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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am not BU but I am so annoyed

62 replies

catgirl1976 · 29/09/2013 08:26

I have had a horrendous cold this week. Really fluey, fever, achy, cold, hacking cough and sore throat. Poor DS (nearly 2) has had it too.

I have had to go to work every day this week despite the fact I should have been in bed. DH doesn't work. He has DS 2 days a week, the other 3 he is on his own at home. TBF, he has recently (after lots of issues) started doing housework which is a step forward. We've had issues in the past about him being depressed / lazy and he is now getting treatment for the depression and is a lot better and he is pulling his weight around the house now and is looking for a job, so things have improved.

However, I have got up with DS every day this week. Washed him, dressed him, fed him etc, then gone to work. Then come home, played with him, fed him, bathed him, read to him and put him to bed.

DH now has the cold. Yesterday, despite it being Saturday and me still being a bit ill and totally knackered, I go up with DS, did his breakfast, washed him, dressed him, spent the whole day looking after him, took him to the park, did the food shopping, cleaned the house, did the laundry and cooked the dinner.

Sunday is my lie in and DH's turn. But come this morning and he says he is "too ill" to get up. So here I am. I won't get a lie in or a rest till next Sunday and I am back at work tomorrow. Still ill and I could really have done with just a little rest.

I know DH is ill, I have had it all week. It's a nasty one. But he doesn't have to go to work and he has Monday and Tuesday all to himself to lie in bed and get better.

All he had to do was get up with DS and sort him out for a couple of hours while I got some rest, then he could have gone back to bed for the rest of the day.

I am so annoyed. Arrgh. I needed to vent.

OP posts:

Pinupgirl · 29/09/2013 08:54

pachuit-the dh is not the main care giver. He wouldn't even do childcare until fairly recently even though he doesn't work-the op's mum did it.

catgirl-you can ppst as much as you like as you clearly need the support but you have to accept that some posters will get frustrated at your lack of perceived action. Do you have a time limit for him getting a job?-is he really trying? Is he really pulling his weight at home?. Keep posting.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 29/09/2013 08:56

I do understand the frustration.

I just wanted a rant about him being a selfish arse this morning. I should have name changed.

OP posts:

ZillionChocolate · 29/09/2013 08:58

There's no limit on posting, although it would be frustrating if you kept posting the same problem.

Today you have enabled him being selfish. Why are you the one getting DS up and ready if you're off to work? Is he doing household stuff at the same time?

Pinupgirl · 29/09/2013 08:59

He is not just being selfish today cat-he is selfish,The end. Don't be put off posting though.

Fakebook · 29/09/2013 09:01

I'd just leave the house and put him in the deep end. Go to a friend's or your mum's and sleep for as long as you need. Or book a hotel room.

You're letting him get away with it and he knows you will continue to do so.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 09:03

That's why I said "can argue that" -- OP works FT and the H has their DS two days a week. He's not a primary carer in any sense that I'd recognise but I'd be concerned that he could twist facts to make it look as though he is.

picnicbasketcase · 29/09/2013 09:04

Don't be afraid to post, everyone need to rant occasionally. It's easy enough for others to say 'just leave the bastard' but clearly it's not that simple.

mysticminstrel · 29/09/2013 09:05

Think about how ill you've felt this week, and how hard it's been for you to drag yourself out of bed every morning to sort DS (which your DH could have done) and then go to work.

Think about how miserable and awful you've felt all week.

Now understand that your DH does not give a damn about how you felt.

Pachacuti · 29/09/2013 09:07

It's not that he was a selfish arse this morning, catgirl. He was a selfish arse yesterday when you had to clean the whole house and do the shopping. He's been a selfish arse every day this week when you've had to do morning and evening routines with your DS. By the sound of things he was a selfish arse last week, and the week before that, and the week before that . This isn't a timeboxed phenomenon.

mysticminstrel · 29/09/2013 09:14

Pachacuti is right - last week your DH was well, not going to work and still let you do all of the childcare in the morning and evenings even though you were very sick and working.

SuperiorCat · 29/09/2013 09:18

Harsh though pacha and mystic sound, they have your interests at heart - more so than your selfish partner who left you to do everything while you were ill.

While you continue to enable him there is no incentive for him to change.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 29/09/2013 09:20

I know

I appreciate that and the sentiment behind the messages

OP posts:

Portofino · 29/09/2013 09:36

He's not do the housework though obviously. Otherwise you would. To have had to do it yesterday. If he is at a home all week I would expect the shopping/cleaning and laundry to be at least mostly done.

MrsMinkBernardLundy · 29/09/2013 09:44

cat i know what it is like. my x would do the same (although even would have made sure i had a break earlier in the week if i were ill and he was not.)

But if he won't get up, you get DS put him in bed with him and you go and sleep on the couch. you had no choice earlier in the week, why should he have the luxury of choice?

HazleNutt · 29/09/2013 09:50

if he is pulling his weight, why do you still do everything with DS in the mornings and evenings and spend your Saturday shopping, cleaning the house and doing laundry? He has 3 days without DS, plenty of time to get all this done.

no, he has not improved and is still a selfish arse. Only way you can live with one is to become one - stop expecting that he will one day start caring about how you feel and trying to make your life any easier. He was totally happy to let you get up and take care of DS every morning when you were ill. He didn't care. So go tell him that 'No, DH. I got up every morning, you're just ill, not dying, so it's your turn.'

