My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

[Chocovore]

Drip feed or what!

You need to remind your friends that you daughter has SN and explain a but about the autism causing her to be inflexible.

[BurberryQ]

barbecued meat and rice and Chinese tea, chopsticks ofc - all good fun and no strange or new flavours.....?

unless the Chinese in mind is one of those dreadful places with orange jam poured over unidentifiable meat and scraps?

In which case do not inflict it on your daughter.

[CrohnicallyLurking]

You should have mentioned that your DD has autism in your OP (though I had kind of guessed from your description of the preparations).

I think you need to be frank with your friends about why the preparation is needed. And that it's not just a case of her getting antsy, but give them the worst case scenario, ie what would happen if it was too much for her and she had a meltdown. Not just saying she will be anxious, but a vivid description of her behaviour, whether that's being clingy and demanding so you won't enjoy yourself (and neither will your friends) or throwing food or a tantrum. Your friends probably don't realise how important the prep is, especially as you have coping strategies in place and they've only ever seen your DD when she's calm.

[Mumsyblouse]

Can you not meet up with one sympathetic friend at the Italian another time? I just think taking any child out when they are not used to it, need a lot of preparation and may flip out (NT/autistic/all small children) is really making this a stressful experience all around.

[RapunzelsHairBrush]

I was just about to ask if your dd had a ASD warranting the minute levels of preparation, because it just doesn't seem normal to carry that out for a 5yo, but you have answered that.

That fact, alone, is INCREDIBLY relevant to the situation and determining whether YABU - you should have said that, both to us AND to your friends.

How about "Sorry to be a pain, but unfortunately DD won't cope with any last minute changes. That is the nature of autism - she will get incredibly anxious. So, if you really can't tolerate another Italian tonight, I understand, and we'll re-arrange for another night" to your friends and then take your DD to the restaurant by yourself tonight?

[RamonatheMisunderstood]

I don't think you are being UR but I do think you should have mentioned that your dd has autism in your OP.

I completely understand your need to plan and organise and prep your dd, and fully appreciate the stress that a last minute change could cause you and dd. It's hard for people who don't have experience of autism to maybe grasp, but for what it's worth I think you did the right thing with regards to planning for the meal out.

I guess maybe your friends don't fully realise the impact of the change. If you had all agreed you would be going to a Chinese restaurant in the first place you would have planned for that accordingly. Only you know if your dd would be able to cope with the change at such short notice. I don't understand why your friend went to an Italian place last night knowing tonight was already planned tbh.

I'd go along tonight, smile and be cheery, and next time maybe try and get a babysitter? Also - and this may be quite hard for you to do - I'd open up and explain to your friends just how difficult it can be coping with autism. I've found you have to really spell things out for people to understand fully.

Good luck with it all!

[FutTheShuckUp]

I think the thread title and the fact the op mentions nothing to do with her daughter having autism is in fact deliberately provocative.

[Viviennemary]

It was nice of them to invite your five year old along too. Your friends sound really nice and considerate. I'm afraid YABU in this case. It's a bit of a fsus about nothing.

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

I thought i had mentioned it somewhere in my above ramble, apologies. Even then, i still made it very clear she has serious anxiety issues.

I think because my friends only see her on her 'good days', they don't realise how much something like this will unsettle her. I'm not one for tippy-toeing around my child, but perhaps if they had suggested the Chinese restaurant earlier in the week (even early yesterday), i would have been able to get dd used to the new plans. We could have had a wee 'chinese buffet' night at home, to get her used to the various tastes/textures without causing a scene on the restaurant night. I've tried mentioning it to dd this morning and she's gotten really upset by it so I don't want to push the idea on her.

Sorry just trying to read the replies here.

I want to send them a polite email, but one which won't make them think i'm in a huff that they changed their plans, or me acting passive aggressive by wishing them a nice night.

I completely understand that people are entitled to change their plans spontaneously. But with dd, i don't have that luxury.

[MammaTJ]

I certainly guessed from the op that her DD has autism.

