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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want yet another Xmas with my parents

16 replies

bellini1 · 27/09/2013 21:10

I'm 36 this nov and if I do Xmas at the parents that will bring my total of Christmas spent with mum and dad to.... 36! The situation is as follows: I'm an only child, live 4 hours away from parents, parents own a small business which means they can't come to me for Xmas as they have to open Boxing Day. I have a 2 year old and a 3 week old who my parents adore. My dh has recently left the forces so we are now living in our (first) own house and we really want to have our first Xmas in our own home . I'm close to my parents and I love them dearly but I do get very annoyed and embrassed at Xmas as my dad gets pretty drunk and they are both totally knackered due to their business which makes them unbearable at times.

I think mum will get my logic if wanting my own Xmas but I think dad will be offended . How do I get out of it and am i being a bag humbug cow?

OP posts:

Original poster

bellini1 · 27/09/2013 21:11

Bah humbug not bag humbug !

OP posts:

JoinYourPlayfellows · 27/09/2013 21:13

You are 35 years of age! You have your own home and your own family. :)

If you want to stay at home for Christmas, that's up to you.

Just tell them you guys have plans for your own Christmas at home this year, but that you'll see them over the festive season.

Where did they spend Christmas at 36?

Donkeyok · 27/09/2013 21:18

Your dc are at such a lovely age where making a lovely Christmas for you 4 will be very special. You are starting your own Christmas traditions now. See them boxing day ohh and let them cook.

Bringmewineandcake · 27/09/2013 21:32

I'm sure they won't begrudge you wanting to spend Christmas in your new family home, in spite of any disappointment they might have. Could you get together at theirs on 23rd/24th instead?

CaptainSweatPants · 27/09/2013 21:34

Yanbu
The 21st & 22nd is the weekend before so go then?

avolt · 27/09/2013 22:02

No, you need to set the way things are going forward.

I bet they didn't spend every xmas with their parents at the age of 35.

Explain that the dc need to be at home, setting the scene for Santa, opening their presents. Maybe you could do alternate xmas with them or once every few years. Offer to go up the weekend before or for New Year instead.

happyhorse · 27/09/2013 22:10

I spent my first Christmas Day without my parents at 30, because I just needed to do something different for once. My dad was offended but he got over it. Yours will too.

ShowOfHands · 27/09/2013 22:14

If you don't want to go, then explain why and see if there is an alternative. Have 'another' Christmas on a different day with them. Christmas should be a celebration. It isn't a chore.

I always spend Christmas lunch/afternoon/early evening with my parents however (plus grandma, my aunt, brother, nieces, dh, dc) and to me, that's a lot of what Christmas is about. But that makes me happy. If your arrangement isn't making you happy, tweak it.

CooEeeEldridge · 27/09/2013 22:18

In a similar situation, so difficult being an only child (I am too-my parents have literally no one else). I always thought when you had kids though it was easier to do your own thing? Easy for me to say I know! Resigned to another one seperate from boyfriend (also an only) this year...

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2013 22:37

I would be upset if I were in their shoes but I still think you should do it.
You deserve a chance to spend Christmas in your own home.

Make a point of having a special visit beforehand.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/09/2013 23:04

"parents own a small business which means they can't come to me for Xmas as they have to open Boxing Day."
Why do they HAVE to? If it is their business, surely that means they are CHOOSING to?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/09/2013 23:34

"You know I love you both dearly, but this year we have decided to have our Christmas here in our own home. You would be more than welcome to join us for any of the time you can, and we would love to see you"
Then just do it.

TartanRug · 28/09/2013 07:42

^^^

This is perfect.

Original poster

bellini1 · 28/09/2013 07:44

I think when they were my age they were living overseas so thousands of miles from their parents! The business is a shop with papers , post office and lottery so they can't close it when they want as they have to trade . However seeing all your comments has really made me feel more confident about speaking to them and that im not a heartless cow. I definitely think spending time with them the weekend before or Boxing Day is a good idea. Wish me luck . ( hoping its really bad weather so I have an excuse to not drive)

OP posts:

Editededition · 28/09/2013 07:59

A mum & granny, here, who has spent most Christmas days with my DCs until fairly recently. It has been hard to adapt, as each has achieved festive independence!!
BUT ...its a parental issue , not yours. In just the same way that they learned to cope when you went off to uni, they will learn to cope with this and agree that it is right for you to enjoy Christmas in your own home, with your children, this year ...and in the years to come.

Pom has given a perfect way to phrase it ..... and I might also suggest that you could consider spending New Year with them.
If they really want to be with you, then they could travel on Christmas Eve and head back on Christmas night. I have done that, in order to be with one set at Christmas and the other on Boxing Day.......if it is all about seeing you and being with GCs on the day, then they will be happy to do the travelling.

Have your first perfect family Christmas, with your own new traditions - just be understanding of parents who are handing over the 'flag' they have carried for decades. Realising that it is time to take the backseat can be difficult.

isoldeone · 28/09/2013 08:00

I get this I'm an only I one- last Christmas I was heavily pregnant with a 3 year old . Although renting a new house after many Christmas's alternated at my parents / ils I really wanted a Christmas Day just us in pjs , no formality and maybe a Chinese takeaway. No travelling up motorways etc . My parents agreed at first and my ils were sad as " it was their turn" My sil therefore hosting two Xmas in a row for her parents ( again starter family - same situation probably - dont know I'm guessing)
Then my mum changed her mind about 10 mins later, all sad about not seeing Ds1 so they came for 3 days and my show Did everything ( which meant as usual he didnt get to relax) and made it a nice Christmas.

I just had to push my feelings aside it wasn't worth the fall out .
It wasn't the Christmas I'd liked but I wasn't to know at the time it would be the last time is see my dad so it's a good thing ... However that doesn't mean you should plan Xmas as if parents might pass away !!!

What I'm trying to say is sometimes the family thing just comes first . The MN tradition thing is a lovely idea but not practical for some modern families living apart with older parents .
This year I've already agreed we will go to ils as my dh is not sentimental about own house Christmas , wants to please his mum for a change . He has done so so much for "my "family . My mum will probably be invited to my ils and I will fantasise guiltily about a Christmas just en famille and hit the gin!!!!!

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