i dont know what else to do!!

[randomrockchick]

Hello. I have joined the darkside after a rival website offered little help. So please give me some advice.

Ok so my 4 year old son usually sees his dad every other weekend. Ive never stopped contact before but we are having problems with his current living arrangements. My ex has left his wife and 1yo and moved into a house with his friends. His mum has very kindly re-arranged her 8 year olds bedroom so my son has a bed to stay at there. But she has mental health issues. She has psychotic episodes in which she feels she is at threat from her husband and children. At one point she convinced herself that all the men in the world were part of a massive secret society trying to harm women, kidnapped her own children then phoned every woman in her phonebook to tell them her discovery. Shes on meds but stress brings on these delusions. Im worried having my son there is going to trigger another meltdown.

Hes also been making arrangements for my son to stay with him at his ex wifes of a weekend. That is going to be so confusing for my son if they are playing happy familys when they arnt even a couple anymore. The whole thing is bizarre. Ive told him im not comfortable with this but his responce is that what he does with my son in his care is none of my business and i cant stop him.

I have suggested he get his own place before having my son overnight. Its not up to his mum or ex wife to pick up the slack for his sons childcare. But he says he cant afford to. But he could, he just wouldnt have all that spare money to go out with his friends every night of the week like hes currently doing. I get the impression he wants to live the carefree life that his friends do.

I also suggested getting a solicitor as we cant agree on anything but again he says he cant afford one. So where do i go from here? Hes not seen his son for 3 weeks now. All hes done is insult me and blame me for everything, he is unwilling to make any positive changes. So what shall i do? Should i just let go of my concerns and let him take my son? Or do i stick to my guns until he finds a suitable place to take my son?

Well if your son ha been used to spending every other weekend at exes wife's house while they were together an she is happy for that to continue then it is good for your son to have that consistency until ex gets himself a decent place.

OK, so why can't he see him during the day for now? Is that an option? Does he have to have overnight contact while he has no suitable accomodation?

Coul dhe possibly book into a cheap hotel for the night?

Your ds staying with your ex at his exes house won't be confusing for a 4 year old, unless you make it so.
I think you're putting obstacles in the way.
Although I think you're right not to let him stay at mils or where he is currently living.

shes living with her parents now. shes no longer his step mother, she has no parental responsibility to him. im happy for them to still see each other obv but hes just started school, im not happy for him being passed from pillar to post when hes with his dad. we live 40 miles apart. He can come see him during the day if he wants. Hes not even suggested that at all. He can come see him here if he wanted to. But hes made no effort to.

Why don't you suggest day visits to him, 40 miles is nothing. He can always come back in the morning. (assuming he has a car)

and when i spoke to him yesterday he said hes not going to be staying at step mums now. i think theyve had another fall out. hes gna get with someone else as will she. Hes made it clear hes not moving out of his friends anytime soon. So im thinking in the long term its going to get confusing, not short term.

and when i spoke to him yesterday he said hes not going to be staying at step mums now. i think theyve had another fall out. hes gna get with someone else as will she. Hes made it clear hes not moving out of his friends anytime soon. So im thinking in the long term its going to get confusing, not short term.

he does have a car. ive told him he can do daytime visits but he says it would cost him too much in fuel to keep coming back and fourth. and i dont drive so i cant take him down there

If his mum has had that level of difficulty with her mental health and those sort of delusions, she'd have had child protection services involved at some point. They obviously feel she's safe to have her 8 year old with her so I doubt you have good grounds for stopping your DS from going to stay there either. Presumably his Dad will stay there too anyway. You're more likely to get some reassurances and involvement in decisions from your ex if you don't try to lay down the law about what he does or doesn't do in his parenting time.