AIBU to find it hard the DP works late so I have LO on my own so many hours a day?

[cherrylola]

My DP really is wonderful, helpful around the house etc if just a bit unsure what to do when LO (3 months) cries!

He leaves for work around 11am and doesn't get home till after 9.30pm. This of course means I am taking care of LO all day and night (BF and co-sleeping so no point DP having to wake). DP has LO for an hour or so before work so I can shower and have breakfast etc but other than that it is only really on weekends that they have much time together. LO is generally sleeping when DP gets home from work.

I know compared to many I have it easy having a DP that is so involved in housework etc but AIBU to be a bit fed up of the long work hours and being alone doing everything for LO so much?

I think I wish he was in a 9-5 job at the mo so we would all have evenings together. Which won't happen anytime soon.

My DH sometimes works up to 90 hours a week. DS is older now, so it's not a problem from that point of view - it was sometimes hard when DS was a baby though. The main thing that helped me was to make sure I got out every day - meeting friends for coffee, going to baby massage class, baby swimming, baby yoga (none of these activities were really for DS if I'm honest, they were just so that I saw and spoke to other people during the week!), mother and baby groups, or even just going for a long walk and to a cafe. Otherwise it's easy to feel isolated. I went back to work when DS was six months partly so that I saw people during the week!

But looking back it was such a short period of time - babyhood is gone in a flash, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. And before I knew it DS was off doing his own thing too.

It's hard, I understand. DH does long hours and sometimes travels for work so I have our 3 DC's 24/7. Sadly there's bugger all we can do about it apart from sucking it up and getting through it I think!
Be prepared to get a few 'be grateful you have a partner' type comments...

I remember finding it incredibly hard when the dc were younger...especially the newborn plus toddler stage. They are 3 and 5 now though and it' sooooo x 10000 much easier.

YANBU, but you are fortunate and it will pass.

I do what you do, but I also work evenings and nights because we can't survive on my partner's salary alone. Imagine that!

If he's leaving for work at 11am can he not do a good couple of hours in the morning rather than just one? I know he is working late and assume he stays up late so that he has an "evening" after work, but if he stays up until midnight, had eight hours of sleep then gets up he should be ready to take over by 9am, even with a very elaborate morning routine. Again, in his evenings if baby is awake or crying and it isn't a feeding issue, Thenl he could be stepping in to help at least some of the time.

I am in nearly exactly the same situation, except that our baby is 3wks old.

Dh gets up about 7 and does the changes, brings me breakfast in bed and hopefully I get two hours sleep before he goes to work.

Your message depresses me, I hoped it would get better as baby got bigger!

What time does your baby wake up? I think a couple of hours a day is a normal amount of time for a working parent to spend with a baby.

I actually think help in the morning is nicer than help in the evening, when dp works days he gets home at 5ish, ds sleeps at 6ish do-- they hardly get Amy time at all :(

Also I am just glad he has a job and that we lucky enough to have a healthy baby. Surely sleep is overrated ;)?

Thanks everyone, and yes I really know compared to lots of people I am very luck to have a DP. My main worry is really that LO and DP don't have much time together and DP is already saying things like 'he doesn't know who I an anymore' and LO is only 3 months.
I'll be going back to work at 6 months as we can't afford for me not to so know it will all be different again soon!
Thanks for the advice re: groups. Come to think of it the days I do something like this are easier, but get do eat into DP's time with LO as most groups etc here are in the morning

Sorry riskit! Perhaps I'm just having a grumpy few days!

If you are going back to work in a couple of months try to enjoy every day with your ds, it will go so fast!

Thanks fingerpicker. I would also be working if DPs hours weren't the way they are or someone to look after LO. I saved like a loon before LO was born to claw 6 months with him! I know I'm lucky really, just a bit worried for DP's sake I think!

coming from this as someone who has only ever been a single parent I do sort of find it hard to see the issue, however for you it clearly is one so my advice is, this is the situation you are in. feeling sorry for yourself wont change it or make it better, nor will it make you feel better about it. so what can YOU do to make yourself feel better about it? first of I would try and get a bit of perspective. 1) your DP is working full time (this is good btw-lots of people are struggling to get FT work ATM) 2) you aren't having to work so get to be at home with your baby and enjoy these lovely early months 3) your dp doesn't have to leave til 11am- that's quite good for you all if you ask me, he gets to do all the morning stuff you get to do the evening stuff. day time is yours as you are the SAHM (you could go back to work if you don't want to do this) 4) you have ONE healthy baby and all day everyday to spend with her (try having 2 under 3 on your own ALL the time and working), get out of the house and enjoy it, meet friends, go to baby groups, long walks, go to the parks. stop wasting this time pointing out what is bad about your situation (that really is NOT bad at all) and start enjoying it. you will regret it when she is older.

sorry, you have a son, not a daughter

Ok yes. IABU!
Thanks for all putting it into perspective! Grump over and never to be mentioned again!

Hi there. I get where you are coming from totally.
I used to count down the hours then minutes to DH coming home & taking over.

