My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

[AmberLeaf]

Autistic or not I'd be a bit miffed if what we ate or where we went was dictated purely because one of the group couldn't/wouldn't get a babysitter

That is not what happened though. Read the OP.

[JumpingJackSprat]

sorry x posted with the drip feed. if youre friends are aware of dds autism then yanbu just explain to them why she needs so much preparation.

[ihearsounds]

Maybe some of the posters should read the op. Some of you are saying her dd can have x, y and z with some rice... The op stated her dd doesn't like rice.

[FutTheShuckUp]

I have read it thanks amber leaf

[SilverApples]

OP, this is why the SN boards are opt in. Cos out here
you get people who haven't a clue about the spectrum or children on it calling you a helicopter.

[Moxiegirl]

It does sound like the person who decided that they didn't want 2 Italian meals in a row is top dog and a bit precious!
Having said that, my dd is also autistic but unfortunately suffering change is part of life and can't always be helped. Have you asked her about the Chinese restaurant? She might just surprise you, the chopsticks might be a winner.

[BillyBanter]

However it would have been better to say in your first email that as dd is autistic you have had to prepare her for the Italian experience and you don't have time to prep her for this last minute change so you won't be able to attend if they do go for Chinese.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Even before you said she had ASD I thought you were being completely reasonable.

I wouldn't want to take my DC to a restaurant where they wouldn't eat anything on the menu and expect them to sit there for two hours while the adults ate and chatted. It would be a crap evening out for you and for her.

Its threads like these though that make me hold my head in my hands about what a load of ARSE BISCUITS inhabit AIBU. I don't think there is genuinely a parent out there who would take their kids somewhere they'd have to entertain them for two hours on an adult night out.

[marriedinwhiteisback]

Dear friends
I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight but due to DD's autism she will not cope with a last minute change although I understand why you have decided to change and would to if I didn't have to be so mindful of how dd will cope.

DD and I are going to go to the Italian restaurant as I did all the groundwork to prepare her for a night out and to cope with a new experience which she finds difficult even with lots of preparation. DD and I will enjoy this special time together and it will be good for her socialisation/people skills to stick to the plan of going and this will help her in the future.

Talk soon - have a great weekend - dd and I are around during the day if anyone fancies popping round for a coffee.

Much love Ewehavegoattobekiddin

Sorry you are going through this OP and that your friends aren't able to empathise - yet.

[Littleen]

Whilst I do understand your daughter has autism, I think it could be reinforcing the fact that she is anxious about such outings more with the anxiety you appear to have about taking her. Perhaps building her confidence to be able to do more spontaneous things would work with some practice.

[ihearsounds]

So the op is bu, but the other adult, who decided to eat at an Italian yesterday, knowing about tonights plans is completely blaimless is all of this?

That is the person in the wrong here. THey all decided days ago to eat at a specific place.

[FutTheShuckUp]

It sounds like the majority of the group were happy with the chane of plan, probably because they wanted a night out with friends not to be bound to anything because of your child. Sorry but that's how it works when you are in the minority and if you have children and no sitters you do unfortunately have to miss out on some events.

[curlew]

"I think it is unfair of your friends to expect a young child to want to eat anything from a Chinese Restaurant so I understand your displeasure about that."

Irrelevant to the topic, but i just wanted to say I think this is one of the oddest posts I have ever seen on Mumsnet.............

[DontmindifIdo]

YANBU - although you should have mentioned her SN at the start! (guess you've got that now...)

I'd just send around another message that you aren't going to make it this time, you hope they all have fun. Then individually when you see each of these friends face to face explain that her Autism means you can't just change plans at the last minute as you have to prepare her for new situations, that it's annoying but you are finding this approach successful and you feel it's a small price to pay for a non-melting down DD. Each one make it clear that if plans at the last minute change that include DD you'll have to miss it. You aren't dictating to the group, it's just a limitation you have on your life.

I'd also start trying to find other babysitters you could use in the future, it might be easier to do dinner at 8ish (so you'll still get your day with her) without her for friend catch ups.

