To be dwelling on this?

[louloutheshamed]

I had dc2 3 weeks ago by emcs. I have posted about elsewhere on here but basically it was slightly traumatic. Up until 37 weeks I was told I had placenta praevia and that I would need a cs, then they said it had moved at the 11th hour so I could wait to go into labour.

When I was 39 weeks I woke up at 1am with really heavy bleeding, as in huge clots falling out of me. I walked across the bedroom to out ensuite which resulted in a big trail of blood all over our bedroom carpet.

I woke dh and his immediate (and I mean immediate) reaction was to start a scrubbing the carpet. I asked him to go downstairs to get my maternity notes so that I could ring the ward and he seemed a bit irritated that he had to briefly stop cleaning the carpet and get them for me.

I have joked about it since, and on some ways I can understand his reaction as he is a v practical person just wanted to do something useful, but now looking back I can't help looking at him sometimes thinking 'I was heammoraging and all you cared about was the carpet'. He is generally v supportive and lovely, but for some reason this is playing on my mind.

WTF?! This is the sort of thing my stbxh would have done (I had 2 home births and his main contribution was getting the plastic sheet out so that we didn't lose our rental deposit on the house by staining the carpet!!)

However, for me it was part of a bigger picture of lack of understanding and empathy.

If your H is usually supportive and understanding I would be tempted to try and put it behind you and accept that at in the middle of the night he wasn't thinking straight. He was just on auto-pilot (being thankful that his default setting was to clean it up, not to get annoyed with you for making a mess and suggest that you fetch a cloth and some water to do it yourself!)

A bizarre reaction to a thankfully rare incident shouldn't taint these precious few weeks. Have you told him how inappropriate you found his behaviour/priorities?

No I haven't told him. I feel like I should let it go because as I said he is generally brilliant.

It was a strange event- I feel like I was on autopilot too- I didn't freak out at all, just did what we had to do. But the other day I watched that midwives programme and there was a woman with a Pph and I was nearly sick, it actually made my blood run cold.

Perhaps it was the panic and shock that made him act so strangely. Do talk to him, I'm sure if he's the loving and supportive man you say he is, he would hate that you think badly of him. He might have thought that you'd want him to clear it up quickly so that it didn't stain, as you'd be gone for a couple of days and he'd be busy visiting you and preparing to bring the baby home, so he probably didn't realise what an odd reaction it was.

Just say that he's such a great and supportive husband but that you were a bit confused about why he put cleaning the carpet before calling the hospital or enabling you to do so, and see what he says.

This does sound like he was on autopilot in the middle of the night! Can you have a chat about it - just say that you'd like to chat about the birth and what happened before to put your mind at rest. If he is as supportive as you say then he should be happy to talk about it. Just don't apportion blame - have an open and honest chat. I suspect deep down he was pretty scared!

I think when something terrifying is happening to someone you love (or in this case potentially 2 people your dh loves), you can react in very strange ways.

DD2 had a fit when she was tiny, when I rang the ambulance I started to give them the address of my childhood home, not our house. Then couldn't remember our address. (Luckily DSS, then 10 took over the call and totally calmly told them our address and then repeated instructions to me to put her in recovery position etc).

When I had an issue with my heart and ooh docs sent an ambulance for me, I insisted that the paramedics got the meat for the next days dinner out of the freezer before we did the blue lights dash to hospital

If your dh is normally loving and thoughtful, try to forgive his less than helpful response.

Congratulations on your baby, and xxxs that it was a scary start to parenthood.

I have asked my hubby about this to get a mans perspective.
He says with Blokes if there is a problem they are hard wired to try and fix things: because he can't fix what's happening with you he feels helpless and hence looks for the nearest thing he can control - I.e. cleaning. Defies logic but blokes are fairly simple creatures

My mother had a haemorrhage (not gynae-related), and my sister and I just got on with cleaning up, because it was the only thing we could do. But we did do all the ambulance and hospital stuff first.

It was when we got back to the house, and she was still in intensive care, it was much easier to get on with the practicalities of scrubbing the carpet and everything than talk about what might happen and how we'd cope with any of that stuff which we had no control over, couldn't do anything about and was frankly fucking terrifying. I do remember being in the hospital and having to answer questions about Mum's medical history, and feeling quite annoyed, because I was trying to remember what cleaning stuff was in the house and what else we needed to pick up at Tesco before we got home to fix it. It was easier to think about that than face up to the fact she might be going to die (which she did a week later.)

I suspect he was reacting out of fear, and it was the only thing he could think of to do that was useful. Obviously not as useful as calling for medical help, but far better than going into a total panic. So do talk it over with him, but try and understand part of him was probably worrying that you might be about to die, you might be losing the baby, and there was nothing he could do to stop any of it, and that sort of thing does stop us from behaving in the most sensible way.

I think you could be reading too much into this. It was the middle of the night, he panicked and went into practical mode. Judge him on how he is everyday as a husband and father. Not on one incident in a very frightening situation.

Also agree that he was probably on auto pilot, but I think you should talk to him, maybe once you express yourself and he talks about what was going through his head then you can move on.

My DP would do that too. He's just a neat freak. 'Fuck the carpet' would have been enough though!

I wouldn't worry about it, it doesn't mean anything. At least he's neat! I'd be more worried if he never bothered to clean that carpet and left it to you!

