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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU over my friend?

16 replies

Latesummersunshine · 27/09/2013 14:54

I have posted in Relationships in the past about a friend who used to be one if not my 'best friend' and who I think has not made as much effort for some time- years. I've detached myself a bit lately because I felt I was being reliable and she wasn't. It's worth pointing out that I have far more responsibilities than she has or had- she has no kids, no job whereas I have both.

She called me 2 days ago- 2 hours after my DH's mum had died rather suddenly. My friend and DH were quite close so she was shocked.
She promised to call later- meaning I assumed when she got home an hour later off the train.

She didn't. She didn't call that day at all but did call late last night. We didn't pick up- it had been a long and tiring day trying to do all the arranging of the funeral ( all left to DH) and we were having a quiet time for an hour. She left a message saying she thought we must be away now and would catch me whenever.....I felt that she was putting the ball in my court.

In isolation this doesn't seem much but it's just another example of her being what I'd think was thoughtless. I won't go into detail but I know what's going on in her life and there would've been nothing to have kept her away from phoning for 36 hours. But am I over-reacting?

OP posts:
RinseAndRepeat · 27/09/2013 15:00

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RinseAndRepeat · 27/09/2013 15:01

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thebody · 27/09/2013 15:02

yes she sounds selfish. she could have popped a note through your door/sent a card or at least text to say how sorry she was.

just keep your distance and concentrate on your own family.

sorry about your loss.

thebody · 27/09/2013 15:02

yes she sounds selfish. she could have popped a note through your door/sent a card or at least text to say how sorry she was.

just keep your distance and concentrate on your own family.

sorry about your loss.

emuloc · 27/09/2013 15:03

The Op said the friend had no kids or job.

Latesummersunshine · 27/09/2013 15:03

Yes I agree. But as I said , you for example have work and children and she doesn't. I suppose I look to my own reactions if roles were reversed and no matter how busy I could be, I'd find 10 mins to call someone. It's partly because of the whole history mind you, not just the past 2 days.

OP posts:
Latesummersunshine · 27/09/2013 15:07

I am comparing her to another good friend who called for a chat just at the moment DH walked in from work- having been phoned to say his mum had died. He needed a hug of course, so I had a very quick word with friend B, and said I'd call her when I could. She sent me a text with condolences and then I called her the next day.
I suppose with friend A she knew I'd be at home all day but chose to call late in the evening when she must have realised that DH was home and my attentions would be on him.

OP posts:
ElizabethBathory · 27/09/2013 15:18

The thing is, she didn't necessarily mean 'later that day' when she said 'later'. As you've said you're not that close any more, maybe she decided to keep her distance and give you some space, rather than calling again knowing you're dealing with an extremely raw bereavement.

Latesummersunshine · 27/09/2013 15:29

I know. There are lots of ways of looking at this which is why I asked.
When she phoned me she was getting on a train and we got cut off once so she called again - she then said if we got cut off again she'd call me later. The train journey is 25 mins. I took that to mean that day not at the end of the next day.
I don't think she was giving me space.

OP posts:
Sallykitten · 27/09/2013 15:29

If I spoke to a friend and I discovered their MIL had literally just died in the preceding hours then I wouldn't phone back for a day or so because I would assume that they had more important things to do than chat.

ElizabethBathory · 27/09/2013 15:50

I don't want to sound harsh, but if this friend hasn't been making the effort for years and you think she's thoughtless, why is she still your friend at all?

allforoneandoneforall · 27/09/2013 15:55

I wouldn't make too much of it, she probably doesn't want to intrude on what is a sensitive upsetting time. It's hard to know what to say. She did call though, so don't hold that against her.

kali110 · 27/09/2013 16:49

She probably thought shed give you a bit of time alone to support your husband.

fabergeegg · 27/09/2013 22:57

I wouldn't read too much into that incident - not the loveliest friend but not necessarily awful.

southeastdweller · 27/09/2013 23:03

I agree with sally. I'd leave it a little while, a day or so.

You're overreacting a little.

NotYoMomma · 28/09/2013 10:10

she has made an effort and rang you twice while you are moaning how it isnt good enough.

ring ger back youself when you feel up to it Confused Wine

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