AIBU to Think That This Year at Least SIL...

[Rockinhippy]

Should have double checked with us before booking a holiday over Xmas???

I mentioned it to DH earlier & he didn't really say much & later after a drink accuses me of bitching

Back story...

SIL & BIL live much closer to MIL than we do, SIL also works part time, has her own transport, no kids & far wealthier too - that said she does generally do a lot for MIL.

Every year we have MIL for Xmas, sometimes them too, though in fairness MIL doesn't usually want to eat Xmas dinner with us - but a lot of that is down to with her not liking the times we want to eat & us not wanting to do the Santa thing & then have to have a full roast dinner on the table by 12 when she insists she must eat, so it's generally been Xmas day or Boxing Day buffet tea - some years it has been SIL & BIL too,

All fine, I like to cook do no real big deal for me.

But it's been EVERY year since before I married DH - I haven't really minded BUT this year I lost my DM & had for the first time initially intended to go up North to spend Xmas with my own family as its the first one without DM -

I had wanted us all to go, but then a bust up with DB & him manipulating my DF onto his wave length has meant that wasn't going to happen.

My DM was ill & in hospital for a several weeks before she passed & to cut a long story short, for obvious reasons we didn't bother with a family holiday this year, me & DD & sometimes DH too spent the summer up there with them.

I had thought as we are now not going up North for Xmas & DD is now old enough for Santa not to be so important, perhaps I would look into us taking a family holiday over Xmas instead.

Lunch with MIL on Sunday, she asks what we are doing for Xmas as SIL is away on holiday

SIL hasn't asked our plans, doesn't really know about the bust up with my family, but knows I lost my DM 2 months ago & also knows we didn't get away on holiday this year.

MIL is frail & very ill, so needs either us or SIL within reasonable reach of her in case she takes ill as she has done several times recently - SIL has even commented on not expecting her to last many more Xmases.

They have several holidays a year, which is fine, they can afford it, their business - but AIBU to think that THIS year she is taking the pee just booking & going at Xmas without at least discussing it with us & checking our plans first ???

I feel pretty miffed, it's not MILs fault, she's lovely, if a bit of a character at times, but we now can't go away, so surely my commenting isn't bitching but justified ??

AIBU ???

Tricky.

Since you usually have MIL at Christmas then your SIL wouldn't expect you to go on holiday then... I do think you are being a little unreasonable to expect her to ask you first if you want to go on holiday after Christmas if you usually host it, before she books herself.

And if you recently lost your DM (sorry for your loss :() then she might assume that you would like MIL with you at Christmas.

I got stuck with doing Christmas - for my parents and siblings - for years. No one else would offer so I always ended up offering (people pleaser).

These 'family traditions' are often very convenient for others, unfortunately.

Hope you manage to get away for a break yourself soon.

Sorry about your DM Rockin.

I don't think you can hold your SIL responsible for ballsing up your getaway plan, she was just booking a holiday and got in before you did.

If she did it knowing full well you needed to have some time away, that would be unreasonable, but only knowing about your DM/no hols isn't a huge sign that someone is struggling and needs something more from you.

Can you get away afterwards? It can be a bit dull between Christmas day/NYE, there must be deals to be had for then? You'd have something to look forward to then.

Why don't you take MIL with you to spend Xmas with your family?
Failing that let your DH deal with his Mother and you visit your family with your kids.

After the year you've had, why not go away and invite MIL? If she says no (which I suspect she will), you can go with a clear conscience as she had her chance. Any other year I'd think that was cruel, but given all you've been through, put yourself first. Sorry for the loss of your mum, must be very very hard.

Mmmm, food for thought - thanks

Though SIL did know I had suggested that we were heading up North instead this year, though that did fall through due to a bust up with my DB & DF (not my fault honest, toxic DB lied & caused whole heap of shit, but nuther thread :( )

though SIL would only know about that being cancelled via MIL & MIL does have a habit of getting the wrong end of the stick, something SIL herself frequently complains about. I did ask DH to make sure they knew, we definitely were away this year, but he's been a wuss & not spoken up, but I did think with my already telling her that she should have at least checked with DH - not just book.

Sadly DHs work commitments means the week after isn't possible & I had already suggested we take MIL up north with us & DH was horrified at the idea - got to admit she is a back seat driver from hell & she does drive him nuts at times', i think she's funny, but she's set in her ways & can be PITA if she wants to be so I think the idea of a week with her horrified him TBH.

