To withdraw my 2 and a 1/2 year old so quickly from preschool?

[Lottystar]

I'm hoping some different opinions on my situation can give me some perspective on some problems I'm encountering with my 2 1/2 year old son 's new preschool. He started at this preschool about 2 months ago and goes 2 days a week primarily for socialisation purposes (with kids his own age) and so I can spend a little one to one time with my 18 month old who has never benefited from me having him all to myself. Anyway, first day was great, he went in as happy as can be. Second day onwards it's been a literal battle and emotional roller coaster culminating in him begging me not to leave him nag asking for reassurance everyday that he's not going to nursery. I've asked for reassurance of how he's settling after I've left him and they say he's wobbly for a while and has emotional moments during the day but otherwise okay. However, I've had to really push for this reassurance, he's so upset it's out of character. Or am I being an over emotional Mummy? My instinct tells me there is something not quite right, which is not helped by the fact the management and staff have such a laid back (bordering on disinterested attitude) and I feel like a nuisance wanting to try and manage him integrating. I asked them to reduce the full day to mornings only for a while and they became defensive saying I'd still have to pay full fees next month and they couldn't guarantee his future place if I wanted him there for a full day once he'd settled. Am I being unreasonable in my expectations? I'm used to dealing with a nursery rather than preschool so feel confused. This coupled with the fact that other local choices for preschool are very limited and that this preschool has such a good reputation with other Mums has me a bit stumped

Just because it has a good reputation doesn't mean it will suit all dc.
I have always gone with my gut reaction, I think you know these things.
Nobody knows your child better than you, but if it was me they'd be out immediately.
He is only little and it can't be the only pre school

Is the pre school an all day thing? If so it might just be too much too soon for him. Can you do something more sessional, eg 2 or 3 mornings a week? My DS1 goes to kindergarten 3 mornings a week 9-12, has done since he was just over 2 and loves it. Nice balance of social time for him but a bit of time for me to spend with just baby DS2. At that age I would want to be assured that the staff really cared (well at any age really) so if you are getting disinterested vibes then try something else.

I pulled out my ds from a reputable nursery because he wiuldn't settke after 2 nonths. My instincts told ne there was sonething wrong so I went with that. The nursery employed too many bored students & didnt know how to handle his additional needs. He is with a childminder now & has thrived so much, coukd you do a few nornings with a cm instead? A hone from home setting would probably suit him him better.

Thank you ladies ... I just needed a bit if reassurance I wasn't being an overwrought Mummy

It was for 9-3 for 2 days a week. I opted for a full day just because by the time I would walk there and back (40 mins roughly) for a morning session (9-12) it would hardly be worth it and also interrupt the younger one's nap time. Chaos all around although of course I'm more than happy to temporarily try this whilst he settled in but the preschool seem to be resisting this and saying he may lose his current days. I think they are just being a bit rigid and uncaring ...

I took my out of an outstanding nursery attached to an outstanding primary after six weeks as it was shit. She had just turned four. She just thought it had finished. Like a course of swimming lessons.

I'm going to definitely look into other childminders and options, it's more for him than me. I just want to make sure he can socialise and gets used to other care providers before school in a few years. I really researched the preschools prior to starting him at the one in question and rejected the other two available options due to distance and overcrowding.

If this is the first time he's gone to a care seeing outside the home it'snot surprising that he's taking some time to adjust, but that doesn't mean that it is the right place for him.

At my dd's pre school the greet her brightly and by name. All the staff are doing activities as the kids arrive so they can get stuck into something rather than left to cling. There is just something about the atmosphere, it is calm, welcoming, caring and interested.

If you get a guys sense then it might be worth persevering. If it seems like bored teenagers then maybe not.

"they became defensive saying I'd still have to pay full fees next month and they couldn't guarantee his future place if I wanted him there for a full day once he'd settled" - That all sounds perfectly reasonable. Of course they couldn't guarantee a space would still be there. They couldn't leave a slot empty and not making money just in case you felt like using it later.

DS1 was a total nightmare when I first sent him to nursery to socialise him. It took easily a month before he stopped kicking off. He was livid about losing my attention and didn't want to be there.

That was kind of the point of socialising . It did him good not to be Mr Centre Stage. I think you have to expect a bit of resistance while that lesson is being learned. It isn't necessarily sinister that it's out of character- it's a new situation so you will see a new response.

Sorry, but you can't expect the nursery to keep half-days empty for him unless you are happy to pay for them. They need to keep full to pay their wages. If they let someone else have those half days and then try to chuck them out again once you are ready- how does that work for the other family?

My friend's dd absolutely hated the pre-school and didn't settle at all. Was always screaming and had to be dragged in. She changed her to a different one and she was fine. I've no idea why - mine settled at the first one just fine.