I think it's the loneliness that does it. My baby is now 8 months and I am going to start going to baby groups etc now just to get out. I found them utter torture with my 1st son. Nevertheless I went for his sake. Going to do it again but I am definitely more confident this time so being ignored won't bother me a shiny shite!

I'd have a coffee with you if we were near each other. [Brew]

My DH works shifts, one week 8.30-5 the other 11.30-8.30

Its hard, especially when DD1 starts having one of her legendary tantrums but we just get on with it.

btw, you don't HAVE to go to baby groups- they weren't really my thing either other than the first few sessions of BFing group. with a 3 month old you don't even have to do anything child oriented, go to the exhibition you've been wanting to see, museum, library (our do a children's story time on Wednesdays that might be quite nice just to sit with your baby and enjoy watching the other children react- you don't even have to talk to anyone as it's a library!) go for lunch with friends, parents, siblings? take a sling and have a really energetic walk on the beach or woods/hills/whatever is near you. join an exercise class, lots of women's classes run on weekday mornings in leisure centres and many have crèche facilities (but check qualifications and insurance as some aren't great)

Of course YANBU to find it hard. Perspective is a wonderful thing and always useful, but everything is relative. We can all look around us and find people who have it both easier and harder than us. Your problems are your problems, and therefore more significant because they affect you. In that context, it is perfectly reasonable to say "I am a new mum of a 3-month old DC and I am finding it hard because the days are long o my own and I don't see much of my DP because he works such long hours." I was a single mum of baby twins, and I still feel you're entitled to a whinge. The baby stage is hard.

I'd echo MummyCoolski's advice that if there is anyway your DP can rejig his clock so that he's home earlier in the evenings, it would be good for him to do so. Initially it may feel like you have to cope with more in the mornings (although you'll develop a workable routine in no time), but the payoff will be that DP can be involved in baby's bed-time routine and then you'll both have the evenings to reconnect as a couple. The days won't seem anywhere near as long and lonely.

My DH is out of the house 8.30 til 8ish most days so DS is well in bed before he gets home. In the early days, he would get up at 630 with baby and bring him back to me at 825, plus tea, so I always got a couple of hours uninterrupted sleep. You DP could do similar, can he get up at 730 or so with baby and bring him back to you at around 10? My DH used to go for a walk and they both loved it. You could all then have a nice brunch together before he goes to work. LO is a bit young for lots of things but soon there will be groups your DP can take him to in the morning, like rhyme time etc. tbh I'd prioritise sleep and alone time over baby groups at this stage, we always used to meet in the afternoon at each others houses.

You and me both. Dh works 12 hour days and looking after a lively 7 month old is tough. Today has been one of those long days where the hours are just dragging. I can however tell you that once lo gets a tiny bit older 4/5 months you will start to get/feel better. I speak from experience. Yes we are lucky to have partners and even luckier that those partners have jobs...it doesn't mean we don/aren't allowed to find things hard. having a new baby is hard work and having a partner doesn't/shouldn't take away from that. x

Yes. It's really hard. A lot of us have been there and we sympathize. I did find mother-and-baby group quite a help and a distraction, but some people just find it more work. Also I have to admit I let a lot of household chores slide in those early months, and yes I did lie down every single time the baby napped. I used to deliberately "forget" something essential for dinner so I'd have an excuse to put the baby in the pram and walk out for a litre of milk or something, just for a little distraction and human contact, every day around 530 p.m., which is rightly called the arsenic hour! Don't worry OP, it really does get easier. You get more confident as a parent and DC gets easier, even those scary stages people mention like the terrible twos are just not as hard as the first months. Three months is very soon after the birth.

I kind of understand what you mean, but really I would love to have DH work the hours your DP does! When DS1 was born, 8 days before Christmas, by EMCS, DH went back to work after 10 days. He was out of the house 8-8 most days, except for 2 days a week where he was out 5am-2am.

When DS2 was born, also by EMCS, DS1 was 2.3. DH was still working the same hours, but got to stay at home for 3 weeks as he was working at home for a while.

I am now 18 weeks pg with DC3, DSes are 4.9 & 2.5 & DH generally is supposed to be out of the house 8-8, but often isn't home till 9 or 10 & leaving as early as 6.30. Most weekends, he is currently out of the house at least one whole day, as he is renovating our new house ready for us to move into.

I definitely agree with getting out of the house, even if just to sit in a cafe, baby won't care where you are at this stage.

Op. I do understand. It is no good anyone comparing there situation to anyone else better or worse. They are your feelings.
You are allowed to feel tired, frustrated and annoyed. It's no ones fault, but caring for a baby makes you feel very down and irritable sometimes. It is a daily grind without support.' Dh often don't get it as generally when they have the babies it is for a short time, not day after day.
I agree that getting out helps a lot. Walks, baby groups, coffee, meeting with moms with babies. It helps lift your spirits. Hang in there.

YANBU. I'm in the same situation with my 2 month old. Yes you're fortunate for lots of reasons but that doesn't mean it isn't hard work.