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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to be suspicious about late night phone call?

56 replies

AlisonBurgers · 27/09/2013 00:45

I can't work out if I am being a paranoid idiot so need some opinions on what you would think/do if you were in my shoes...

After a argument via phone in which my boyfriend (of 8 years) said some hurtful things to me, he came over to apologise and stay the night. We were lying in bed when at 10pm his mobile started to ring. He practically leapt out of bed to turn it off. I asked him why he didn't answer it and he claimed he is constantly getting unsolicited calls from salespeople and the like. I'd seen the number on the screen and it was a mobile number i.e. no name attached to it.

I've got a niggling doubt about this as:

  1. He has kids and therefore never turns his phone off in case of some child-related emergency. In which case surely you'd answer an unexpected call?
  2. Do people really get calls like that so late in the evening? He showed me some PPI related text to prove his point - well yes I get texts like that but not late night phone calls so I didn't see how that helped explain things.
  3. He cheated on me in the early days of our relationship - I forgave him because we were going through a rocky patch, and I'm a bloody doormat

I wish I could talk it through with a friend but don't really want to sour their opinions of him if it's just a daft paranoia trip Sad

OP posts:
ShakeRattleNRoll · 27/09/2013 01:13

Oh dear thats not a nice situation and i hate to say this but I would listen to your instincts.It sounds like a load of old BS that he won't answer this call

NatashaBee · 27/09/2013 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AlfalfaMum · 27/09/2013 01:20

No, people don't get calls like that late at night.
The saying hurtful things, is that's new thing? Either way, it's shitty, but if it's a new thing then that would be another thing to be suspicious about. Suddenly being horrible, escalating arguments.. Hmm

Also, don't be a doormat!

fabergeegg · 27/09/2013 01:20

explain you're struggling with it and ask to call the number.

fabergeegg · 27/09/2013 01:20

if it was not suspicious surely he would have offered this?

AlfalfaMum · 27/09/2013 01:21

is that a new thing, that should have said.

BOF · 27/09/2013 01:21

I rather suspect he's talking shite, sorry. I get loads of spam calls, but never that late.

HooverFairy · 27/09/2013 01:31

Of course, he could be entirely innocent here but I know what my instincts would be telling me...

Be honest with yourself: you had an argument with him and he said hurtful things; did he instigate the argument? Did he overreact? Does he say hurtful things often or is it just when he is usually in the wrong? Often, when someone has done something wrong they defend themselves by attacking and turning things around to make you feel guilty. The next time it happens you have already convinced yourself that it was your fault the last time so you won't be accusing/upsetting/disagreeing again. In other words, emotional abuse. I realise your post was about the phonecall but this sounds like a familiar situation that I had for about 10 years of an 11 year relationship. It was your reference to the hurtful things he said that got me thinking.

Yes, a phonecall from a mobile number at that time of night is unusual unless you know the caller. But it's his behaviour which is ringing alarm bells for me. Your course of action depends entirely on the type of relationship you have. If he lies to you, he'll lie about this and (despite what most people think) will probably never admit to doing anything wrong. On the other hand, you could check his phone- but I truly believe that if you feel the need to do this to find the truth then you know in your heart that the relationship is in trouble. Once you've done this, I don't think you can go back. Checking the phone is confirmation, not the deal breaker.

Perhaps it's nothing, but perhaps it is. If he's acting shady about it then he's most likely hiding something. You seem to think this is a paranoia trip but why would you think that? When you react to suspicious behaviour, it's not paranoia but you've obviously been taught that it is, somewhere along the line.

FYI - if you go through his phone, check the contacts for anyone saved as 'withheld' or 'no number'. That gave me all the info I needed! But once you decide to go through the phone you decide that the relationship is finished, because trust has been broken.

Seriously OP, I hope this is just a misunderstanding, but you sound like you've had your self esteem battered.

Original poster
AlisonBurgers · 27/09/2013 01:54

Hmm my instinct is saying it's not right and it sounds like you all agree.

I'd like to have proof and at the time I wanted to grab his phone and call the number back - instead I stormed out of the room raging with anger.

The initial argument came after I'd spent a lovely weekend with an old friend. On getting back home he rang me with a monosyllabic "conversation", when I pressed him on what was wrong he said he thought we needed to talk as he'd had a great weekend without me and "didn't miss me at all".

I have to say I don't go off places for 48 hours expecting to be missed, but I definitely don't expect someone I'm in a relationship with to find it necessary to say that. This type of behaviour has been pretty typical whenever I have a nice time without him - I suppose it's weird jealousy/insecurity on his part.

