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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be hurt? Or am I oversensitive atm

17 replies

GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 10:39

I got dumped badly this week and today is the first of 7 that I have not spent the better part of the day crying. Yesterday he moved out and left me alone in what has always been our home.

I am struggling to handle being alone surrounded by all these memories of him and our life together so I called my best friend and asked them to come around. They were very sympathetic and asked if I wanted them to come stay for a while and that they would pop round later that day once they had spent some time with their daughter. I said of course, family comes first, just txt me if you are able to come round later, that way if they couldn't make it I could find someone else to stay.

At around 8:30 with no word from them I sent a txt asking if they could still make it. 24 hours later I am still alone and have not heard anything from them. Am I being unreasonable to feel quite hurt by this? I could handle it if they could not make it over, but to not even get a txt or anything leaves me feeling quite abandoned.

OP posts:
GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 10:48

Am I crazy? My self-esteem is at an all time low and with the week I have had the only reason I can think of is that they have suddenly decided that they hate me.

OP posts:
HappyGirlNow · 22/09/2013 10:53

I'm really sorry you're hurting and I know how hard it is when a relationship breaks down. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all in feeling hurt. I do think that unless you've had a hard break up you can't really understand the awful pain so maybe they don't understand but that's no excuse - bloody rude to ignore a text for 24 hours generally never mind in a situation like this.

Again, I'm so sorry you're hurting and I know it's a cliche but your life will get better. I split with my cheating ex a few years ago and thought my life had came to an end.. I've recently got married to a wonderful man and am happier than I've ever been - life takes you in funny directions sometimes. One day you'll look back from a happier place xx

Dobbiesmum · 22/09/2013 10:54

I think you're understandably a little over sensitive at the moment. If you think rationally you know that something might have come up unexpectedly, or life got busy suddenly. You'll probably get an "oh fuck I am so sorry!" Text or phone call soon.
Flowers for you.

ryangoslinglovesmedamnit · 22/09/2013 10:54

given you've heard nothing I suspect somthing has come up.. a txt would be nice but these things do happen. . I can see given the situation why you've been upset over it. Possibly more than you would have done if it wasnt following a break up.

Go shopping. .go for a run...spring clean..think about redecorating.

im sorry you got dumped. x

Fulltimedadof4 · 22/09/2013 11:27

There are two sides, no you are not overreacting by being hurt, it's an emotional response, and you are emotionally distressed at the moment.
But (and this may be the wrong choice of words) bear in mind that with friends the issue may be "it's not you it's me". By that I mean they are not consciously spurning YOU, it may be that they have not been thoughtful enough to be in touch. It may be something important has come up. So I'd say don't judge them harshly, at least until you know.

If they have failed to get in touch purely as an oversight there is nothing wrong with letting them know you were upset, in part because you need your friend's support at a difficult time. But, whatever you do, whatever their reasons, don't lash out at them. You need their help and support at a tough time, not to alienate them. And friends are allowed to screw up now and again, we forgive them because they are friends. Holding grudges won't help either of you.

GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 11:32

No money to shop, and the house is now spotless. He knows how upset I am because I burst into tears twice on the phone, he has never in all our years of being friends known me to cry. I was so happy when he said he would come stay for a few days, looking forward to playing video games and even possibly managing to laugh for the first time in ages, and now I just feel heartbroken all over again.

Maybe my ex is right and I just love a pity party, such a self pitying thing to type. I'm going to go nuts thinking that one over.

Still sane enough to know now is not the right time to try cutting my own hair though.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 22/09/2013 12:36

Definitely give the hair cut a miss! Grin

It will get better! Do you have anyone else who could come round?

GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 12:42

No I left it too late because I was sure they would come through for me. Maybe I could give the dog a haircut instead, or the cat.

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HollaAtMeBaby · 22/09/2013 12:42

Hide the scissors and get out of the house! Go and see a funny, non-romantic film.

cubbie · 22/09/2013 12:54

Sending you an unmumsnetty hug, if that's allowed here. I've been in your situation, suddenly dumped by husband of 12 years. Though I had great friends and family to support me through it, so I can really really sympathise. I'd be hurt too, but try and give him the benefit of the doubt. Difficult, I know.

