My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

[AmberLeaf]

Whilst I do understand your daughter has autism, I think it could be reinforcing the fact that she is anxious about such outings more with the anxiety you appear to have about taking her. Perhaps building her confidence to be able to do more spontaneous things would work with some practice

What the OP did as prep as absolutely the right way to help her DD.

[susiedaisy]

Personally op I would be pissed right off with the person that had Italian the night before the meal you had all agreed on and then tried to change the entire evening to suit herself because she couldn't face another meal of pizza or pasta!! She is the one that has actually caused all this fuss not you!

[waltermittymissus]

*dd's

[nkf]

You and your daughter have to go with the crowd on this one I think. If you really think she can't handle it, you will have to bow out. I get the impression you are using the opportunity to help your daughter get used to restaurant eating and that sounds great. But, maybe not mix it up with a gang of girlfriends who want to please themselves and change. They all want to change I take it. Can't you go with your daughter somewhere?

[susiedaisy]

And silverapples your 11.15 post is spot on!

[AmIthatHot]

I think YABslightlyU.

I would have spent today talking about Chinese food, looking up on Internet , making it sound like a fun change, a change for the better if you like.

Change is inevitable, particularly as they grow older, the challenge is to handle the change in a positive way. My DD is now 14, and when we plan scenarios, I always include a plan b, for everything. If its outwith my control, then I have hopefully prepared her for things not being entirely as she expected.

I hope you both enjoy whatever you decide to do

[AmberLeaf]

FutTheShuckUp the relevant part is that her friends expressly requested her DD attend too.

[Mumsyblouse]

So- OP, if this makes you so anxious as well, why not ask one of the girls you are the better friends with to come with you to the Italian another time? One on one is so much better if there is anxiety- and why not pick up the phone and tell them how it really is. All this group pack mentality is not helping you at all because they are thinking fun girly night out and your needs really don't fit within this tbh.

[CrabbyBigBottom]

You've got some very skewed replies on here because you didn't put the fact that your DD has autism in your first post. Of course that changes everything and that level of preparation is sensible and necessary and you should have made that clear from the start.

If they don't have kids (especially a kid on the spectrum) you can't really expect them to understand how much this would unsettle your DD. So they're being a bit unreasonable at this point by mucking things about at the last minute. You need to explicitly spell it out to them that this won't work for DD because of her autism and need for preparation. If they then get arsey about it, they are definitely BU. I think that you should say that you are going to take DD to the Italian restaurant, stating clearly why, and leave the ball in their court.

Also, the back and forthing of messages... she can't do this or that... is not helpful, I think you should have just said immediately 'look guys, this isn't going to work for DD - due to her autism and anxiety she needs loads of preparation for new experiences (which I've been doing all week) and she's going to freak out if we change the plans now. If you want us to come then it's going to have to be the Italian.'

[AmberLeaf]

Bang on SilverApples.

Some friends [the good ones] will make the effort to understand, others can't be arsed.

I think Marriedinwhiteagains suggestion letter/email is a good one.

[JumpingJackSprat]

im sorry if my posts were harsh op. it aint your fault one of your friends tried to rearrange... maybe you could have handled it bettee but whats done is done. maybe when youre out just explain about the prep you have to do and it was too short notice to change plans. if theyre real friends then they shouldnt make you feel bad about it. hope you and dd have fun :)

[NanooCov]

I think you're being a little unfair to your friends in suggesting there will be a continuing "atmosphere". They have agreed to stick with the Italian. All you need to do at the start of the evening is thank them for their understanding and maybe give them a little explanation of why last minute change of plans don't work with DD. You say yourself they've only seen her on good says in your home so they're probably just not aware. And that's not their fault. I think your own anxiety is the thing that will now potentially make the evening out difficult. Give your friends a chance to show their support.

[Bunbaker]

"I think it could be reinforcing the fact that she is anxious about such outings more with the anxiety you appear to have about taking her. Perhaps building her confidence to be able to do more spontaneous things would work with some practice."

You clearly know nothing about children with autism. Your idea simply doesn't work.

[nkf]

But do the friends know what you have to do to make this happen? If they don't, then you have to take that into consideration. I honestly think you should have told a fuller story in the first post. I guessed it because such a lot of prep was involved, but do your friends know?

[Bonsoir]

You have made a mountain out of a molehill.

[pinkdelight]

Doesn't sound like you'll get much out of the catch-up with your friends if you actually want to spend the eve with your DD. Not sure why you're going, given all the anxiety it's causing. Let them enjoy their Chinese meal and you take DD for an Italian. Maybe your friends are very different to mine but I'd find it hard to talk freely on a girlie dinner out with a 5yo, esp one who needed your attention.

[Jinsei]

I thought i had mentioned autistic 5yo dd instead of just saying 5yo dd. Once again, apologies. But even without this detail, it seems obvious from my OP my dd is not NT (but perhaps that's because i have experience of ASD) and that she suffers from anxiety.

It was perfectly obvious to me from your OP that your dd had some SN. I can't imagine why it wasn't obvious to others.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

YANBU, and I found it obvious from your OP that your dd had SN.

I have 3 dc with autism, so I get where you're coming from. I do think however that you should try and prepare your dd for more spontaneity in life, you won't always be able to prepare her for every eventuality and she will need skills to be able to deal with any anxiety new situations bring about.

In this situation though, and with your dd being only young, YADNBU.

[SilverApples]

Mountain out of a molehill?
I do agree that perhaps fewer words and more clarity when communicating with the group would have simplified things, and worrying less about how they feel.
But to do that, you need to be confident and sure in yourself, which I am but many are not.
DS was an explosive Aspie, which made my choices clearer and limited. If he'd been pushed into a meltdown at 5, he wouldn't have been sitting weeping under the table or flapping. He'd have been a hazard to people and furnishings. It helped me cut through the waffle and bullshit and the euphemisms and prioritise.

[AmberLeaf]

If he'd been pushed into a meltdown at 5, he wouldn't have been sitting weeping under the table or flapping. He'd have been a hazard to people and furnishings

Sounds familiar I know what you mean.

[SilverApples]

He's a lovely young man now, with a sense of humour and numerous strategies he self-implements to handle stressers. Took years of helicoptering though.
Fewer words, more clarity in your explanations to your friends. They don't understand and most of them probably aren't that bothered, so after a paragraph their brains shut down.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

DC4 (also 5) would be whacking and biting people is he were having a meltdown, even when he is happy he doesn't know the meaning of personal space and would be kissing, stroking and hugging people to the point of suffocation (even random strangers!). I used to think it was stressful going out with dc2 (9) who screams when having a meltdown, but at least he stays well away from other people!

We're slowly getting there but everyday things that other peolple take for granted (like your friends OP) can be so hard and stressful.

[PigStack]

How about "Sorry to be a pain, but unfortunately DD won't cope with any last minute changes. That is the nature of autism - she will get incredibly anxious. So, if you really can't tolerate another Italian tonight, I understand, and we'll re-arrange for another night" to your friends and then take your DD to the restaurant by yourself tonight?

What she said

[HeadfirstForHalos]

Yeah I agree with fewer words, I've found that sometimes you just have to be pretty blunt with people and not worry too much about offending them. You have to do what works for you. Grow a rhino hide :)

[Whatdoido5]

I d don't read it as the dd being SN especially. As someone who has suffered with anxiety I read it as the op being anxious.

I'm sure having an autistic child isn't easy. And I'm sure the op needs to do the prep she did, now that has been clarified.

But my initial response was based on the original op.

If I was as anxious as the op now seems to be, I wouldn't go. Because I wouldn't enjoy it at all.