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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not disclose my sexual history?

134 replies

fll28 · 27/09/2013 06:12

I have never told my DH how many other people there were before him. He has asked a few times but I usually fob him off. AIBU? Have you shared all with your partner?

OP posts:
waltermittymissus · 27/09/2013 11:31

I also find it weird how many women seem to think it's some sort of badge of honour to bandy about how high their number is and how many randoms they've shagged for fun

But it's different for men, is it?

waterlego6064 · 27/09/2013 11:31

I just don't see how pride and 'respect for your body' come into the equation. Some people may choose to 'share' their body with others, for mutual enjoyment and fun; pride or shame need not be part of it at all.

GangstersLoveToDance · 27/09/2013 11:32

I've said 'women' because of the amount of posts on this thread...by women.

I would say the same of men. It's ick.

TurnipCake · 27/09/2013 11:32

It's none of anyone's business.

And I checked with a hand-mirror just now, but can't find my moral compass anywhere between my legs. Anyone who has should consult their GP :)

GangstersLoveToDance · 27/09/2013 11:35

Tbh i suppose it makes me cringe more when women wear it like a badge because it's always faintly reminiscent of Sex and the City and the whole 'wow, look how cool and brave and wild I am' attempted persona. It screams a bit of desperation to me, which is sad.

If you like to have multiple partners, why tell everyone anyway? Kind of unnecessary.

RinseAndRepeat · 27/09/2013 11:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waterlego6064 · 27/09/2013 11:44

What makes you think that people who have had multiple partners tell everybody about it? Some do, some don't.

I honestly don't think women who have had a lot of partners are doing so in order to emulate the characters in Sex and the City. What a strange theory.

Some women and some men like to have lots of sex with a variety of different people. It's really not any more complicated than that. I feel that you are imposing your own feelings about sex with multiple partners onto others. You find the thought distasteful, that's fine, you don't have to do it.

SoupDragon · 27/09/2013 11:47

Sometimes I just like to say "lady"

I just hear "I'm a Laaaaaydee" :o

GangstersLoveToDance · 27/09/2013 11:53

How exactly am I imposing my own theories?

These are just words...I'm not standing outside the GUM clinic with a placard encouraging chastity Hmm

Why is it fine for some to post that they've slept with xx men and love random sex with plenty of partners, with words such as 'Victorian' thrown in for anyone not of that mindset ...but not for anyone to say that they find that mindset distasteful and would prefer to be more select with who they share their body with?

Latara · 27/09/2013 11:59

I don't think you should have to tell your DP or anyone else the number if you don't want to.

BTW I went on a date recently and got questioned on: when I last had sex, when I last had a boyfriend and other personal stuff - nosy or what!
I didn't share the info and it was obvious he was only looking for an FB whereas I want a proper boyfriend.
I'm wondering now if I should've just had fun with him, but my self-esteem is a bit too low at the moment.

SoupDragon · 27/09/2013 12:00

Why is it fine for some to post that they've slept with xx men and love random sex with plenty of partners, with words such as 'Victorian' thrown in for anyone not of that mindset

It was me who threw the word Victorian in because the poster was making a huge negative judgement. Having differing opinions is fine.

As an aside, you'll note I've given nothing away about the number of sexual partners I've had, so you can't judge my comments on that.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 27/09/2013 12:01

Good grief Gangsters, DH and I have managed to stay married for over 20 years without discussing this. I am now heartbroken to discover this isnt a serious relationship!

Birdsgottafly · 27/09/2013 12:20

Gangsters, it has only been you putting a judgement on other people's behaviour. The fact that you use "mindset" again shows that you a type casting having multiple partners.

If my DH hadn't of died if cancer, we would be together into old age, again if my ex hadn't if been abusive, I would still want to be in a relationship.

I don't want a relationship, I am still recovering, as I was after my loss, I would like a sex life, though.

That doesn't mean I have any "mindset" it means I have a natural urge to meet, if I am dishonest in any way, or makes a choice that isn't in the best interests of my children, that shows what my morals are, not whether I have another person with me when I organism.

I would except a bad relationship ever again.

FWIW, the Victorians had lots of sex.

Latara · 27/09/2013 12:28

Haha the Victorians did have lots of sex; one of my ggfathers had 22 children by 2 different women! (sadly almost half died very young). The other Victorian ancestors had lots of children too.
So yes, Victorians had lots of sex and not much contraception.

ThisWayForCrazy · 27/09/2013 12:39

I've never asked my husband and he's never asked me. I don't care, as long as there are no hidden children and no stds! Could be 1000s for all I care.

ThisWayForCrazy · 27/09/2013 12:39

I've never asked my husband and he's never asked me. I don't care, as long as there are no hidden children and no stds! Could be 1000s for all I care.

Pendeen · 27/09/2013 12:43

This thread is depressing.

I should know by now from reading MN for a year or so and therefore not be surprised but I find some of the comments on here truly odd and in a couple of cases actually quite startling as well.

Some contributors have already asked (but then irritatingly gone on to offer their own answers) and I haven't read - or may have missed - a reply from the OP but, do you (OP) actually know why he is asking the question? To me this seems very important and if I were the one being asked it would be the first thing I would want to know before replying.

It may be that he cannot - or will not - articulate his reasons in any detail but some explanation is fundamental to this situation which has not only caused you concern but has also generated a great deal of opinion and criticism on here.

MissAntithetic · 27/09/2013 13:28

Dp and I haven't discussed the exact number. He knew me when I was younger so he knows I'm not a pure virgin. Likewise him.

We both had sexual health checks before throwing condoms away.

It doesn't bother me but its private information.

Mojavewonderer · 27/09/2013 13:48

It's got nothing to do with him so YANBU. He can ask but you don't have disclose unless you wanted to.
My husband told me pretty early on how many but I never asked an nor do I care. In fact I don't actually remember how many he said now but to be fair I haven't counted mine so I couldn't tell him even if I knew ;)

phantomnamechanger · 27/09/2013 14:12

Hmm, I do agree with what some of Gansgster is saying actually

because women are more liberated and people in general are more promiscuous than they used to be a couple of generations ago, there IS a tendency for some people to sneer at those who for whatever reason DO NOT choose the same lifestyle.

If neither partner is bothered about the past and they don't need to ask such a question, then fine, of course you can stay happily together for many years like this.

What I do find sad is that some people do want/need to have an idea about these things, but their partners/prospective partners have the "its none of your business" attitude - which is wrong IMO- a relationship should be based on honesty and openness - if someone wanted to know had you ever done drugs, had a driving fine, been in debt, then surely you would tell the truth? so why is there a problem discussing your past sexual history with someone you are in/about to begin a relationship with? I cannot imagine any question/topic that DH and I could not discuss honestly and openly.

Original poster
fll28 · 27/09/2013 14:42

Wow so many replies!

To answer some of the questions asked

I dont know why he is asking. I assume he is just curious rather than anything more. It is something that has come up maybe 3 times in 5 years so it is not something he is constantly going on about.

Im not worried about having anything I have been tested in the past and was all ok.

He has disclosed his number in the past and it was considerably lower than mine. That is part of the reason I havent wanted to say mine as I tend to agree with one of the posters that it can be an issue if his number is lower.

Maybe I would be more willing to share if it was a similar number to him. I dont really know

OP posts:
RinseAndRepeat · 27/09/2013 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
fll28 · 27/09/2013 15:00

And did he answer? Did he then ask you?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 27/09/2013 16:13

I think you should pay attention to your instinctive reluctance to not disclose information that might be used against you

What do you think to that ?

complexnumber · 27/09/2013 16:18

YANBU, but you can tell us.

We shan't judge at all.