Trying to think of something you could do to alleviate the pain and loneliness just now. Shopping is always great, I racked up a great deal of debt that way!!! So perhaps best not. Do you have family round about?

Cleaning is good, cathartic, but you've done that. Could you go for a swim?? I always find that quite relaxing. And maybe sit in the sauna/steam room? A local pool wouldn't be too expensive. Though I can understand you might not want to go out, still early days, but a change of scene might help?

What about just lying on the couch watching old movies/DVDs? Something you really like? Preferably not a favourite of the two of you. Make yourself a cup of tea, wee bit of cake or a biscuit? Pull a blanket over you and yes, just wallow in your grief. It's totally allowed.

Run yourself a nice long bath, some bubbles, a candle, a magazine or book. Do things that you enjoy, that will help you relax, look after yourself.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, it's a terrible time, there is no denying that. I can only say what others have said, things will get better. I'm sitting here with my two beautiful wee boys from my second marriage to a wonderful man. Take care of yourself and more hugs.

GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 13:51

Thank you all for your kind words. Really need to feel like someone cares right now, and it means a lot to me.

Past midnight here so I don't have many options for escape. Sleep has been avoiding me like the plague all week, and it seems whenever I do drift off the cat attacks the dog (yes I did get that in the right order, evil cat) and all 30 kilos of hound dive on me for protection, but I can't stand to shut them out of the room.

Doing my best to think positive, for example I am sure to lose that last 5 kilos now since I have to force myself to eat, and the dog is on her best behavior (although showing signs of being rather depressed that her dad is gone, every car she thinks is him coming back), and if he were here there is no way I could have them both cuddled up on the couch (well my bed as he took the mattress) with me. Less housework to do to.

OP posts:
GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 13:51

too*

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 22/09/2013 16:15

He took your mattress?

OP I am so sorry you're suffering and unhappy right now. Things will get better. I think in time you will realise that someone who dumps you and leaves you without even a mattress to sleep on is someone you are better off without.

Cuddle your dog, take him/her for long walks. Pets are comforting when things are tough.

GruffBillyGoat · 22/09/2013 16:32

I know I do need to toughen up and move on, but for some fucked up reason I still love him. It is so stupid and I hate myself for it but I do.

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DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/09/2013 17:06

He is wrong you don't love a pity party - it is quite reasonable to be disappointed if a cheering visit gets cancelled without any notification.

He didn't take the pets, then. Good - the mundanity of caring for them on a daily basis forces you to plod on. The mattress, anything else? I hear a popular kick-you-when-you're-down tactic is to leave after contributing a long list of one's faults Hmm.

You may still love him so he hasn't entirely ripped your heart out but whatever happens it doesn't mean others will abandon you. Hopefully you will hear from that careless friend but if not try someone else. "Needy" is a word that gets bandied around by those lucky enough to be secure and content. In my book it's not exceptionally demanding to ask a friend for a shoulder to cry on in a moment of crisis.

Soup, cereal, scramble an egg, something easily digested, if you can't face a sit down meal.

When you're the one left occupying the place you shared following a break up, things are bound to feel out of kilter. If you're working that'll take care of daylight hours. If you can get outdoors drag yourself round the block, get fresh air. Often people advise to move furniture or swap soft furnishings around, make the place your own. Do allow yourself time to heal.

CharityFunDay · 22/09/2013 17:17

"Needy" is a word that gets bandied around by those lucky enough to be secure and content

Hear, hear. The self-justification of the selfish, usually.

I once got made homeless. My partner didn't offer to put me up. He called me 'needy'. I dumped him while I was still homeless. Cuntbag.

HellonHeels · 23/09/2013 23:29

How are you getting on gruff?

I just popped in to see if you had an update. Hope you are getting lots of love from the dog.

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