Fairylea · 29/09/2013 09:52

Have a hug. You sound like you need one.

Your dh is an arse, but you know this.

Can you get ds to play upstairs with you next to dh by the bed and make as much noise as possible?

I really don't understand men like this, and yes I was married to one. They seem to have such a sense of entitlement when they are ill. I don't know how they think the rest of the world carries on.

My ex and I once booked a day off work together to decorate dds room and on the day he amazingly came down with terrible death inducing flu and took himself off to bed for the whole fucking day. And I knew it wasn't that bad as I'd had it and still had it. So like a mug I did the whole room myself and he (amazingly) appeared just as I was washing up the brushes. Arsehole.

No doubt he is now an ex.

You will reach your end point. It's coming.

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 29/09/2013 09:56

Thank you all

The house spotless when I got home on Thursday but DS can wreak a lot of havoc

He should have been doing mornings and evenings though. I just let him get away with it

We are playing with the noisiest toys possible this morning though

OP posts:

Primadonnagirl · 29/09/2013 09:56

Wtf?! What's so wrong with your precious husband that he gets to laze around , excuse himself from family life and yet you bloody praise him for finally doing some housework and looking for a job!!!! Sorry but he's just taking the piss and you choose to let him get away with it. Deal with it or stop moaning. Sorry to be harsh but it's made me really cross!As you should be.

DialsMavis · 29/09/2013 10:01

YANBU Catgirl, I'm sorry your DH treats you like this, I have read previous threads. I hope you do keep posting and that you get some perspective about just how selfish he still is. Why on earth were you getting up with DS all week before dragging yourself into work? Surely DH should have done that do you could rest as much as possible before and after work as you had to go to work feeling like shit? Most people would help an ill friend out if they were sick and working but your DH won't even help his supposedly DW. Why did you have to wait until today for a lie in anyway? I don't understand why he wouldn't have insisted you stay in bed yesterday..... We'll I do understand slightly , it's because he is a selfish prick with no respect for you.

littlemisswise · 29/09/2013 10:09

He is an absolute shit, I'm sorry but he is.

In our house I am disabled and DH works, he leaves the house at 6:20 and gets home at 6:30pm. Our kids are teens, but even when they were small this is how it worked.

He gets up at 5:15 and before he leaves for work he empties the dishwasher because I can't. Once the kids have left for school, I potter about cleaning and tidying. I do dusting, wiping the surfaces, the general keeping the house going. I do the laundry and sit to iron. I cook, the kids help me because I can not carry the pans etc. I do the food shopping online.

DH cleans the bathrooms, cleans the kitchen floors and does the hoovering thoroughly a the weekends. (The kids have usually given it a going over in the week) I would never expect him to do all the cleaning and the food shopping at the weekend.

Your DH is taking you for granted. Your food shopping shouldn't need doing on a Saturday, nor should your house need cleaning. You should not be doing the morning and evening routines. Think about it, I bet if he were the one working he wouldn't be doing them!

OrangeMochaFrappucino · 29/09/2013 10:55

For comparison, Cat I am currently unwell with severe pregnancy nausea and exhaustion. We have a 2.9 DS. My husband works ft, I work pt (but taking some time off sick). My husband is doing everything - every single thing. Getting DS ready and breakfasted, all weekend childcare, all cooking and cleaning, bathtime, bedtime, laundry, ironing, shopping. Basically, he is doing what you've been doing for years only he has just got a few weeks of it.

He is uncomplaining but I can see the strain it puts him under. I can see he is tired and overworked and I feel terrible about it. As soon as I am better, I will pull my weight again. I'm planning a great birthday present for him. And this is what I fail to understand about your husband - that he can watch you suffer and not care. How on earth is he not wretched with guilt? I'm glad things have improved but I just don't understand how he keeps on with this unbelievably selfish behaviour without a flicker of conscience. That for me is the most incomprehensible and mindboggling thing about your threads.

I hope you get some rest today .

Original poster

catgirl1976 · 29/09/2013 10:58

Oh jelly - hope you feel better soon

Your DH sounds lovely!

OP posts:

Pinupgirl · 29/09/2013 11:05

You have my sympathy cat-believe me I know its not as easy at just LTB. My own dh can be a lazy selfish fucker but he has improved slightly-I still have to tell him to do things but he is not lazy when it comes to dcs. Your dh is not only being horrible to you-he is being horrible to his own son with his selfish arse ways. That is not on.

whois · 29/09/2013 11:07

Oh OP I hate to think about your position when you post. You're carrying all the weight of family life and your 'D'H contributes NOTHING to the relationship. Not money, not emotional support, no help at home, not even a good dad.

There is no fucking way you should be cleaning and shooing at the weekend. The lazy creature you call your husband should be doing all that in his three child free days at home.

He isn't going to change. You also need to change to stop enabling him, but I wonder if you can. It's a hard transition to start standing up to him.

I couldn't live like this. Why don't you get out? That would be easier than trying to change him.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 29/09/2013 11:08

catgirl I am glad he has improved a lot and please don't namechange or stop posting. He still has a long way to go and so do you - don't let up my love. He should have been up last week getting DS ready, doing all the jobs in the evening and looking after you - he wasn't, he was still acting selfishly. A lot of people get a bit annoyed because you seem far too nice for him and he doesn't appreciate you... you have a lot of support here. Look after yourself and DS x

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