When my waters broke DP ushered me to our main bathroom. Through the entire house. Over pretty much every cream carpet. There was meconium everywhere.

We were both in such a flappy PFB panic (waters broke v early) that we totally forgot that there was a bathroom 2 meters away from where I was in the first place. Or to call the delivery unit or anything remotely sensible!

I'm sorry you had such a traumatic birth but people do silly things when they panic, try not to dwell on it too much.

My DH would have done the same. Try and move on.

Theres a lot of research about what people do in panic situations, and basically people react illogically. Think someone trying to rescue their pet budgie from a house - and taking it out of its cage first.

It's apparently very common to try to rescue something of high monetary value thats covered by household insurance. Then as soon as people get to safety, they think WTF, why did I take the iPad and leave my wedding album.

what a traumatic advent.

its noprmally, esppecially if it was traumatic to keep going over and over the birth in your head, but given what your dh did its added a new level to it.

i do think he just freaked out and just did some thing he could controll, but i think you should talk to your dh, if anything just so you can get it of your chest, also your hospital should have councling to offer, where they go through what happened and answer anything your unsure about, or just some one mutal to air your feelings to.

When I was in labour and in the bath for comfort, DH was cleaning the kitchen. Didnt bother me at all, but had I been haemmoraging, I would have expected him to do as I say immediatley.

Best thing to do - have a conversation with him

I know a midwife who mopped her kitchen floor whilst haemorrhaging and she also rang labour ward to say she was bleeding heavily and was waiting for her hubby to come home from work (a hour away) - the labour ward phoned an ambulance, told her to leave the mop, open the front door and sit down....
She was 'WTF was I playing at ' about it afterwards... Her hubby, a doctor(!!!) had also dutifully said 'yes dear' and set off home with no question!

It's shock - that's all - seen lots of strange reactions to it - that sort of thing especially...

Completely normal reaction to do the one thing you can think of doing and nothing else.... even if told

Hope you are ok now OP

Not exactly the same but having dinner with best friends and they had potty training nephew over who began to wee all over the dining room, their instant reaction was to place him out on the patio and start to clean the floor leaving him wet and cold outside the house

I did step in and had him upstairs to clean and change and bf followed me up after the "moment" and was horrified at their reaction! They felt awful for him, but thats all it was, a practical panic of the moment reaction, nothing to do with how much they dote on him.

So talk to him, tell him its bugging you i'm sure he will say that he didn't know what to do in a totally unfamiliar situation other than what he knew to do iyswim.

But don't kick yourself for dwelling either, labour does that to you, you denying your feelings isn't practical either.

When my waters broke I started to clean them up with loo roll, then nearly blocked the toilet as there was so much and was really worried about flooding the bathroom. My husband was in a bit of a flap and kept asking what DVDs I wanted to take into hospital and it wasn't until I said to him 'Are you freaking out?' that he realised that he was, in fact, freaking out and actually went and found the bit of paper with the delivery unit number.

Sorry - posted too soon!
I think you are probably still fairly raw and in a little bit of emotional shock after the birth and the live overhaul that comes with adding a baby into your family mix. I would say that you should broach it with him, but if that feels a bit too much, then maybe wait on it for a while - the chances are that the feelings you have will fade in a while once you're back to 'normal'. And congratulations!

Dh is like this. Very practical and hi auto pilot panic mode is clean. It's one of the thing I love about him most and hate him for all at the same time! With dd1 when my waters went I woke him up after phoning the hospital, I told him he needed to he dressed then 20 minutes later I found him stripping the bed still in his pj's. I know he doesn't mean it, I know he just panics and carries out his 1st thought.

You need to look at the bigger picture, was he really p'd off with you because you were bleeding or was he half asleep, saw the blood and panicked without going on to think omg, dw is bleeding to death here.

I would say talk to him about it, but don't blame and accuse. Calmly explain why it upset you and what you would have preferred. He may explain why he did what he did (dh usually points out he hadn't heard or didn't understand what was going in properly)

Talking of silly reactions, in therapy a few months back I was explaining something that had happened. It wasn't unlike my therapist said quite firmly and suddenly 'breathe' I realised I'd stopped! It wasn't a conscious thing, I was panicing a I was going over the details. These reactions really aren't voluntary sometimes.

Until not unlike!

When I tod DH I was pg with DS1 his first reaction was to fix a wonky headlight on his car. It went from me saying 'I'm pregnant' to him saying oh, ok and getting the toolbox from the boot. When the midwives called him to come in because I was in the final stages of labour he was decorating at the time and he actually asked if he had enough time to finish painting the wall!
Ask your OH about it, I bet he barely remembers doing it.
An don't worry

I would only be upset if his cleanliness was a general problem, that has been an issue before.

I know people who would do this because they do put cleanliness on such a high priority, you know, forget the baby being dreadfully sick instead be worried about tiles!

In that case - this would be a final straw for me.

However, if he is normally very balanced about cleaning, and not obsessed with it, then maybe he was sub consciously trying to maintain order in an out of control scary situation, or even hide a little from it.

Having a baby does throw us suddenly into a world of gore and blood even in the easiest of births!

Remember you are going to be massively hormonal as well.

You and baby are alive and well.