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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want ExH to have visits with DD in my home?

24 replies

DaisyDoodle · 26/09/2013 21:58

He's an alcoholic and moved (kicked out) he wants to have his visits with her in her home for continuity. he also wants me to leave once a week so her can visit her overnight, which I'm reluctant to agree to What's usually for divorcing parents? She's only 2 and really confused. I need a MN opinion!

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 26/09/2013 22:00

No way,that's a huge imposition and very much not the norm.

Will he remain sober for contact?

scallopsrgreat · 26/09/2013 22:02

He wants you to leave your house so he can visit overnight?????? An alcoholic??? Nay, nay yet thrice nay! And no you do not have to let him have his visits at your house. However if he is an alcoholic you may want to consider supervised visits.

I think he has/is continuing to do a number on you.

AngelsLieToKeepControl · 26/09/2013 22:02

Sounds to me like he wants to have a good nosey around your house while you aren't there.

I wouldn't do this, there will come a point where this won't be able to happen any more and it will be far more confusing for your dd when she is a bit older if contact arrangements have to change.

Is he still drinking?

MsVestibule · 26/09/2013 22:02

Visits to your house, for the sake of your daughter, maybe - do you think she would feel 'safer' if you were around? If not, maybe neutral territory, e.g. a grandparent's house?

As for overnight stays with you out of the way, no way, it's laughable that he would even ask!!!

RandomMess · 26/09/2013 22:03

Nope don't agree to it, far too confusing for everyone.

MrsMongoose · 26/09/2013 22:04

Hahahahaaaa no way in hell will you be leaving your own home!

CoconutRing · 26/09/2013 22:07

Fuck. No.

MikeOxard · 26/09/2013 22:08

No! I would not ever leave an alcoholic former partner free reign in my house! He needs to provide somewhere stable for contact. If that's your house then you are there too.

This idea is so bad, I wonder if he has even sobered up?

foslady · 26/09/2013 22:10

I hated coming home and finding the ex at home with dd only stood in the hall and been there 5 mins! No way full stop!!!

sparkle12mar08 · 26/09/2013 22:17

Bollocks to that! As he's an alcoholic I'd be pushing for supervised contact only, too.

Ursula8 · 26/09/2013 22:25

Absolutely not. This is not your problem. You are doing the right thing by encouraging access but that is as far as it goes. It is his responsibility to arrange a suitable venue for access and that should absolutely not be in your home. If anything this will confuse your DD more.
Overnight!!!!?????
Totally not. It sounds like he is used to moaning and getting his own way. Time for you to stand up for yourself and say no. Don't get sucked into explaining yourself. Just say no, that doesn't work for me. Repeat repeat repeat.

GoldenGytha · 26/09/2013 22:33

Definitely not!

It does sound as though he has bullied you, and used to getting his own way.

I would say supervised contact only, and no way do you leave your home, not for anything!

whois · 26/09/2013 22:36

Fuck that! Visits at grandparents or contact centre. No way should you leave the house.

AmberLeaf · 26/09/2013 22:37

No way. I wouldn't even do this if he wasn't an alcoholic.

Blurred boundaries galore. just not a good idea.

Beamur · 26/09/2013 22:37

YANBU. So not on.

SavoyCabbage · 26/09/2013 22:39

Continuity my eye. He wants to be in your house. Tell him to get lost.

Hissy · 26/09/2013 23:07

No overnights until he proves he's sober for a good year.

and no, you won't be leaving YOUR home to accommodate him.

He has to see what he did by choosing drink over his family. That he has to scrabble around.

Who the fuck does he think he is telling you to leave YOUR home?

mumofweeboys · 26/09/2013 23:11

Get a solicitor and get his contact visits at a centre

AnyFucker · 26/09/2013 23:12

Do not agree. He is one deluded fuckwit.

Jux · 26/09/2013 23:23

Madness. Children generally find contact in their own home very confusing. Has daddy gone? Does he live somewhere else? Maybe he'll stay this time, and everything will go back to normal. And so on.

Definitely do not allow him to stay the night there. Nor should you do the family meal thing on contact evenings. It might look like you're being nice, helpful, cooperative, but the signals are so mixed it's actually really unfair on everyone.

StuntGirl · 26/09/2013 23:27

Fuck no.
Solicitor.
Contact arranged at a neutral location.
Absolutely no overnights at your house.

Lweji · 26/09/2013 23:29

YANBU

He should get his own place for her to visit, assuming you allow unsupervised visits with an alcoholic.

attheendoftheday · 27/09/2013 11:18

Ha ha ha ha ha!

A joke right? What a chancer.

kinkyfuckery · 27/09/2013 11:20

You absolutely do not have to agree to visits in your home - because it's your home too, not just your DDs.
Where is he living? Is it suitable for her to visit there? Is there a relative or friend's house that he can have visitation in? Are you happy for him to have her whilst you are not there?
Is he taking steps towards overcoming his alcohol addiction? Has he admitted he has a problem?

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