[randomAXEofkindness]

I think they're all being arses . I definitely do not think YABU op. I agree with littlewhitetea that you should tell them that you are going to the place you have planned in any case, if they want to join you fine, if not, also fine (you'd probably have a better time with your dd without the bad atmosphere anyway on this occasion). Your friends know that your DD is 5 & autistic. They said that they 'missed her too', hardly likely since they're not interested in her enough to spend a couple of minutes to google search 'wiki autism'. They've made it really difficult for you to enjoy the evening now because of their passive aggressive eye rolls etc. They could have enjoyed it at either - there's hardly much of a difference, it's all food! So yeah, I think they're selfish, spoiled, and passive aggressive. You were only thinking about your dd.

[randomAXEofkindness]

Sorry you've got to put up with them op

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

I'm not sure why so many people are angry about 'drip' feeding. And i'm not sure why I'm being called a helicopter...

I thought i had mentioned autistic 5yo dd instead of just saying 5yo dd. Once again, apologies. But even without this detail, it seems obvious from my OP my dd is not NT (but perhaps that's because i have experience of ASD) and that she suffers from anxiety.

I like the above response just honestly telling my friends that my dd can't cope with the change, but they will then roll their eyes and once again say 'Fine. Why are you still going on about it? We're going to the Italian place.'

So no matter what i write to them, it won't fix this atmosphere I've created.

i have a horrible knot in my stomach now. This is why i hardly go out. it's too much stress. Too much planning is required. And more often than not, the whole thing needs to get cancelled.

[FutTheShuckUp]

Would it be possible to arrange catch up nights at your place in future? Would suit you and your DD then. I totally get where your coming from but I'm not a fan if children attending adult nights out regardless of whether they are NT or not so think maybe the evenings out with your DD coming might not be the best idea.

[AmberLeaf]

I have read it thanks amber leaf

Did you miss the bit where the OP said her DD was specifically invited?

[Ruebarb]

I do not have young children now- both adults - but have 2 comments:
1 I would be really fed up with having to change arrangements at last minute - why do people feel the need to keep changing arrangements - is it a power thing and for the 2nd friend to then say she did not really like pizza and pasta either then why did she agree to the Italian restaurant in the first place? Makes going out such hard work and arrangements flakey to say the least.
2 I would never take a young child out with friends unless everybody had children with them (or at least the majority). It just changes the evening and means that I would never relax and I would feel that everyone would have to accommodate my child. I would also feel uneasy about anybody else taking her child well.
I probably come from a slightly older generation than other people there pre text/mobile phone/email so arrangements could not easily be changed spontaneously and I still find it rather rude.

[waltermittymissus]

Hi friends

I've been feeling really guilty about forcing everyone to go to the Italian when none of you fancy it.

There's just no way I'll be able to change it with dad's autism. I put the feelers out about Chinese and I know we'd have a meltdown on our hands!

I was thinking why don't you guys go ahead to the Chinese, dd and I will go to the Italian and you can come back to mine for a chat afterward/meet for coffee at the weekend.

[SilverApples]

Having a child with a disability is one of the clearest and most uncompromising ways of telling your fair-weather casuals from your true friends.
It sifts the wheat from the chaff ruthlessly.

[FutTheShuckUp]

No, I saw the bit where the OP said she'd HAVE to bring DD....

[Mumsyblouse]

spoiled, selfish I'm sorry I disagree, before I had children I just had no idea what was and wasn't possible with children- I didn't know that it's hard to get a baby to sleep or that routine makes children cry or anything. I never saw a child or baby really, none in my family or among friends- it was a sharp learning curve. I would have probably made stupid suggestions too.

One sure way for the OP to lose friends and feel lonely and isolated is to assume they mean something malicious by this. They don't- one person didn't fancy Italian, others joined in .They are unthinking. If the Op had emailed back immediately with a very clear response that due to dd's autism she wouldn't be able to change venue at the last minute, could they bear this in mind, they probably would have done, but she didn't.

I really think arranging group events by group email among a group of girls used to going out like this is asking for problems. Why not pick up the phone to one of these girls and actually explain the problem, you know, like friends? They can then email the rest of the group with real understanding, whereas what is happening now is that the oP is feeling frustrated and excluded.