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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to call private investigator to spy on my DH?

21 replies

Upsetwife · 22/09/2013 16:17

I have been married for 10 years, two DC under 5. I was devastated to find out my DH had a huge collection of porn when I was pregnant. He had been looking at porn just 2 days after miscarrying our first baby. At the time he was working late on a project at work but these evenings were actually filled with looking at porn. He said he would get help and stop, he made an appointment with a psychotherapist but then told me he could sort things out himself. I believed him. I had a difficult pregnancy, my baby wasn't growing properly and I was in and out of hospital a lot.

After my son was born, there was another incident where he was looking after our DS while I had a lie in, he brought the travel cot where our ds was asleep into the room where the laptop was so he could look at some porn.

I was furious. He was apologetic and said it wouldn't happen again. His answer was to keep his laptop in his car and put a password on it so I couldn't check it anymore. I then found out he started to see someone, he insisted it wasn't sexual. He said he would stop seeing her, I was checking his phone and that is how I found out, he now has a new phone with a password on it so I can't check it anymore. He has told me such terrible lies and is an accomplished liar.

I now suspect he is seeing someone again but have no proof, AIBU to spend a months salary on a private investigator to check his movements on friday this week? His work is very flexible and he has a day when he does not need to be in the office. I just need to know what he is upto and then I can decide what to do next.

OP posts:

BringOn2014 · 22/09/2013 16:21

He has lied to you consistently, why do you need a private detective?
Sit him down tell him you want to access to his phone and laptop, his reaction will be all you need. If he has nothing to hide it shouldnt be a problem.

Tailz · 22/09/2013 16:22

I'll be honest, I have no idea why you'd waste your time with him or bother to waste money on a P.I.

He has form, why waste more time? He's not worth it. I would suggest you save your money, kick him to the kerb and invest in your and your DC' future.

CajaDeLaMemoria · 22/09/2013 16:24

Do you need to know where he is?

Honestly, I wouldn't do it. Your husband is a liar, and cannot be trusted. He does not respect you, and he simply pays you lip service by telling you what you want to hear.

If you do need to know, try to exhaust all other options, first. Any chance of unlocking the car and getting the laptop at night? Checking his phone? All a private detective will get you is photographs of where your DP goes, and possibly who he meets, if she/he goes outside, or is visible. It's not concrete evidence. It may be that your husband goes to an unknown address and lets himself in - so there is nothing concrete for you to go on, and you don't really know anything else, but you've spent a lot more.

It's a horrid situation. Do you have an exit plan?

McNewPants2013 · 22/09/2013 16:24

I think your relationship is over, if it comes to hiring a PI then I really can't see it working.

If you are not ready or don't want the relationship to end I would use the money on a relationship counsellor.

CoffeeTea103 · 22/09/2013 16:25

Sorry op, but i think you are desperately trying to hang on to this man even though he has given you many reasons not to. He seems to have an issue with sex, and in doing so has been treating you with very little respect. What would hiring the p.i prove? That he is cheating? He has proved this previously. Rather you spend that money trying to get out of this situation you are in. No-one deserves to be treated in this way.

looseleaf · 22/09/2013 16:26

You don't need a private detector, he has lied and continued to disrespect you so do you really want to be with him? I think it's enough to know he is putting passwords on etc and doing these things

BrokenSunglasses · 22/09/2013 16:29

Yes, YWBU to waste money on a private investigator.

Your husband likes looking at porn, that's not going to change. It sounds like that's a deal breaker enough for you. The he has had an affair, and you don't trust him.

What more do you need to know?

Beastofburden · 22/09/2013 16:30

You are going to need that months salary. Don't waste it on being told something you already know.

Invest it in seeing your lawyer.

StuntGirl · 22/09/2013 16:31

I know what you mean, you feel like you need to 'see' the lies. But he's already lied, repeatedly, and is seemingly doing nothing to gain your trust or reassure you. How much more disrespect will you put up with?

NotYoMomma · 22/09/2013 16:31

I wouldn't bother tbh, the passwords say it all

IvanaCake · 22/09/2013 16:33

A private investigator won't help. The passwords and hidden laptop tell you everything you need to know. Use your months salary on a lawyer.

Original poster

Upsetwife · 22/09/2013 16:39

I couldn't see the signs properly but now looking back it is becoming clearer, he has not approached me for sex for a couple of years. He seems so much happier lately, giving me nice presents and being affectionate.

I guess I want to present him with evidence, because the last time he just doesn't say anything when I confront him, he doesn't even deny it, just says nothing which is infuriating.

I only work part time and have a small salary compared to him who earns a lot of money, he has said to me before that our family would fall apart without his income.

I feel very pathetic and very weak. I feel sick to the stomach. I hate his guts but feel paralysed as to what to do next

OP posts:

PresidentServalan · 22/09/2013 16:46

If you don't trust him, your relationship is pointless anyway, tbh.

Do both of you a favour and split.

CoffeeTea103 · 22/09/2013 16:50

You need to consult a lawyer to advise you how to proceed. You are feeling very low And the thought of starting over must feel so overwhelming. But it's so vital for you to do this, you need to make a better life for yourself. He is lying, cheating, has no respect for you, manipulating you, no one deserves this.

Mollywashup · 22/09/2013 18:45

Can you not follow him or get someone else to? I can understand what everyone else is saying but you must still love him or you wouldn't be bothered what he was up to, i could not just sit back i would have to see what he's up to and if that meant a detective then so be it.

justmyview · 22/09/2013 18:50

Get a detective if you wish. You don't need permission from strangers on the internet. I think you should do what seems right for you

Original poster

Upsetwife · 22/09/2013 22:15

Mollywashup: I would follow him myself but have to get one DC to school and another to nursery. He leaves at 7am on the day that he does not have be in the office which is strange. He says he works in cafes and things.

He came home late on Friday and said he did not want to eat dinner because he was full from lunch. He then did not eat all evening, I think he went out for dinner with someones as he got back about 7pm.

I managed to get his phone this evening, I took his sim card out and put it in mine hoping to see any text messages and call history but it is stored in his phone not on the sim card so I wasn't any the wiser. I have turned into a snoop

He knows I am really upset about something but has not even asked me why. I barely speak to him now and he doesnt ask why, his approach is not to say anything at all. Even if I accuse him of seeing somebody, he says nothing.

I would like to know what he gets upto on the day he does not have to be in the office.

OP posts:

maddening · 22/09/2013 22:29

if you did get in to his phone you can download an app which tells your phone where his is - sneaky but it would be cheaper than a PI.

maddening · 22/09/2013 22:34

have you tried things like birthdays etc as pass. Numbers? Check out the manufacturers product info - what format would the passnumber be in? Does it store attempts at the pass number that might alert him to your attempts at the code? If you are intent on doing some digging first then the less alert he is the better.

Mollywashup · 22/09/2013 22:58

Is the phone on contract because he may get all his bills online and you could hack into it or you could set it up as long as you have the phone to delete the text message that you will recieve.There is also tracker systems you could buy for the car then you could see where he was without having to follow him, have a look online there are loads of gadgits for spying.

Jolleigh · 23/09/2013 00:00

Porn has never really bothered me...I'd rather OH be honest about it. But if my OH started to password things and keep the laptop in the car it would raise too many questions for me and shit all over any trust. That coupled with the previous cheating, there's no chance I'd waste money on an investigator.

Be honest with yourself. You'd be happier with someone you can trust. Sit him down and tell him you don't need or want any solid evidence...his behaviour says it all and you don't intend to live your life with a man who makes you feel the way he does.

Best of luck OP.

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