YANBU, but they probably need a reminder of why the preparations took place and why it is so hard to change at the last minute.

[DamnBamboo]

YABU

[BillyBanter]

I don't have a child at all but I'd still be fucked off with millions of emails to decide on somewhere followed by another million to change everything last minute because someone had Italian the night before. That sounds a lot more precious than your reasons for wanting to stick to the original plan.

Italians quite often eat Italian food twice in a row and seem to cope.

[BurberryQ]

what Rapunzelshairbrush said sounds quite good...

[FutTheShuckUp]

Sorry to be blunt but it's not about YOU or even your DD. It's unreasonable to make it so.

[Inertia]

The fact that you DD has autism is extremely relevant, and explains the degree to which you need to prepare her. For a NT child it would not be a big deal, but tbh I think your friends are being unreasonable as they'll know that DD cannot cope with last minute changes, and anyway it's a bit unfair to change just on the whim of one person.

I would say that you won't be able to make the Chinese but hope everyone has a lovely time and you'll catch up soon when you can get a babysitter , and just you and DD got to the Italian.

[ihearsounds]

Yanbu.

A lot of people don't fully understand the problems around autism and the anxiety and 'melt downs' that can come with changes. They don't realise that changes have to talked about in repetitive detail. They don't understand that someone with autism constantly wants to know about what they are doing now, next and later.

The one that went out last night should have mentioned something then to their parents about having Italian, knowing about tonights plans.

Only you know your daughter and how she reacts to different textures. Different pastas have different textures, and of course shapes. Which again, some won't realise the relevence of this. Not all Chinese resturants have 'English food', at least the ones local to me don't.

Email them back and say, sorry going to have to do a rain check. THe new plans won't work for your dd.

[Inertia]

BillyBanter- good point!

[ArabellaBeaumaris]

FFS why leave out such a crucial detail?

[Mumsyblouse]

Clearly they don't know that a child with autism can't cope with a last-minute change, the things they are suggesting all suggest they are thinking about nt or even no children at all (just eat ice-cream). It's just a mismatch of the Op and child's needs and having a girly night out. I just don't think this is an ideal situation for the OP and her child anyway tbh, I think a one to one, which you have chatted over the phone with the friend to let her know what your dd needs, would be much better- anything group like, with group emails isn't going to be sensitive enough.

And- they won't get it, they probably don't even have children, so how are they supposed to get it unless it is spelled out!

[FutTheShuckUp]

There are four other adults involved in this night out though. Autistic or not I'd be a bit miffed if what we ate or where we went was dictated purely because one of the group couldn't/wouldn't get a babysitter.

[AmberLeaf]

I guessed from your 'prep' that DD has autism.

Your friends are being unreasonable.

It's hard as lots of people just don't get how much this sort of thing would be a problem [My son is autistic too-he also wouldn't eat chinese food!]

I can see why you don't fancy going now.

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

No, none of them have children themselves. Or any real experience of children actually. No younger siblings/nephews/nieces/cousins and all work in childless environments, but they do love dd to pieces, which is another reason i feel massive guilt. But they just don't understand how something as simple as changing restaurant plans on the same day as the intended restaurant visit will unsettle her.

And unfortunately i can't get a babysitter. My mum's really the only babysitter i have, but she goes away most weekends nowadays with my dad.

And tbh, i've hardly seen dd all week due to work and uni, so i don't want to spend an evening away from her even if i could miraculously find a willing and cheap babysitter.

[Charlottehere]

You are a helicopter. Yalu of course.

[Charlottehere]

Yabu

[SilverApples]

I'd do a raincheck too.
One of the lovely things about Aspie DS being a teenager, with his mates is that he can do all his weird stuff and they don't care, it doesn't register as an issue or a problem with them. They like him as he is.
He has many similar issues with food, when they last went out they decided on Chinese and he didn't like most of the stuff on the menu. So he ate 7 bowls of egg fried rice because that's what he liked, and none of them said a word or thought it was a problem.
I hope the future holds similar friendships for your DD.