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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how you teach your dc to stick up for themselves

28 replies

supermariossister · 28/09/2013 18:52

ds is 6 and its really starting to get to him. he has friends he plays with at school or on the front but is always the one who gets left out of games or such because he doesn't argue just goes off alone. he has been playing out today and his frisbee is broken one of his "friends" snapped it. just seen this friend come into garden take a massive handful of sand and walk off throwing it round have told ds if he is playing with them he needs to say if you do that you will have to because you are wasting my sand, breaking my toy or whatever else but he seems so shy and unwilling to do so. I know he can speak up for himself but just doesn't seem capable of it

OP posts:
PTFO · 28/09/2013 19:48

bump

Donkeyok · 28/09/2013 19:53

So sorry to hear this it is so painful when this happens to your little child.
There was a good blog on here a couple of days ago about a 4 year old girl who was being bullied at her new school (ears pulled etc)
The little girl stopped being bullied her mum asked her what happened and she said "I just roaaaarrred at them". Well it worked for her. Its painful as I know with my ds became overly sensitive following bullying
I got some good books from the library on speaking up and standing up to bullies for him to read. We also practiced senarios so that he would have a ready made answer when it all got too much.
I would speak to his class teacher and get their angle on it or make them aware if they haven't noticed it.
A change of school was needed for my ds as he was being bullied but
your situation sounds more easily managed.
Drama is a good after school activity to help develop confidence.
Good luck.

TrueStory · 28/09/2013 19:56

i think supermario you handled it well i.e. a small piece of advice supporting his right to stand up for himself.

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 20:08

I appreciate the advice, the first time they broke one of this toys I replaced it but I can't do that every time. now he only takes cheap outdoor toys but its more that they don't care about how they treat them because they know he will never say anything. so want to support him but know it needs to come from him not me screaming like a fishwife from the doorstep

OP posts:
brettgirl2 · 28/09/2013 20:59

I'm not sure it does entirely need to come from him. I wouldn't stand for a child coming into my garden and behaving like that, you are letting him walk all over you. I also would feel that it is a priviledge to play with my ds not a right, therefore I would keep an eye out and if I didn't like what I saw ds would come in.

Finola1step · 28/09/2013 21:16

I have no real advice but we are in the same situation. My ds is 5 and a half. He's always been a gentle boy. Even when very little, he would be the one in the sand pit having his toys snatched off him and he wouldn't retaliate. Fast forward to starting school and he make loads of lovely friends. But his two fave friends are the oldest boys in the class and my son is very much the third in the friendship IYSWIM. He's happy most if the time but I do keep a close eye on these friendships. I must admit I do encourage friendships with other children more than his two current favourites. We talk a lot about what to do in specific situations. It is improving and I have noticed that since going back to school in September, the friendships seem to have shifted a bit with all the boys in the class.

I just keep on listening very carefully to what he says and fostering his other friendships. I suspect I will always have to keep a close eye on this. I have considered sending him to karate (which he wants to try) because in my experience as a primary school teacher, the kid who does martial arts isn't the one who gets bullied. I grew up on a tough council estate and so have always been more of a scrapper and a gobby mare. But that's not my son my dd is much more like me . I will watch your thread with interest.

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:17

I did send them out of the garden and do so when they aren't behaving he so wants to play with them but they treat him like crap just wish he would speak up a bit. I wonder if he did more activities he would make some friends, and what kind of things he can do.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/09/2013 21:18

I think it needs to start with you too. He needs to see that he's worth defending and you behaving assertively.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 28/09/2013 21:18

X post

NotYoMomma · 28/09/2013 21:19

never hit first but aleays hit back?

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:21

we are in the middle of an estate, a lot of the children here are more grown up than ds even If they are the same age. like you he is quite soft and just wants to play a game he won't put up a fight in case people won't play with him but what it turns into is people walking all over him. just hope that together we can build his confidence in himself

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 28/09/2013 21:22

Practice being assertive, I had a bullying situation in which one of mine was getting forced into playing with a child who they were friends with but was restricting their other friendships, and we practiced what to say to her and what to do if she started up again- first day it didn't go well, but second day it did and by third day, she knew what my dd was going to say. Also- be indignant on their behalf, but give them some tools to deal with it. You can be physically assertive without hitting anyone (physically move away, remove yourself, use a big voice).

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:24

I agree, I sent friend out of the garden before for chucking his stuff about throwing handfuls of sand around but ds was upset because he had gone just not sure how I can do both defend him but not drive the people he wants to play with away

OP posts:
minihahawithafringe · 28/09/2013 21:34

Thing is...as he grows he will learn. He's still small yet.

Some kids just don't have a fight in them.

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:39

I hope so mini, he is a lovely little boy I want him to have friends who treat him well

OP posts:
SuburbanRhonda · 28/09/2013 21:39

Try the book, "Stick Up for Yourself!: Every Kid's Guide to Personal Power and Positive Self-esteem" by Gershen Kaufman.

I use it with children in school who need help to build resilience to cope with the cut and thrust of school life. I would thoroughly recommend it.

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:40

will take a look thanksGrin

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 28/09/2013 21:40

Ask him how he wants to handle it if he seems miserable.

Tell him he has choices either put up with it, lose toys, end up with no sand, or do something about it to whatever extent he feels it is possible to do something, or change his attitude to his things or to having company to play with and that it's up to him to decide how he wants to proceed and that you are confident he will choose what's right for him.

Then sit back and leave him to it.

Some children will behave badly just to provoke a predictable reaction - miserable child when a toy is broken or an irate mother. Then off they run, laughing. You have to change your reaction if you are going to nip this in the bud.

Be sure it is not you projecting your feelings about the toys and sand onto your DS too. Maybe he doesn't care as much as you do about the toys.

mathanxiety · 28/09/2013 21:42

That is a great book.

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:45

I will do, the toys has been an issue before so I will be careful not to let that take over.

OP posts:
MissBetseyTrotwood · 28/09/2013 21:48

My friend's DS sounds very similar. There is a SEAL (Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning) group at their school run by an excellent TA and it helped him to say no to other children. There is a lot of role play that goes on in the group so maybe you could practice situations with him? DS1 does a good line in a big, direct, 'NO' or 'STOP. Stop it I don't like it and if you carry on I'm getting my teacher/parent/aunty.' Teaching body language can be powerful too. Learning a 'stop' sign with your hand can be a good physical reminder of what words to say!

My other question is whether or not you want him to be friends with these kids. I'd want my DSs not to take advantage of anyone, regardless of how easy they may find it and I'd hope the parents of these other kids would be doing the same.

Your DS sounds a lovely little chap btw. Smile

Original poster
supermariossister · 28/09/2013 21:56

I will do this, I will also at parents evening speak to his teacher and see what he is like in school. I don't really if I'm being honest want him too but feel awful for always making him be the one that comes in or is left out as there are all boys of same age on street who play together

OP posts:
OldBagWantsNewBag · 28/09/2013 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justanuthermanicmumsday · 28/09/2013 22:43

I agree with oldbabag. My daughter is 6 now believe me at home she is the loudest throws tantrums etc etc, but at school she's as quiet as a mouse and has few friends, but surprisingly the bad boy of the class supposedly bad boy is her best mate lol.

Anyway I put her into judo, Im astonished to see the confidence she has during exams. Not more friends but a lot more confident, and she won't take anyone physically attacking her.

next step is drama classes she doesn't want to go but she has no choice, she didn't want judo but loves it now.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 28/09/2013 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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