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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this just doesn't seem fair.

18 replies

Meg51 · 22/09/2013 20:00

Name changed in case I out myself and get yelled at and lose a friend.

I wonder if it's just me who thinks this is unfair.

My friend has 2 DCs, a daughter J and a son A. J (13) has just started her third year at secondary school, her brother is 8 and attends a SEN school some distance away. A is taken to school in a taxi and returns the same way. Mum puts him in the taxi at 8am (before she leaves for work) and until this term he was dropped at a child minder at 4pm until Mum collected him at 5.30pm. Since she was 11 J has been allowed to let herself in after school and do her homework until Mum and A get home.

This term Mum has decided to save money on a child minder (she's been paying over the odds because A can be difficult) and J is expected to be home at 4pm to let A in and look after him until her mum gets home. A usually behaves quite well for J.

J loves singing and has been in the annual school musical for the last 2 years and was hoping to be in the current one as well. She's very good and was hopeful of getting a decent part. Rehearsals are after school twice a week until about 5pm. But she cannot take part because her mum says she has to be home for A. She's very, very upset and also quite angry.

This afternoon her mum was talking to me about it and how J's behaviour has taken a turn for the worse. She asked what I thought and I said I could understand why J was upset. I didn't want to say too much but it does seem unfair to me that J is missing out.

AIBU in thinking that J isn't A's mother and it shouldn't be her job to look after him?

OP posts:

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 22/09/2013 20:05

Any chance A could go back to the cm those two days? Mum would still be saving a chunk on childcare and J could get involved in the musical.

edam · 22/09/2013 20:07

No, it doesn't seem fair. Oldlady's suggestion sounds like the right one, is there any way your friend would think about that?

hermioneweasley · 22/09/2013 20:10

Lifeisn't always fair. If family finances mean that the older sister needs to care for her brother then that's how it is. If the family could easily afford the CM costs for the days of rehearsal then it does seem a bit mean.

Depending on what SNs her brother has, J may well end up having caring responsibilities when her brother is older if her parents are elderly or dead. That's not "fair" either.

BrokenSunglasses · 22/09/2013 20:10

YANBU, it isn't fair.

Does the Mum have a choice though? If she's on her own and she's got debt that's just getting bigger as she pays the CM, then I can understand her having to make a tough decision.

If she can afford the childminder without debt and sacrificing essentials, then the Mum is wrong to do this.g

Original poster

Meg51 · 22/09/2013 20:10

Good idea. I think I'll try to suggest it as tactfully as I can. I hope the cm has space. There would be more nights as the show get nearer, I expect.

OP posts:

WestieMamma · 22/09/2013 20:13

No it isn't fair, but that's life and families sometimes need to pull together.

Original poster

Meg51 · 22/09/2013 20:15

I'm not sure of her financial position. I don't think she has major money problems, they had a decent holiday this summer.

The more I think about it the more I think that J shouldn't have to do it at all on a regular basis. What if she wants to stay behind for sport or something else as well? She's a bit too young to take on family responsibilities, I think.

My friend isn't a single mother her DH works even longer hours because he commutes.

OP posts:

PeppiNephrine · 22/09/2013 20:17

You don;t always get what you want. When I was that age I was working 3 evenings a week plus saturdays, and was a carer when I was at home.
Its just life, isn't it?

WestieMamma · 22/09/2013 20:20

It doesn't really matter what you think though does it OP, as it has bugger all to do with you. I think you should mind your own and leave your friend to decide what is best for her family.

cashmiriana · 22/09/2013 20:22

YANBU
J is 13.
I wouldn't want my 14 year old to be caring for my 10 year old on a regular basis, let alone a younger child with additional needs, for whom the mum was "paying over the odds" for CM because of those needs.

cardibach · 22/09/2013 20:24

Just as a point - changing your name won't stop you getting shouted at - if your friend recognises this, she will know it is you and will shout. All she won't know is your usual MN name...
And yes, it seems unfair, particularly if there is no financial issue.

Original poster

Meg51 · 22/09/2013 20:25

My friend thinks it matters what I think, WestieMamma that's why she asked me. So she has made it my business.

I'm trying to formulate my thoughts and asking the opinions of others to help gather my thoughts before talking to her again.

OP posts:

BiscuitsAreMyDownfall · 22/09/2013 20:30

Reminds me of my growing up. Dsis (5 years younger than me) had Downs Syndrome (I say had because unfortunately she passed away in 2002 aged 18). I often had to help out in the same way by looking after her when my parents weren't able to (either through work or because they wanted to have some time to themselves) and I never gave it a second thought. I just got on with it.

The only thing it has done for me is to hope that I dont need my children to look after each other, but sometimes unfortuntely its just the way it is. Its not fair true, but its life. Life isn't fair.

EndoplasmicReticulum · 22/09/2013 20:30

I think if there's any way that J can get to be in the musical then her mother should try as hard as she can to make that happen.

If both parents work then a childminder should be affordable. J's dream of being in the musical is being sacrificed "to save money". I think the family should be able to prioritise and save money in other areas.

Mum needs to think ahead too - J will be starting GCSEs in a year or two's time. Will she still be expected to mind younger brother and will that interfere with her studying? Revision sessions after school?

I realise for some families it may be unavoidable but it doesn't seem like the case here.

JumpingJackSprat · 22/09/2013 20:36

j shouldnt have to look after her sibling on a regular basis especially if it means she has to sacrifice her own interests.

edam · 22/09/2013 21:09

Right, as Endo says, with two working parents there should be enough money for a childminder for the nights of the rehearsals. There was enough money for a childminder until J went to secondary, after all.

I don't think it's sensible to make a 13yo solely responsible for an 8yo for 90 minutes a day, especially as 'A can be difficult' but 'usually behaves quite well for J'. Usually isn't 'always'.

I know there's no defined age at which one is suddenly deemed capable of looking after younger siblings, but 13 does strike me as a bit young to do this five days a week. I think we had mother's helps until I was 14 or 15 and my sister was only three years younger than me (and didn't have SN or behavioural difficulties).

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 22/09/2013 21:17

Unless it's the difference between them eating and not, then no, this should not be happening. It is not fair on J at all - or even A really. J deserves her freedom and A deserves to be looked after by an adult, not his (understandably) reluctant & resentful sister. I hope you can make your friend see sense.

PumpkinPie2013 · 22/09/2013 21:56

YANBU it's unfair on J to have such a big responsibility all of the time and not be allowed to have some time for her own interests.

The parents should pay for a cm for nights that J has rehearsals.

Growing up I often had to look after my sister who is 4 years younger than me (no SN but could be very very difficult even for my parents) either in the morning - getting us both to school and/or evenings getting us both home, making tea etc. Until 9.30pm due to our parents working shifts.

Although on the one hand I understood why on the other hand I was quite resentful that I couldn't stay for anything after school or just get on with homework/my own thing sometimes.

I hope you can persuade your friend to rethink x

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