to not want to be the "breadwinner"?

[evelyn1979]

My dh finally agreed to try for a baby this year and as part of the "negotiations" it was agreed that I would work and he would stay at home if and when we had a baby.

He is therefore now encouraging me to apply for better paid jobs and bring home more dosh. However I don't want to start a new job while ttc because I suffer greatly from anxiety and my current employers are supportive, and i couldn't guarantee this elsewhere. Because of anxiety i had to knock back a job with £15k pay rise and because of this I feel like I will never be a proper provider for my family. Also my dh is 20 years older so he will retire in 10 or so years time anyway.

aibu to not want the pressure of being the sole breadwinner? or is this the price of equality?

I can't imagine being with someone who says yes to things I suggested

Good God, what a depressing statement. You're about 34(?) the age I met my DH. Within 4 years, we had 2 DCs and got married. TBF, DC1 wasn't planned, but he has been very enthusiastic about the rest of it. The idea of having to persuade him to do any of the above would have crippled my self esteem. When did your anxiety issues start?

"i'm sure there would be something else wrong with the next dp"

Why?

I know lots of very good men who have nothing significant wrong with them and make great husbands/life partners.

Do not have a baby with this person. I would say in this situation you'd be better off as a SP.

everyone is jumping to a lot of conclusions about ops dh... why is so weird for one partner to say they will only have kids if they can stay home to look after them? or is it only weird because its the dh. maybe it is the most plausible option, not immediately but int he future? given where they each are in their careers?

with ds1 maybe not so much, but with ds2 it was apparent that if we wanted another baby, It was my job that would support us. And i had to go back to work when he was 4mo so the only way i could do that was dh leaving his job to stay home. it wasnt his first choice and it killed me. i was so jealous and yes i wished we weren't in that situation. but we were and had a roof over our heads and the kids looked after so... it was worth it. it was not remotely possible to support the 3 of us on dhs salary so it was that or not have a second child. no brainer.

"why is so weird for one partner to say they will only have kids if they can stay home to look after them?"

Do you really need to ask?

You don't know why it is weird (or utterly unacceptable) to blackmail someone who wants children into supporting you financially to stop working?

Deciding that one parent is going to give up work should ALWAYS be a JOINT decision.

i am just not getting the same tone from the op that the rest of you are. as if it isnt widespread that one partner has to persuade the other when to have kids or when to have a second, move house, change sofas, go shopping. i am not aware that most people are living these harmonious lives of happy joint desires acheived at precisely the right moment for both. usually joint decisions are arrived at after plenty of negotiation of both sides. so they are negotiating and op is working out what she wants. hardly calls for people to be calling him an old codger, telling her she'd be better off with someone else.. quite big assumptions based on a few lines.

Oh dear, you have to do these things as a couple . If you have to plead and negotiate like this he really isn't a man worth being with.

i think maybe there is a really positive great guy out there but dh has supported me a lot over the past 10 years and this is the only real issue. and it hinges on what what made sense on paper earlier is not necessarily what i feel might be for the best now.. it wasn't blackmail more "logic" - i.e. i could earn more.

anyways, it might all be academic really, we'll see...

It doesn't matter how much he has supported you, you don't OWE him staying together.

You don't owe him being the breadwinner while he takes early retirement at your expense.

If there is someone else who would make you happier and actually have some enthusiasm for the things that matter to you, you owe it to YOURSELF to end this marriage with this "logical" man.

(Isn't it funny how frequently "logical" men always seem to use logic in such a way that it supports them getting exactly what they want?)