Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think our daughter is more important than his hobby?

52 replies

JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 11:47

Dd had contact with her father this weekend. She's 6. He picked her up from school on friday and returned her yesterday but forgot to bring back her shoes, coat and reading book despite me texting him a list of items to return. She won't get to change her reading book today which isn't that much of a big deal, though she's disappointed and annoyed. Luckily I had spare shoes for her but no spare coat. We walk 2 miles to/from school and it was 11 degrees here this morning so chilly enough to need a coat. I managed to get us a lift this morning but can't any other day this week. I text him telling him he'd forgotten it and he offered to bring it back on Friday morning. I said its cold, she needs it, head teacher said all children must have a coat now etc and couldn't he bring it tonight? He said he's busy with his hobby tonight and the next few nights. AIBU to demand he misses his hobby and return her coat? I can't afford to buy another and can't get to his house to collect it.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 23/09/2013 12:27

Why can't he post it?

Mumsyblouse · 23/09/2013 12:27

He is a twat, no doubt. But I would get a back up for a coat- either a really cheap and cheerful one, or a mac and an extra jumper. Children often forget their coat from school, and when mine do this, they just have to run fast with their macs/jumpers on.

But- you can't have spare everything, and spare shoes will cost a lot, so you are right to bring this up with him. He needs to put everything she has on on Fri night in a big bag (perhaps give him one labelled 'X's school stuff') and then have it returned Sun.

But he is still a twat- no coat, no shoes, really stupid behaviour (but he won't change so do have a plan B).

Thewhingingdefective · 23/09/2013 12:34

So what is his really important hobby that makes it impossible to return his daughter's coat and shoes until the end of the week?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:37

He's playing table tennis Hmm

Ghoul - that would also require effort on his part. Plus she would still have no coat for tomorrow.

OP posts:
IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 12:37

Yes it is embarrassing but keep reminding yourself that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are no longer with this useless arse of a man.

I don't think you should be coming up with plans to avoid this in future, separate clothes, getting the school to not give her stuff on a Friday, because he doesn't get to just wash his hands of any responsibility. You shouldn't have to tie yourself up in knots trying to work around him and his uselessness.

Instead seeing as its not court ordered id knock it on the head. He's clearly not responsible enough to have her after school and it doesn't sound like she's happy about it anyway.

Its not so much that he forgot the coat, its his attitude afterwards.

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 12:39

What sort of job does he do or looking after her whilst she's with him?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:40

I agree, IShouldNotBeHere, that his attitude is the issue. Unfortunately if I stop it then he will be bleating on to dd about how they were going to fly to Disneyland for the weekend, but because mummy wouldn't him collect her from school they'll actually be doing bugger all.

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:41

A piss poor one. He supplies junk food and films and that's it for the weekend.

OP posts:
StuntGirl · 23/09/2013 12:48

What an absolute cock. There isn't even a shred of logic in his thought process. He needs to skip his hobby for one night and bring the coat. Perhaps it will teach him not to be such a forgetful twat in the future.

Who in their right mind leaves a child without a coat for school!

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 12:52

So he would lie and hurt your child and your relationship with her as a method of manipulation? Jesus Christ!

He sounds damaging to her. Fucking with her head and lying and things.

Is any of the contact court ordered?

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:52

Precisely, StuntGirl. He said I use any excuse to start an argument, I said I wouldn't have an 'excuse' if he'd remembered it and that I'm not starting an argument, just reminding him where his priorities should lie. He forgot it = he returns it. Simple!

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:54

No, none court ordered. But his games don't warrant stopping contact according to the courts, unfortunately.

OP posts:
Gracie990 · 23/09/2013 12:55

He can bring it after his hobby time.
He's a twat, really it's not that hard is it.

teenagetantrums · 23/09/2013 12:59

get him to post it be here tomorrow.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 12:59

His hobby won't finish til 11pm apparently Hmm so 'I can choose to wait up til midnight' (and have him wake the kids when he has a go at me about bringing it over no doubt) or 'stop being awkward and pretending she's desperate for it'

OP posts:
rooobarbb · 23/09/2013 13:05

What a total arse. And not only an arse, he also sounds like a manipulating, nasty bully.

I think I'd stop trying to reason with him, there is no getting through to twats like him. I'd just take steps in future to stop this happening again and to make life as easy as possible for you. I think he's doing it on purpose to try to get an argument and then to try to blame you for it.

If you can, I'd get your DD a cheapie coat from somewhere (Asda are good, I've had coats from there for £5 in their sales before, think they have a bit of a sale on now), and send her on Fridays when he's picking her up in the cheapie coat and her spare pair of shoes (or a cheapie pair from Asda or Tesco). Speak to the school staff and ask that bookbags, reading books, homework etc be sent home on the Thursday night instead of the Friday.

GobbySadcase · 23/09/2013 13:07

I hate to say it but I WOULD get the school on side. Persistently late collection and lack of appropriate clothing are both red flags for SS referral and you need school to know you have no part in it.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 13:09

Rooobarbb - she is already reluctant to be collected by him though. If she wears different clothes/shoes on those days it makes her more anxious about him collecting her which isn't fair on her.

OP posts:
rooobarbb · 23/09/2013 13:11

I totally understand, Jeremy. It's a very difficult one. Unfortunately though I don't think there is any way you can force him to bring things back when he acts like such an arse, nor can you rely on him to be responsible.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 13:11

Gobby - he blamed the lateness on me, saying I'd only let him know last minute that he could collect dd. it was arranged before the summer holidays. He has now reassured the teacher he will always be there EARLY on his days Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 13:13

I know rooobarbb. Chances are I will buy spares and he will keep those too and repeat until I stop him collecting her Sad

OP posts:
melonribena · 23/09/2013 13:16

Jeremy, I teach year 2 and have a selection of nice warm coats that I keep in the classroom in case a child has a situation like this or just falls in a puddle on the way to school. They've been donated by parents over the years.
I'm always happy to lend them out. Why don't u talk to the school on pick up and explain what's happened. You might find they have a spare u could borrow for a few days.

Original poster
JeremySmile · 23/09/2013 13:18

Thanks Melon. Again - it's embarrassing for dd though and places emphasis on his uselessness towards her. He told her he was doing his hobby this week (rather than taking her for tea) so she will know he's chosen to do that instead of return her coat.

OP posts:
GobbySadcase · 23/09/2013 13:21

Sounds like they're well aware then. Wasn't trying to blame you or scaremonger - just wanted you to be in best position possible given his irresponsibility Smile

IShouldNotBeHere · 23/09/2013 13:25

Poor little girl. I see no reason for him to carry on collecting her. She's unhappy about it, he's useless at it, she's being neglected, he's fucking with her head and lying to her.

It might be time to explain to her in an age appropriate way that her dad tells fibs sometimes and that she can always check with you if he's said something and she's not sure if its true.

Swipe left for the next trending thread