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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think 'do you feed her yourself' is a tucking rude and insensitive question?!

121 replies

TheRinkyDinkPanther · 28/09/2013 21:43

Random young woman in a restaurant who was a little but worse for wear came over to talk to my husband and I and our 4 month old this evening.. After exclaiming how large she is, massive in fact compared to her 3 month old (she is 50th %Ile for weight and height so hardly massive!) she then proceeded to ask if I 'feed her myself?' Am I alone in thinking this is a rude question to ask?! I am sensitive about it after failed attempts to breast feed but surely it's only a question you ask if you are judging the response?' Cheeky bitch. I wish I had said 'no. I rather prefer the method of hoping random strangers chuck her some scraps'

OP posts:
DoJo · 29/09/2013 13:06

Loa You're missing the point - on the whole, people are trying to be nice when they engage you in conversation about your baby, so asking about feeding is just an attempt to show an interest. AIBU is full of people who are offended by all the things you have mentioned, for different and sometimes legitimate reasons, but the point is that people aren't generally being mean or malicious, they are trying to connect with you over a shared experience.

digerd · 29/09/2013 13:20

'Bonnie babies' are the chubby ones and look gorgeous. It never occurs to me if they BFed or not. My Nephew was a real bouncing bundle of chubby joy and everybody loved him and said so. The word "massive" was never used - although he wasSmile.

Loa · 29/09/2013 13:56

Loa You're missing the point - on the whole, people are trying to be nice

No I just think context of the conversation and tone of the person matters.

Most people are nice other just thoughtless but I have encounter some utter bitches and some very passive aggressive people.

I've also encountered many other mothers who are very judgey when people make different parenting choices to them - very probably from insecurity - but who then do seem to need to find fault with different choices and point it out to those parents.

Yes I think the OP is bit oversensitive and shouldn't worry about this person.

However saying a baby is massive and then immediately asking about feeding does imply some link in the questioners mind and massive isn't a complimentary description. So I don't think it's entirely impossible the woman was at best being insensitive and worse having a dig.

ActuallyMadness · 29/09/2013 14:05

I feel for you OP because I felt exactly the same - I understand that it's a ice breaker, polite chit chat etc etc but it massively hit a nerve everytime someone asked. Thankfully it doesn't last long - the next question you will get is 'when are you going back to work?' .... I guess people just like to make conversation.

Tailtwister · 29/09/2013 14:09

I would find this a rather personal question for a stranger to ask. There's no real reason why someone would want to know unless the were trying to point score in a bizarre way.

I'm very pro-bf btw, but I'm afraid some people use it as a point scoring exercise against other women.

YANBU OP. I would have been taken aback too. As for the size comment, that's probably just a silly comment.

Tailtwister · 29/09/2013 14:11

I agree Loa. The 2 questions together insinuate she's trying to suggest a link between larger babies and ff.

DoJo · 29/09/2013 14:29

Loa You must be unlucky then as I have never encountered anyone who has experienced bitchy judgement from a complete stranger over how they feed their baby. Or maybe my friends and I are just lucky. Either way, I was asked the questions that the OP was several times when my son was little and there was never a hint that there was any judgement, although he was pretty big and I was breastfeeding. I just think that people project their own insecurities onto complete strangers when often their intention is perfectly pleasant, but I accept that if this is not your experience then you might see things differently.

bragmatic · 29/09/2013 15:51

I think it's an odd question for a complete stranger to ask. I have twins and I've always been taken aback by the 'did you have them naturally/are they IVF/did you breastfeed questions.

A woman once called from the other side of the cafe - "Did you push 'em out?"

shellbot · 29/09/2013 15:56

YANBU It's a personal question and none of her business. There's plenty of other things to talk about with fellow mothers of babies so why ask this.

zookeeper · 29/09/2013 15:58

I think YABU. I'd be more interested in why it upsets you so much?

Loa · 29/09/2013 16:00

Loa You must be unlucky then as I have never encountered anyone who has experienced bitchy judgement from a complete stranger over how they feed their baby

Well I'm not the only one and it's not limited to feeding IME.

I once walked home from town comforting a mother I didn't know who was in tears because her baby had a dummy and a total stranger had taken her to task very publicly. Personally I hate dummies but to do that to a loving mother I thought disgusting.

Many of my mummy friends have horror stories about strangers comments when their DC have public tantrums. Personally I found people sympathetic and helpful with mine or they've rapidly shut up with a glare from me.

Yes sometimes it parental insecurity projecting other times it's encountering people with issues and agendas of their own trying to cause insecurity or latching on to some perceived issue usually at worse time possible.

