To talk to FIL like he talks to ds?

[grottielottie]

Firstly PIL are generally great give lots of support are loving etc etc.

This said I'm having a problem with the way FIL interacts with DS which had gone beyond annoying for me to being a problem for DS who is 2.

He generally has the volume turned up to 11 and talks at least and octave higher than his normal voice. He talks constantly 10 to the dozen and very close to DSs face sort of looming over him.
This week they are down to help me as I'm 36 weeks pregnant and knackered but every day so far there have been major melt downs at lunch and nap time, DS seems stressed and agitated (he's normally calm placid and not prone to tantrums of this scale and regularity). If it were just that I found it annoying I could bite my lip and ignore but my son doesn't seem to enjoy it either but isn't old enough to say "back of grandad". To add insult to injury when it all gets to much and DS melts down they look at me like what's wrong with him, why is he doing that, what are you going to do about it.

Have tried to softly suggest he drop it down a notch but I'm getting nowhere so i'm getting tempted to copy him to make him see how ridiculous and over the top it all is. DH is completely with me on this but out at work all day so isn't around to say something as it happens himself.

'Get out of his face, FIL he does not like it'

My grandma used to do this, it wasn't until I'd said it about a hundred a few times did she actually get the message

I have to do it with my dc's grandparents they are so over the top so loud and just in his face all the time.

He was spending any time with them in bits sobbing because he was so over whelmed or trying to hide in my shoulder.

The only thing that works is actually saying 'notch it down and get out of his face'

Just be blunt - you are too loud and frightening DS, he's only 2.

You could try gently asking him:
"Are you having trouble hearing DS? I have noticed that you are speaking to him very loudly, and very close to his face and to be honest I think it is stressing him out a bit".

If his hearing is fine - then you have voiced your concerns in a way which will hopefully make him back off a bit, while looking concerned for FIL. If his hearing is going a bit - ie. If he genuinely thinks he is speaking at a normal decibel level then it's time for a hearing aid or dewaxing perhaps?

Thanks, glad to know I'm not on my own with this. Have tried " turn it down a notch or two" and similar without success think I need to get a bit more blunt.

I did wonder about the hearing thing, quite often it's like he is only on transmit. Just talks and talks without listening or receiving information, he retired two years ago and it seems to be more noticeable since then.

My MIL does this but hers is a hideous baby voice..."Whata dooooin' DD?" DD is NINE now MIL....NINE!!

I am quite blunt about this with my PIL. It doesn't feel nice, to be honest, because I know I am coming across as controlling and a bit precious. But they are very loud and shouty with my children, who are also 2 years old, always clapping, singing, shouting, cheering and generally trying to hype them up. They have another grandchild who loves this kind of playing and they don't seem to understand that my children are different. My husband and I both remind them constantly to back off, calm things down etc. I am probably less comfortable doing it than he is, but I do say things like "the noise is upsetting her, can we quiet things down" or "she doesn't like people getting close to her face, it makes her nervous". It's not always an easy thing to do, but it did get to the point where we realised that we were putting the PIL's feelings above the girls' feelings and were letting them stress the girls out to save embarrassing them.

For what it's worth, I am currently overdue and have grandparents around to help out until after the baby is born. We are also having major meltdowns, clingy behaviour and tantrums because I think the girls are overwhelmed by the changes going on. You could maybe try phrasing it in that way, that you are worried that your son is struggling to deal with the upheaval the baby is bringing and that he needs more quiet and nurturing treatment while he adjusts? That way you aren't accusing anyone but still getting the same result.

My FIL used to be like this with dd and couldn't understand why she screamed her head off as soon as he came near her. Once when he was round and dd was asleep dp and I started talking about a "friend" of ours that dd cried around and we said "I think its because he gets up in her face a lot and she doesn't like it." "Well it makes sense doesn't it? An adult wouldn't like it, it must be scary for a baby". Not sure if FIL saw straight through our subtle little act but he seemed to take the hint and never does it anymore.

FIL seems to think he is some kind of parenting expert so we knew if we actually spoke to him like a normal person and said "she doesn't like it, it scares her. STOP IT!" Then we would end up having to listen to one of his long rambling lectures about how he knows everything and we are both thicker than pig poop. Our way seemed to work because he didn't think we were telling him to do anything. So you could always give that a try.

Video him and show it back to illustrate your point.

The video is a good plan - if he is being really loud it will be obvious to him and he might back off of his own accord.

Snort at thicker than pig poop.

Poor FIL. He's doing his 'friendly talking to dcs voice'.

Bear in mind this is his version of making a big effort to bond with your ds. Be gentle when youtell him to turn down the volume.

I think some people just do not know how to talk to children.

I would definitely record him doing this, it's probably the only way he would understand your point.