My friends think I'm BU in asking them to change our restaurant plans for my DD

[EweHaveGoatToBeKiddin]

Last week my 4 friends and I arranged to go out for dinner tonight. Not for anything special, just because we haven't see each other in ages and fancied a catch up.

I told them that i wouldn't be able to get a babysitter and they said that they expected and wanted me to bring 5yo dd along as they were missing her too.

Anyway, we emailed each other links to various local restaurants so we could check out prices and menus. We all agreed on an Italian place.

So i printed off the menu a few days ago and have been going over it with dd. I've let her pick her meal in advance and we've 'practiced' how to behave in the restaurant and I've shown her pictures of it online. We've also discussed things she can do while waiting for the food being served such as taking a colouring book or reading book. She's been to restaurants before and loves doing her little script of saying hello and ordering from the waiter/waitress. But because this is a new place, i wanted her to be prepared to prevent her getting too anxious.

Anyway, all was going well until this morning when i awoke to another group email. One of my friends have said that she was at an Italian restaurant last night with her parents and can't really face another Italian meal. Another friend chipped in with 'Yeah, i feel the same. TBH i'm not really into pizza and pasta anyway. How about a Chinese place?'

So then a dozen other emails followed containing various links for local Chinese places. By the time i'd managed to compose a polite email, everyone was pretty much set on a certain Chinese place.

I'd had a look on the website, and tbh there's nothing there that dd would eat. She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. And I'm not really keen on anything there either, but would have put up with it if dd wasn't involved too.

Anyway, i sent them a message explaining that i felt it was a bit short notice to be changing plans. DD was already prepared for the Italian place, had selected her meal, had been going on about it for days, had already seen all the pictures of the restaurant's interior. And that she wouldn't eat anything from there anyway.

They came back with the following responses:

"Feed her before she comes then just get her an ice cream or something while we're all eating."

My response to this: "But she was really looking forward to eating out with us, and tbh i don't think i can make ice cream last 2 hours."

"If she gets a bit antsy, we don't mind."

"It's not just a case of her getting 'antsy', it's the fact I'm going to be changing her plans with only a half day's notice, and all that preparation I'd done last week was for nothing. She will be incredibly anxious and upset for the whole meal."

"Bring her a toy to stop her getting bored."

"She can't play with toys alone. And she's already picked a colouring book to bring, but I don't think that will keep her calm and amused for 2 hours."

"Fine. We'll just go the Italian place."

This is then followed by a few 'pffffts' and eye roll smilies.

I feel horrid and guilty. Tbh i want to send them an email just saying that I'd rather they all went to their Chinese place and we could rearrange a group meal for another time. but if i do, it'll just be met with passive aggressive. "Don't be silly, we wouldn't dream of it' etc etc.

I actually don't want to go at all now. Or I'd rather just me and dd head out for a meal. if i do go, the whole atmosphere will be off and it will be like i dragged them all along. And when it comes to ordering, they will probably huff and puff about it because they've openly said they don't want to eat anything from there.

I genuinely don't know who's being unreasonable here. the fact I'm feeling so guilty about it makes me think that I'm the one in the wrong, but then again i feel guilty about everything.

Completely understand need to prepare autistic spectrum child for eating out in restaurant and last minute changes can wreak havoc with their coping with a situation. Also completely understand why parent of autistic spectrum child would feel anxious about an evening outing with childless friends with said child.

I think your real mates will understand and the others don't matter!

Sad thing is, this is actually the most understanding mainstream site I know of- and people still can't be bothered to think before they put the boot in.

L33t soziel skilz there.

Silver

I know it's not the topic but how can anyone not find something to like at a Chinese particularly since most have an 'English'section ie omelette and chips, chicken, gravy and chips.

I've read the whole thread (do I get a special badge? ) and I don't think YABU at all. Your friends sound like inconsiderate bastards tbh. What is worse, having to, God forbid, eat Italian food twice in a row, or upsetting an autistic 5 year old? You need new friends.