I think there are also different personalities. Mine was desperate to get out and socialise, others are desperate to stay at home longer. I don't think it helps if they have a sibling who gets to stay at home. I did find that pre-school is a bit of a step up in that they do have to fend for themselves a bit and are not the centre of attention. It's good preparation for starting school when the staff ratio is significantly lower.

What would I do? I'd be reluctant to stop pre-school completely - otherwise it might be a nightmare trying to get them to start again in say 6 months' time. If it's not working, I'd try a different one.

I sometimes think the 2 days a week doesn't work so well. I know for mine, 4 mornings was better because she was there every day, friendships were easier to make and maintain and it became part of her normal routine. If they aren't prepared to do just mornings, perhaps another one will? She originally did two long days a week at nursery then we moved her to a pre-school with 4 mornings - in our case because I changed my working hours. She adapted really easily to the new environment. Personally I wouldn't be afraid to change something if it's not working.

YANBU

mine all started pre-school Montessori at 2.5 years, five mornings a week. They loved it. It was extremely structured but free ifysim. I would say there were wobbles of about five days, where we gradually increased the time they spent there from 1 to 3 hours. But they knew they were coming out at 12 am. I used to see the other children crying when the parents came to pick up - those were the children whose parents put them in till 3pm. I would find a pre-school which is morning or afternoon session only - it might suit your child better. I think children of that age thrive on routine and not knowing whether you are going to be at home with mummy or going to school that day is quite difficult for them.

I also know PLENTY of children who didnt start pre-school till they were 3 years and were absolutely socialised and enjoyed school when that started. It is not essential to start a 2.5 year old at nursery. Toddler groups and play groups do a lot of the socialising you need at that age. He probably learns as much from you as he can learn at nursery, certainly more speech related stuff from YOU.

I think the LO g day might be the problem here, I agree the three hours is pretty annoying but 9-3 is a long day for a little one in a pre-school setting (different from a nursery). How about trying shorter sessions? I know it's not long and it'll disrupt nap time but unfortunately these are the issues that come with kids. Ha my day goes 8.45 drop off big boy, 9.15 drop middle boy. Home with small boy. Pick up middle boy 12-15. Home for lunch. Pick up big boy 3.05. It's annoying but necessary.

*long

My DS went to the same nursery from 1-4.5. He cried every time. It was a fabulous nursery though, and the staff were amazing. He just didn't like being away from me for so long. I really regret letting it go on for so long.

I to think a full day is too long if he is not used to it.

I have just about finished settling DD (3 and a half) into preschool, afternoons only. Two weeks from start she has just started going for the whole afternoon. She still has lots of wobbles and doesn't want to go, and often has a wee cry in nursery but she is getting much better and enjoying it more than she doesn't.

Its true, I never did full days with mine in nursery at that age.

If preschool is too much, how about going to a nursery (or childminders). FWIW, DD is in full time nursery, and they don't go into the preschool side until 3. A nursery would be able to offer him to socialise (and be in the routine) of other younger toddlers.

My instinct tells me there is something not quite right

OP - go with your instinct and remove your son. His happiness matters, as you know

& the other posters on thread have given some helpful advice you could follow, too. Hope all goes well

Thank you all so much - I didn't think the preschool was unreasonable for not keeping the space open just a bit rigid and uncaring not to try and manage him settling a bit more by starting off with just morning session. The attitude was kinda "all or forget keeping your place". The deputy manager who I spoke to also has a terrible habit of looking away when I address her which I find rude and disconcerting as (a) I hardly get to talk to them as it's so busy but (b) I'd never try to do so whilst she was watching the children. It was at the end of the day. Lots of good advice and I feel happy to go with my instinct now, I just had a wobble that I was being too soft and emotional. It will be toddler groups and some research on a new preschool for mornings only to start xx

My LO is 2 in December. He goes to a childminder 3 days a week 7am - 5pm (work commitments). It took nearly a year to get him to settle in a morning without crying when I left. When I did, he would always stop when I had left his sight. I'm a teacher and I have this with 6 year olds often - they cry and hang onto mum's legs on morning entry but once through the door and out of their sight, they walk in on their own and stop crying!!
He is due to start pre-school at our local village school in January 2015 but I am only putting him in for 2 mornings/afternoons a week to begin with with an aim to increase his sessions as he turns 3 with a view to being five mornings/afternoons a week a couple of terms before he starts Reception.
Some children need a slow build up and I know of children who have begun school aged 4 and it has taken them TWO YEARS to finally enter school without tears. As long as you appear confident and give them a quick kiss/cuddle "See you at ... time" and then walk away actually gives them confidence. They see that you are so it can reassure them.
Good luck with finding another setting and definitely stick to toddler groups. Your 18 month old WILL get 1:1 time when your eldest starts school - hopefully!