Can't hurt for OP to work on her wtf how dare you speak to me like that glare just in case it wasn't just her.

hackmum · 29/09/2013 16:00

I find that particularly phrase annoying for being euphemistic.

Without knowing tone of voice etc it's hard to know whether she was just making friendly conversation or finding a reason to judge you. Or, possibly, she'd noticed your baby was bigger than hers and was curious as to whether you were using the same method of feeding as she was or different.

I don't usually start conversations with strangers in restaurants but might if I was a bit pissed.

badbride · 29/09/2013 16:31

Can't believe the amount of stick the OP has had on this thread. I haven't got kids, and even I know there are 5 topics one should NEVER broach with mothers you don't know extremely well. To wit:

  1. How the infant is fed
  2. How the infant is sleeping
  3. The infant's mode of delivery (unless involving a stork/ UFO)
  4. When/ if the mother of said infant is returning to work
  5. What plans there are for future pregnancies

There is plenty of scope for small talk about a baby's adorability/ age/ outfits/ toys/ likes and dislikes without having to tread on sensitive territory.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/09/2013 16:36

I defy anyone who sees ds (4 months)not to comment on his size. He is the llllllloooooonnnnnngggggggest baby anyone has seen and his weight pretty much matches his height.

People do comment, they also ask how much he weighed at birth and if my husband is tall. On discovering dh is average height and that he was only 8lb 3oz at birth then it is pretty natural to ask how he is being fed,

To which I tend to laugh and say "breastfed - a LOT!"

I guess they could comment on his gorgeous olive skin and lovely dark hair but as me, dh and dd are all very fair skinned blondes that could get them into trouble too!

(Luckily we don't have a very tall dark skinned milkman or dh would be very suspicious!)

None of this bothers me - over sharing is just a part of motherhood!

HeffalumpTheFlump · 29/09/2013 16:37

Bad bride - Really?? You can't even ask if a new mum is managing to get much sleep without being a bitch now? Ridiculous.

badbride · 29/09/2013 16:41

Err, where did I say that broaching those topics would make anyone a bitch? I didn't. Just that some areas are best avoided when making small talk with complete strangers. For all you know, a poor new Mum may be feeling inadequate because her baby hardly sleeps. Having to explain as much to a total stranger won't help, I'm sure.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 29/09/2013 16:44

badbride You can tell you have never been to an under 1s group! That is pretty much all the conversation topics we have! Remember - we are all very very tired!

And IMO far less inflammatory than "is your baby blahblahing yet, mine is!"

Loa · 29/09/2013 16:51

You can tell you have never been to an under 1s group!

You'd expect sleep questions and feeding questions at that kind of group.

I do think it's different to what questions you expect at restaurant with a complete stranger. This context and the linking of questions the woman made were odd - IMO.

Though entirely possible due to woman being slightly drunk and not at her social best.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 29/09/2013 17:09

Badbride - Ok take out the bitch part. Is it really so unreasonable to ask a new mum if she is getting much sleep? To me that would simply be concern for the mum! It just seems like a complete minefield where anyone showing an interest is likely to come off badly. I think that is unfair. There is a million different things a new mum could be feeling inadequate about. Should no-one speak to her about it to avoid any possible offense?

Minifingers · 29/09/2013 17:11

It's a tactless question to as a mother in a country where inexplicably large numbers of women find they are unable to breastfeed.

It's like going to Germany and asking 'what did you do during the war'.

HeffalumpTheFlump · 29/09/2013 17:13

I also don't see the problem with asking if a woman would like to have more children or if they plan on returning to work! If there is no judgement behind it, why is it wrong to be curious about a person's future plans? Perhaps it's nosy, but showing interest in any area of a person's life could be classed as nosy. People just seem so quick to decide that others must be judging them :(

wokeupwithasmile · 29/09/2013 17:28

I think it was a bit awkward, and it has happened to me, too, from people I am not really friendly with. But then I think that there is a compliment somewhere in there. If my baby is healthy and clearly well fed, and if I am doing that, it must mean that I am doing it well and that my baby is thriving. Some people just don't know how to say things in an appropriate way, even without the wine.

jasminerose · 29/09/2013 17:30

I think this makes you sound crazy tbh

JugglingFromHereToThere · 29/09/2013 17:36

I think it's slightly rude from a stranger as implies there could be some judgement about the way you're feeding her, you might have been unable to breastfeed but not want to go into it all, and even if happily breastfeeding some people might find that slightly uncomfortable to talk about with a stranger. I'm sure Debretts would recommend other lines of conversation as openers with a mother, her partner and baby!

Want2bSupermum · 29/09/2013 17:36

I would never ask someone how they were feeding their baby. People have asked me I say bottle. It doesn't answer the question as could be ebf or ff.