That's a good idea wibbly but its more a practical thing, she is very ill, q disabled & has regular carer etc & they don't work over Xmas & she's had several bad turns recently, so we wouldn't feel right just leaving her with no other family nearby

We did do a weeks holiday with a few years ago, SIL kindly organised it - caravan holiday as MIL had wanted - though SIL made sure we all shared with MIL & her & BIL had another caravan to themselves

Got to admit, as much as I love her to bits it was a bloody tough week & I was ready for strangling her -myself by the end of it - we didn't even get a night out alone as she wouldn't be left with DD & she ranted at every TV programme we wanted to watch - so even a UK break with her doesn't appeal again

It's tricky, but your MIL's children need to see to her well being. The thought load of balancing her needs seems to be falling to you. Not fair on you, or her.

I'm really sorry for your loss - it must have been a tough year. However, I don't think SIL has done anything wrong. What's the bigger issue, that she's booked a holiday without asking you or that she has the money to go on holiday several times a year?

She perhaps could have called to see what your plans are, but she didn't.

Another way of thinking about it is that knowing how sad you are about losing your mum, this could in fact be your husbands last Christmas with his mum. SIL might be losing out on that through her choice. This year you're too late to put a holiday 'request' in so just make the most of your situation (maybe you and dp could book a special treat like a day spa?)

Oh and book next Christmas holiday early. X

Did you discuss your decision to head up north for Christmas this year prior to making the decision to go?

If she does a lot for Mil she is just as entitled to take a break as you are.Im sorry you lost your Mother but if you do Christmas every year maybe Sil thought you would do this year as well.
I think if you dont want to do Christmas tell them now that other plans have to be made.Your first christmas wihtout your mother will be hard and you are just not up to looking after Mil.

I think yabu to think you can ok your sil's holiday plans or not! She can go when she wants and doesn't have to check with you. Equally, you can go on holiday if you want, you are not obligated to stay home just because sil is away (but you might choose to). Decide what you want to do - in the knowledge of sil's plans, and then do it.

I'd get your DH and SIL to organise carers for your MIL and go off on holiday. If she was such a misery on holiday (not babysitting and whinging about the telly) and she's so demanding on Xmas Day (wanting feeding at a time that suits her) then she'll probably be just as satisfied with a Marks&Spencer roast that she can heat up, a sherry and control of the remote. Actually, that sounds pretty good to me

Can any of the "up North" family travel to you?

It's pretty awful when it's assumed that you'll do something-especially for someone else's mum!

It is nice to be considered-even if you still end up doing it!

It might be easier for your family or your Dad at least (if brother is toxic maybe leave him out?) to have Christmas 'down South' ....rather than being at the same table as usual with no wife/Mum there. That way you can support him/them and still provide some contact on your terms for MIL.

Just to update on this - thanks for the further replies - but in answer to some of those

Yes SIL did know our plans

No I am not jealous of SIL & BILs frequent holidays their taste in holidays are not the same as ours & really wouldn't interest us at all, we would rather have one bigger more expensive holiday that does suit our tastes than several that just wont.

This has definitely given us food for thought for future as I will in future make sure they all know if & when we won't be doing Xmas as seems to be the best way from most people POV

That said this instance has turned out to be MIL being a bit devious (she has her moments) & fibbing to us to try & force the Xmas issue early - I normally refuse to think about it until just prior to December & MIL is the one expecting me to do it again, not SIL & ha s lied to get me to agree to it as she will be on her own if I didn't - SIL hasn't booked a Xmas holiday at all & has no intention of SIL does a lot for MIL but is also on her back a lot about smoking - with good reason as she has serious chest related health issues. We take the stance that she's a grown up & her choice, though we won't let her smoke indoors, we don't give her a hard time if she does go out to the yard to smoke - SIL does nag her & it gets on MILs nerves - so she prefers Xmas here for that reason.

Bad break down in communication with my own family means we definitely won't be going up there for Xmas - neither DB not DF would leave their cats or put them in a cattery anyway - though it's fine for us to do so with ours

Communication with my DF is patchy & pretty tense & my own health problems are making that very difficult as its very very stressful still, so we won't be going up there fore sure - DB sadly I can never trust nor I doubt want in my life ever again as I am beyond shocked at just how toxic he has been to both me & DD, owning up to being behind a lot if the bad feeling my DM had towards me when alive & gloating he would do the same with DF - since this I believe he has tried several times to back into my accounts, probably to access the bike he wrote that if I chose to show it to DF would blow his story right out of the water - but that's another thread.

So seems it was a fuss about nothing,but a learning curve too & if we can find something suitable we might actually go away ourselves for Xmas this year, though hopefully just after so we can be here, but will depend on what we can get if anything - DH has let SIL & MIL know that, so all above board, though MIL not best pleased & now playing the guilt trip with DH - he just told her if she was that worried she was going to pop her clogs that soon, that maybe SIL was right & she needs to stop smoking - that went down like a lead balloon -

HACK into my accounts - autocorrect is doing my head in lately