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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask what you would do about this friendship?

25 replies

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 18:41

I am having some issues with my best friend, and I'm really not sure if I can carry on being friends with her or if it's time to end the friendship.

I have known her for about 3 years, have been close for 2. For the past 2 years she has been getting increasingly miserable to point where it seems as though this is what now makes her happy.

For the most part I have been sympathetic and comforted her when she was upset, offered advice and ways in which things could be made better.

Recently though I have started to loose patience with her as it seems that nothing I say makes any difference, and any advice I give falls on deaf ears.

Anytime I have seen her in the past 6months she has been crying about something. A lot of the problems stem from her relationship, which in my opinion is very unhealthy. She thinks they are in love and she is happy, but all she does is cry about the horrible things he has said or done. For context she is early twenties and this relationship has only been around 8months long.

I have tried comforting her, tried subtly hinting that his behaviour is not ok and that I would never put up with it, but nothing gets through.

During her last visit, I lost my patience and told her outright that it wasn't a happy relationship, he was making her miserable and that she would be better off without him.

Now I've been told by another friend that she has now told people that I am being mean to her and not being a good friend.

I am starting to think she likes the drama of the situation and enjoys having people feeling sorry for her.

I'm finding it all incredibly difficult to deal with, but am not sure if I am just being a horrible bitch, or if I am being reasonable to tell her the truth and consider ending the friendship if she won't make the effort to improve her situation and mood.

So please tell me, AIBU?

OP posts:

Bigbadgladioli · 25/09/2013 18:48

I think yanbu. But I don't know what you can do other than have some distance and see how things pan out. I sympathise.
She may be depressed. However if she's not taking any advice from you and you are just getting more and more drained I think you have to make like a bakery truck and haul your buns out of there.

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 18:51

Thanks Big I also think she has mild depression and have told her to go to the doctors for counselling, but she still hasn't done it.

I just don't know what else to do. She is talking to anyone and everyone about her problems, but not to a professional who could actually help her

OP posts:

TheOrginalPoster · 25/09/2013 18:52

I think there is a way of knowing the ones who love drama from the one's who are genuinely going through tough times.

To me the acid test is - do they care much about you back?

If she asks lots about you and helps you too, then I would but her in the later category.

So is everything all about her or does she offer back?

TheOrginalPoster · 25/09/2013 18:52

*but= put

Mabelface · 25/09/2013 18:53

Step back. You're not getting anything out of this friendship and I imagine that you find her very draining. I think you were absolutely right in what you said to her and it's up to her what she does now.

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 18:55

She helps me with childcare sometimes, but I have noticed recently we don't really talk about any problems I have and if I mention one she kind of just says 'sort it out' and I left there wondering why she can't take her own advice.

Also if I talk about my problems, it sometimes feels like its turning into a competition as she will start talking about hers and crying whereas I don't really cry.

OP posts:

WhoNickedMyName · 25/09/2013 18:55

Emotional vampire. When you put your foot down and it stops being all about her you won't see her for dust.

Bakingtins · 25/09/2013 18:55

make like a bakery truck

You said she's been a misery miserable for 2 yrs, long before this relationship came along. That suggests it goes deeper and she'd still be miserable if they split. Is your instinct that she's genuinely depressed or has she just found a way to get sympathy and attention?

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 18:56

I am completely drained Mad I have only recently started to feel happy within myself after leaving a very bad relationship and sometimes I'm scared that her constant negativity will push me back into depression

OP posts:

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 18:59

I think she may have a bit of depression, but I definitely think she likes the attention and people feeling sorry for her.

She tells literally everyone her problems, including those who don't know her, who are then made uncomfortable by what she tells them and her crying.

OP posts:

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 25/09/2013 19:03

I think you are right, she is wallowing in her misery and it sounds as if he is the root of it. could it be more? perhaps a real depressive illness? all you can do is tell her how unhappy she appears, that she should look for the reasons for this and seek help or get rid some people do dwell on things and enjoy the drama and sadly this becomes habit, I have a work colleague who constantly sighs and is miserable and negative all the time even when its good news

Bigbadgladioli · 25/09/2013 19:08

Yes, this sounds familiar. Battling your own problems but find that you are in competition if you look to her for support because obviously hers are 'far more important'. Crying trumps everything.

Well, a quiet withdrawal would be much nicer for both of you than ending up shouting 'Can you hear yourself!' at her on public transport before disappearing into the night, hopefully, never to see her again. Dignity always dignity.

