My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

[HeadfirstForHalos]

And I know what I'd say to a "friend" who told me I was making a mountain out of a molehill about something relating to my child's special needs.

[Lazyjaney]

A group of child-free friends changing something at the last minute is quite common in my experience. i found when my kids started arriving it got harder and harder to socialize with people who didn't have kids, for all the reasons upthread.

But I wouldn't take a 5yo to a girls' night out anyway, even if they had kids, certainly not if none of them have kids.

IMO its good for the soul to keep up with adult friends when you have small kids, and you probably need to find a babysitter you like.

[NoComet]

A Chinese that doesn't do chips or something similar would have been impossible with DD2 until she was way older than 5, it is not a good choice.

[nkf]

I imagine it's harder to find a babysitter when your child has special needs. What are you going to do?

[MidniteScribbler]

I think the difficulty here is that this was supposed to be "girls night out", then one person said they couldn't get a babysitter, and the rest, very kindly, said just bring her along. The rest of the attendees will be thinking about their "girls night out" still, and not thinking about the needs of a 5 year old with autism. In their minds, they were doing the OP a favour by "letting" her bring her child and not miss out on the night. Now, to some of them, it seems that their night is catering to a 5 year old girl. The needs of young children with autism will rarely mesh with the wants of young adults with no children and no experience of special needs. I think a polite email saying that you'll give the night a miss (and do explain why) is fair, and then see what their response is.

[SuperiorCat]

SilverApples

"Having a child with a disability is one of the clearest and most uncompromising ways of telling your fair-weather casuals from your true friends.
It sifts the wheat from the chaff ruthlessly."

This is one of the saddest, yet truest things I have experienced as a parent of a child with SNs.

[AmberLeaf]

IMO its good for the soul to keep up with adult friends when you have small kids, and you probably need to find a babysitter you like

It is, thats true. It is however very hard to find a babysitter when you have a child with autism.

[Bearbehind]

I can understand the need for preparation in the OP's situation, but is it really ever a good idea to go to the extent of looking at photos of the restaurant and chosing the meal in advance.

Would it not be wiser to be more general with things?

What if the photos on the website were out if date and it had been redecorated?

Before now, I have looked at a menu on a restaurant website, only to find it had been updated when i visited.

What if it was something as simple as they had run out of whatever your daughter wanted so it was off the menu in the night.

That level of preparation seems to be increasing the potential for a meltdown not reducing it. wouldn't a more generic level of detail allow more flexibility?

[nkf]

Most people wouldn't bring a five year to a girl's night out though. I don't think anyone is being unreasonable. It's just a clash of wishes and needs. A last minute change around is easy peasy for most adults. And it's probably true that they would prefer it without a child in tow. Hard to know what to do for the best. The thing is you've made your point, got the arrangement back to the original one. But, you want them to be happy about it too so you don't feel guilty. I can see why it's become uncomfortable.

[MidniteScribbler]

I think it is unfair of your friends to expect a young child to want to eat anything from a Chinese Restaurant so I understand your displeasure about that.

WTF? What do you think children in China eat?

20 month old DS will eat Chinese, Korean (the spicy tofu hot pot is his favourite), Japanese, Moroccan, Indian, Portuguese, Spanish, Italian, French, and wherever else I've taken him. He's already wanting to eat using chopsticks. This is a child born and raised in Australia, no asian ties in the family. He eats whatever I eat.

Why on earth wouldn't a child want to eat Chinese (special needs aside of course)?

[AmberLeaf]

That level of preparation seems to be increasing the potential for a meltdown not reducing it. wouldn't a more generic level of detail allow more flexibility?

Not if the child needs rigidity. which is common in autism.

I think people need to take 'our' word for it that 'we' know what works best. If there were an easier way, you can bet that that is what 'we' would be doing.

[Bearbehind]

I take your point amber I don't doubt that anyone would want to avoid making make their lives harder than necessary, but, if that level if detail was required and if any deviation would cause a meltdown, would you still be taking your child on a girls night out?

[HeySoulSister]

Have your friends actually said that they think you are being unreasonable op??

[HeySoulSister]

Or are you imagining it?

[AmberLeaf]

Me personally? no I wouldn't, think I'm a bit further along my autism 'journey' than the OP though, but I do remember the days when I tried to live a normal life and still attempted to socialise in a regular way.

But at the stage the OP is at, she is not wrong to try and see what her DD can cope with, trial and error is the only way she will find out. with support she may find a suitable medium.

I really feel for the OP, because this is one of the most depressing aspects of this situation. The realisation that things you once took for granted can require military precision, or just can't be done anymore.

[HotCrossPun]

OP I remember your 'yellow band, red band' party thread.

This is similar in that you need to try to worry less about what others are thinking about you.

That is a lot easier said than done. Your friends have agreed to stick to the original plan. Don't worry about their being an atmosphere, or if they are pissed off etc. You have done all the prep with your DD and it sounds as if she is looking forward to it.

Don't stress beforehand and don't overthink it. Just go along and enjoy a big pizza and a few

[TheBigJessie]

I thought autism was obvious from the OP, and I was shocked that other people weren't realising on page 1.

YANBU, and I think that "I had Italian last night, so let's cancel our plans for tonight" woman is pretty selfish. Does she think the world revolves around her?

BillyBanter put it best.

I don't have a child at all but I'd still be fucked off with millions of emails to decide on somewhere followed by another million to change everything last minute because someone had Italian the night before. That sounds a lot more precious than your reasons for wanting to stick to the original plan.

Italians quite often eat Italian food twice in a row and seem to cope.

[claudedebussy]

damned if you do and damned if you don't i think.

the reality is your friends don't get the situation with your dd.

i don't know what i'd do in your shoes. i also wouldn't feel like going.

i'd probably send an email saying that i felt i'd ruined the evening. that due to dd's autism she really can't handle change and that you now feel that it's better if they go to the chinese rather than go to the italian on sufferance. you just won't be able to enjoy yourself.

and in future, get a babysitter for these evenings or they come to you. then this situation won't arise again.

hind sight eh?

[Bearbehind]

I do totally see what you are saying amber but I just got the impression the OP hasn't tried eating in a restaurant with her daughter before (from the bits about how to behave and what she could do while they ate) and that actually she might cope better than expected, but now that she has such a clear vision of what should be happening, no deviation from that plan is possible.

Completely accept I might be talking out if my arse as i have no experience with autism but I'd be unhappy if I had picked my meal from a menu then the venue changed, let alone a 5 year old girl with autism.

[CupOCoffee]

I agree with thebigjessie. There's been some ridiculous and ignorant posts on this thread.

[AmberLeaf]

I can see why you see it that way bear, really I do. But I would take the OPs lead that she knows what sort of 'prep' her DD would need in a new situation from her experience on such things so far.

she said in her OP;

She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious

So it isn't that she hasn't been to a restaurant before, but that from experience a level of prep is necessary.

[MrRected]

Take a packed tea with you. If she won't have anything off the menu the. At least she has something to eat. She could then order desert from the menu.

You have totally over thought this - it was supposed to be a bit of fun not a rigid meal catering first and foremost for your DD. Relax a bit.

[MrRected]

Oh I see SN was drip fed into the equation. In that case OP you aren't being unreasonable about the meal.

In future you should be clearer when AIBUing, to ensure you get appropriate responses.

[Bearbehind]

Sorry, I meant to say 'never eaten out in a group like this in a restaurant' but I do see what you mean.

It's just a situation where the people involved have differing needs and no one is really BU.

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

It's been mentioned again and again. The OP didn't mean to drip feed, arrgh!