OP posts:
MrsWilliamBodie · 27/09/2013 02:10

Don't you think you deserve better than this attention-seeking, potentially cheating, man-child? I think you do.

DaleyBump · 27/09/2013 02:22

I just want to say, I once got a phonecall from PPI people at half four in the morning. That said, the number was obviously a company and ended up being an Indian call centre.

Saying that, it does seem suspicious. Trust your gut. Best of luck to you, I do hope it's nothing.

ButterMyArse · 27/09/2013 02:38

What MrsWilliam said. The guy sounds like a tool. Does he have any redeeming features?

WhiteandGreen · 27/09/2013 02:43

Sounds to me like he's found someone else, but is dithering.

EBearhug · 27/09/2013 02:47

When I've had a PPI call, the number is usually listed online if you google - there are various lists of numbers marked as nuisance calls. Although if it isn't listed, that isn't proof it wasn't a PPI call.

AdoraBell · 27/09/2013 03:02

Even without the phone call I think you have a problem.

The "didn't miss you at all" comment after you had a nice weekend sounds like punishment to my mind. How daré you have a nice time without him? He'll show you, huh didn't miss you at all.

You say he has kids, do you know why the relationship with their mother didn't last?

Original poster
AlisonBurgers · 27/09/2013 03:23

Too much too young apparently AdoraBell. They can barely get through a child handover without it turning into a snide-fest now.

We've had some really good times over the past 8 years Butter, despite the above oddness he can be very kind and caring, which makes it difficult to end it all on a gut feeling.

I'd better get some sleep and try to work out what to do next.

Thanks for your help everyone.

OP posts:
BinarySolo · 27/09/2013 03:32

I think I'd dump him for the not missing you comment alone. What a complete turd. I know it's difficult to leave such a long term relationship but honestly, find someone who cherishes and values you.

I was with someone who treated me with indifference for 9 years. Best thing I ever did was leave.

MariaLuna · 27/09/2013 04:07

The fact that he jumped out of bed for that phone call would make me suspicious.

Have only had spam calls from India during the day.

Only an emergency would make you jump out of the bed in the night.

What is he not telling you?

Quite frankly, if I were laying my life down for a relationship with a man and he was acting like that, I would check his phone.

Not honest, I know, but then, this is your life and future.... sorry.

I have just dumped a relationship of 8 years. It was all screaming at me, but I had my fingers in my ears LaLaLa, don't want to hear, till I got wise....

Not saying that's you, just saying don't be a fool like me... Smile

Hope for you it's nothing... just, trust your instincts/intuition.

TheOrcHeadKeeper · 27/09/2013 06:23

What kind of partner tells you they didn't miss you Hmm That's pretty shit. And it sounds like he's met someone else. Sorry Thanks

Seriously, trust your gut. If he wouldn't offer up his call log to prove he's not lying I wouldn't waste another second.

Crowler · 27/09/2013 06:35

If someone is being cagey with their phone, that's a pretty good sign they're up to something.

StuntGirl · 27/09/2013 07:13

I have found gut instincts are not often wrong.

But forget the phone...his attitude towards you otherwise should be sending alarm bells ringing anyway. This is not a man who loves and cares for you.

ApplesinmyPocket · 27/09/2013 07:57

I'm all for having a go at making a relationship work if it's a question of a bit of give and take on both sides over minor issues - but "didn't miss you at all"? That is plain nasty, poor OP, I'm angry for you.

You can't waste any more of your precious life on a man who could speak to you like that. He should be making you feel loved, and wanted.

elcranko · 27/09/2013 09:37

The 'not missing you' thing is shitty. Why on earth would he say that to you unless he wanted to hurt you?
I've had spam calls from mobile numbers before, never late at night though as far as I can recall.

Calloh · 27/09/2013 10:05

He probably wanted to hurt you because he wanted you to be missing him or something and is feeling insecure. He called you because he wanted to hear that you'd been missing him. I don't know. It's not great behaviour and very mean to say he didn't miss you at all.

He should let you know the number and let you call. He shouldn't want you to feel suspicious. If my husband wanted to check a number once (I screwed up and cheated in the past long time ago)I would be horrified that he was feeling insecure and want him to reassure himself. Obviously I would not be alright with it if it happened constantly and he clearly has trouble believing me.

Say you are worried, you want reassurance, can he let you have the number to check, try and be near the phone at the time to stop him deleting call list.

I agree that PPI don't call late at night.

If it is an innocent phone call though I would forgive him. We all say dick like things sometimes and he did actually come over to apologise and make sure you are ok.

TheTruffleHunter · 27/09/2013 10:13

You've been dating for 8 years and living together doesn't even appear to be on the table... What do you really want from a relationship?

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