent broadband in rural areas is a huge local issue atm.

I'm not sure how teens make local friends outside of school/clubs if not from hanging out on street corners & in the skate park which, er, isn't widely recommended.

Though I am not sure if it's possible to live anywhere with teens & not become a taxi service! Terribly important that they can do most basic journeys (to school & clubs) without relying on adults, though.

Trills · 30/09/2013 08:48

You should pay attention to KMC 's point about being able to gets jobs.

It's true that you will be a taxi service to some extent wherever you are, but in the countryside this will last for longer. And don't imagine that they will get cars at 17 - insurance is ridiculously expensive these days.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 30/09/2013 09:01

I grew up in a village. It had a shop a pub and a small school. I lived it. And we didnt have a car! There were more than enough local kids to always be friends with someone find someone to snog and there were occasional buses. I learned to be very patient waiting in bus stops and tbh rarely went into town anyway!
I woukd personally go one step further than you. Id drag the whole lot of mine off to Shetland give half a chance! Wink

Chunderella · 30/09/2013 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/09/2013 09:15

I live in the country because I want to do that. I want the beautiful garden and no neighbours and lovely views and I feel enormously lucky that I am able to do this.

I will, of course, make every effort to ensure that my teenagers have access to a social life/work opportunities etc. But I am not going to live my entire life in a spot that doesn't suit me out of a sense that they may be better off socially somewhere else. I don't even feel particularly selfish about this.

My DH was moved from the country to a town as a teen and hated it. Personal anecdotes are just that - personal! I truly believe that you have to do what you as an adult feel to you have to do, then make every effort to make it work for everyone.

Harryhairypig · 30/09/2013 09:19

I grew up in a village with reasonable transport links. buses to the next town and trains to where school and friends lived and that was ok. that was ok compared to the village with no transport links we moved to when I was 16. There were good reasons why my parents had to live there it wasn't just a lifestyle choice. I then had to rely on parent to get anywhere. I would spend all weekend at friends house where I went to school. left for uni and didn't appreciate the place until I was grown up. my younger siblings social lives weren't bad as they went to school in the village or next town and made local friends. They definitely made their own entertainment often involved illegal substances. but there was no way we were young farmers material so never did that. It was ok to grow up in a village. I do now live in a town with and will stay here till they are grown up.

Harryhairypig · 30/09/2013 09:22

that should say that all it was ok to grow up in villages have chosen to bring my kids up in a town as there is more to do and it's easier for them to be independent as they grow up.

JustinBsMum · 30/09/2013 09:27

We moved to country when DS was 14 and he happened to thrive in new much smaller school and met a great and still v close bunch of mates. It was friendlier and parents shared lift giving, unlike in the town where we had previously been.

Trills · 30/09/2013 09:33

Humphrey - of course you should live where you want to live. We're just pointing out some of the potential consequences, which will affect the OP as well as her children.

Living in villages/suburbs/towns/cities all have different pros and cons. It's good to be aware of them when you make the decision, but ultimately the decision is up to the adults.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/09/2013 09:37

Oh, I know that Trills. I was coming from the perspective that I wouldn't think that the consequences being pointed out were not necessarily relevant as the circumstances are all so very different.

It is not just town v country, it is a million different places versus a million different places.

HumphreyCobbler · 30/09/2013 09:44

Oh and possibly I was slightly chippy as I get quite defensive about the listings of all the reasons living in the countryside is crap as I am about to give birth and am very hormonal Blush

I just wouldn't dream of listing all the reasons I think living in the town is crap as I think it could be seen as rude to those who live in towns. Although that is the point of the thread so maybe I should just retire gracefully and shut up.

Preciousbane · 30/09/2013 09:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Trills · 30/09/2013 10:00

If someone starts a thread saying I am thinking of moving from the countryside to a town - what are the potential downsides then feel free to list them all!

Or list the crap things about living in a town here, just label them as this is why you SHOULD move to the country :o

notthefirstagainstthewall · 30/09/2013 10:04

If your children might like country hobbies - riding ,shooting, young farmers then they will have a lovely time (and they can also find part time work beating, mucking out, calf feeding etc).
If you need swimming pools,galleries,broadband etc then they'll hate the rural life.