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 19:09

I think you are right Step. It seems like every problem I give a solution for, the solution 'won't work'.

I literally don't know what else I can do right now.

OP posts:

GroupieGirl · 25/09/2013 19:13

Even if it is a genuine depression, sometimes for the sake of your own mental health you have to create some distance. It may sound cruel, but depressed people are sometimes completely incapable of seeing what effect they have on those around them.

On a separate note, you can't really 'tell' her what to do. It doesn't sound like she's looking for the constructive solutions you're trying to offer.

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 19:19

No, I think you're quite right Groupie, I think i'm wasting my breath.

OP posts:

shewhowines · 25/09/2013 19:30

Sometimes people don't want you to solve their problems men usually make this mistake . They just need a sounding board.

If you are getting something from this friendship, ie it is two way, then be there for her. It sounds though that she is always taking and never giving, in which case it is NBU to gradually distance yourself from her.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 25/09/2013 19:38

perhaps you just need to tell her as kindly as possible that her moods and negative attitude is bringing you down too and much as you want to be a friend to her you are struggling to stay positive around her and need a bit of distance, don't cut her out completely yet but limit time with her to when you are in a place to cope, try to stop offering solutions and do a lot more of the 'oh dear how awful for you... anyway on a cheerier note blah blah' to see if you can force her to be cheerier. worth a try, its a bit like kids, give them a receptive audience and the drama increases 'oh dear never mind' worked a treat on my two.

elcranko · 25/09/2013 19:38

I agree that if you're getting nothing from this friendship then maybe it's time to take a step back.

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 25/09/2013 19:42

I have tried the tactic of talking about other things, but she goes back to talking about her problems as soon as she can.

OP posts:

JohFlow · 25/09/2013 21:21

Ideally friendships will be mutually beneficial. I think you need to be clear with her about what you want from the friendship and see if she is able to hear you out without getting too defensive. I would then give her some space and see if she comes back to you. She may be in need because of negative mood or she may have some narcissistic traits. Depression can pass - but narcissism is much more difficult to have a balanced relationship through. You need to restore your energy at the moment and gives some space. It was selfish of her to approach your friends and I do think that you need to address that with her.

redexpat · 25/09/2013 21:23

Could you turn the question around so instead of saying you have this problem and you can do y or z, say what do you think you could do to improve the situation? It puts the emphasis on her to reflect, and the trouble with this sort of issue is that you can't do anything until the person involved realises that THEY need to do something. It doesn't sound as if she is ready to hear advice.

GoldenGytha · 25/09/2013 22:26

I knew someone like this, everything was always about her, and her problems, which were always so much more important than mine. I suffer from severe depression, and her support was "Get a job, and stop your whining, depression doesn't exist anyway, it's just an excuse for lazy buggers to do nothing and sit at home watching telly all day"

Prior to this, I had had years of her constant moaning about her family, her job, and everything else, and every possible solution was met with "No, can't do that, that won't work" The same thing over and over for about 20 years.

She was an emotional vampire, totally self centred, and she drained me.

I think you should end this "friendship" as it's so one sided, and if it wasn't for the relationship part, I'd think it was my former friend. This isn't a friendship, real friends care about you, and take time to listen, no matter what, your "friend" isn't doing this, she's just wearing you down and draining you.

maddening · 25/09/2013 22:31

like the emotional vampire phrase! She is definitely a bad weather friend - you won't miss her!

GoldenGytha · 25/09/2013 22:44

You certainly won't miss her as maddening says!

It is quite a feeling to be free of the constant moaning and demands for attention, my ex friend would phone and text me constantly, and if for some reason I didn't answer straightaway I used to get a barrage of texts and voice messages saying things like "Why are you not answering me, pick up your phone NOW, text me immediately, have I done something to you?!"

And I'm not speaking about days or even hours after a text or call, but immediately She'd go off on one if I didn't respond at once.

I used to shout at the phone "Leave me alone and give me peace, I don't want to be bothered with you"

It feels amazing to be free of all that now

Original poster

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 26/09/2013 09:44

Everything that is being said makes total sense. She doesn't want me to help solve her problems, she just wants to wallow in them and have me be sympathetic.

I really am quite confused as to why she spoke to this friend about it as she must have known he would come to me as we have been closer for longer. I'm actually wondering if she did it on purpose knowing he would tell me

I think the answer is going to be distance. I have a lot on my plate at the moment and have exhausted and emotionally drained from her last visit. It cannot carry on like this.

Thank you for your advice

OP posts:

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