P.s. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job with your DD .

Agree it wasn't the worst drip feeding ever. I've seen far far worse. But this is AIBU and the post subject line and first post did read like, Wah, my pfb is being sidelined." I picked up on the detaileed preparation and thought it sounded like something else was going on. But, like I said, this is AIBU and usually on AIBU, people are being really unreasonable. If you really want tips on how to manage a tricky situation, AIBU isn't the place. I imagine most people read, post and settle down to enjoy a bunfight.

From the OP:
" She doesn't like things with batter, not much of a meat eater, doesn't like spicy things, doesn't like chips, doesn't like rice, noodles or curries etc. "

We're not expected to read all of a OP before we pitch in with our judgy pants on are we?

I thought you could just read the thread title, a couple of lines and then allow everyone to be enlightened by our uninformed opinion.

Ahh, i symapthise OP. Us childless don't always understand i'm afraid, we are just used to pleasing ourselves. Last weekend we met for lunch with a couple with kids and they were like 'we can't go here, we can't go there, can we book here?'. i was like, it's lunch, just chill, but i guess its not so easy with children. I'm sure your friends are just oblivious to the extra demands of children in general, and when you add ASD to that too, it becomes even more difficult. People can understand in principle, but not what that actually involves in reality, such as the menu checks, familiarity etc.

Is it too late to suggest they come to yours and have a chinese takeaway?

To be honest, even if it were just a group of adults I would still find all that email shit irritating. Nobody bloody sticks to anything any more, I hate email and text. In the old days you had to just turn up where you had agreed unless you went down the road to the phone box well in advance to rearrange.

(old gimmer)

Sauvignon What, you mean that you can't just assume autistic children eat chips like everyone else?

DS hates chips.
I used to weep in frustration at having two children who couldn't cope with fast food of any variety. It's a travel survival skill and would have come in very handy at times.
No chips
No burgers
No pizzas
get the picture?

muminthecity P.S. You get an air YANBU badge- if you have an air guitar in the house, you will find they match perfectly. All the rage this season!

Did yon friends reply, OP?

With a kid on the spectrum you DO have to do this prep. It's all very well saying they don't mind if she gets ansty but it's not very pleasant for yo or her. Negative experiences means she will be less inclined/more anxious at the next restaurant attempt. It has to be like a military manoeuvre.

People say they understand but unless they are living it, they don't really know.

YANBU but also you have to realise most folk don't really 'get' autism like you do.

Frankly I'd be tempted to find a sitter and go out without her. It's a hard flog with SN kids. You probably deserve a night out.

*slog.

I do hope they're all in the Italian.
It's hard for people with no understanding of ASD to understand how those of us with children with ASD have to do things differently.

My goddaughter is autistic and eating out is always a challenge eating out with others even trickier.

My friend does a trial run at the restaurant. She rings the restaurant in advance and explains about her DD and possible stress reactions. So staff don't panic or get annoyed. She found her local family run Italian the best place and the staff are great with her DD they always get the same table and if the menu changes they will still cook her favourite. It means she never arrives and the "safe" isn't available. They also warn her if they have a party table in.

With friends she's blunt if her DD is invited then we go to the Italian. Most people don't understand the need to not change plans unless absolutely unavoidable. Just be honest

I'm curious to know what the OP was going to order for her DC at the Italian if she eats none of the above.

I think if you're going to weigh in with a very forthright opinion on a long thread - the least you can do is to read the OP's posts which is easy enough to do as they're highlighted.

A perfect response OP.

FWIW, my NT 4 year old is a fussy bugger when it comes to food and wouldn't eat anything on a Chinese menu, including chips. But he's pretty good with pasta. I'd have been peed off about the change too!

'I'm curious to know what the OP was going to order for her DC at the Italian if she eats none of the above.'

In an Italian restaurant DS would order a Hawaiian (ham and pineapple) pizza with a glass of cold milk. Every single time.

My DS has Spaghetti Bolognese and diet coke. Every single time.