IloveJudgeJudy · 30/09/2013 10:31

I haven't read the whole thread, but I remember from school that the DC who lived in the villages were the ones who couldn't go into the town for a drink in the Wimpy with their friends; they were the ones who couldn't/didn't meet up in town to go shopping or just mooch about. My teenage DC have some friends now who live in outlying villages and they are the ones who don't meet up at the weekend, or if they do, it's a big faff and can't be done on the spur of the moment. I would hate to live rurally. I don't mind suburbs, though. I wouldn't move. We particularly chose our house so it is near enough the town centre for DC to walk into and close enough to the schools, too.

NutellaNutter · 30/09/2013 10:31

This is a really interesting thread, and KMC's post struck a chord with me.

I think a move to the country also possibly depends on your children's personality type. I grew up in a small place and hated it. The only way to have enjoyed it would be to embrace the outdoor life, but that wasn't me at all. I think my experience was coloured by the fact I was a bookish, arty child. I now live in London, and am utterly in my element. There is so much to do here. All the children's theatre, galleries and museums and the millions of other off-beat things there are here for kids to do would have meant the world to me when I was much younger, and I often wonder whether a childhood in a big city would have meant an easier time of things for me.

Wiggy29 · 30/09/2013 12:11

Massive thanks for all your replies, it's really food for thought.

Have since spoke to woman in local deli (who lives in village) and discovered that there are actually 3 buses per hour into city (Newcastle) with 20min travel time. She has one dd past teenage years and one dd that is 9, she said they both love it and that kids are all very friendly/ play out together and transport links were no issue at all for her older dd. I know that's just her own experience but was good to hear, (she invited us to have a cuppa with her in her deli when we next visit (which is tomorrow) to find out more).

As for eldest ds's personality- it's a tough one. On one hand, he adores the outdoors- biking, football, walking etc etc but on the other he's quite happy reading/ playing lego/ going to cinema etc etc. I guess that's typical of most kids his age, it'll be hard to predict what he'll like as a teen. I would say that he's happiest with friends.

Also spoke to village school (few streets from house) and there are 30 kids in his class (so not that small), of which 19 are boys (and of those 19, around half are from the village, others from nearly villages). There is also a bus service which takes kids from village to next school. All of the schools are ones I'd be happy to send dc to (and dp and I are both teachers so we're fussy)!

OP posts:
Wiggy29 · 30/09/2013 12:19

Vivica- yes, there are currently schools within a 30min walk of us, there are several, I should have been more specific and said there are none that I would choose to send my child too.

OP posts:
Wiggy29 · 30/09/2013 12:20

or even send my child to Blush

OP posts:
zower · 30/09/2013 12:20

good luck! its been an interesting thread too.

flyingspaghettimonster · 30/09/2013 12:32

If there is a bus into town every ten minutes I wouldn't really class that as rural. Ny parents moved us from London to a village in Cambridgeshire when I was 9. I detested it for two years as the kids were really unpleasant in the junior school. there was only two buses a day which made life as a teen very tough - if I missed the 7.25 but I would be 2 hours late for 6th form and if I missed the 5.45 bus I was at the mercy of my Step father for a ride home. With so little transportation I had to beg to be allowed to any social events in the evening and only ever found two friends local enough to walk to their house.

If you are willing to be a taxi and take him to friends houses in villages all over, prepared for drives into town when he misses the last bus and think he will enjoy the countryside, go for it. A bus every 10 minutes sounds great.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 30/09/2013 12:40

Lol, are you sure it's in the countryside, 3 buses an hour with a 20 min trip into Newcastle sounds like the suburbs. Grin
I was picturing a remote hilltop farm out in the middle of the moors.
I think it sounds a perfect place to be.

MinesAPintOfTea · 30/09/2013 12:45

Its a gamble. I was moved to a village at about that age, along with my two brothers (both younger). In our teen years:
I was still the outsider and bullied/socially isolated
DB1 was in a close group of friends who stayed active in Scouting and did outdoors activities most weekends
DB2's friendship group fell apart and he ended up a group who took drugs out of boredom.

How far is it to the secondary school, and is it a school you are happy for DS to go to? Because his friends as a teen may not be from the village you are in/primary school he goes to.

Tak3n · 30/09/2013 12:45

I remember a debate on this subject on Radio 5 once, and the general consensus was it is a very selfish thing to do, young children then great, but the various experts made the point that having stuff to do for teenager's is critical to their development...

All I can tell you is we have done the opposite, I was bought up by parents who love the country and I had zero friends where we lived, a tiny village of 50 houses

and I was bored a lot, and I vowed to raise our DS in a urban environment, despite its shortcomings..

I don't know the right answer as obviously we now have the internet etc,