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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was weird? Or is this man just trying to be nice

26 replies

BlingLoving · 20/09/2013 23:28

Travelling with ds (2) by train today. We had to change trains and when we got off the train I was looking at the board to see what platform I needed. I was not flustered or In the slightest bit stressed. A man stopped and asked if I needed help, and he sort of looked like maybe he was an off duty train staff person - I think he was wearing a jacket with a logo?

Anyway, i said I was just looking for the platform number and told him which station I was going to next. He said, "platform 1, come with me. It's much quicker to go via (name of station different to mine). I said I'd seen that (i had) but I still had to change again and with ds, the less changing the better. I mentioned my ultimate stop.

At which point he told me he also lived there, and offered me a lift. I declined and pointed out I'd need a car seat. He said he had one, two in fact because he had twins. Again I declined and said I'd take my original train.

He said goodbye and started walking away, then stopped to tell me what road he lived on. I just assumed he knew that I wasn't comfortable with the idea of getting in a car with a strange man.

But the more I think about it, the more strange it seems. At first i got the impression he was getting on another train too. Then he was driving. Was it weird? Or was he just a nice guy trying to be helpful to a woman with a small child? The station he told me would be quicker for me originally IS closer to the place we both supposedly live.

OP posts:

SupermansBigRedPants · 20/09/2013 23:32

At first it'd seem ok but as I read more it creeped me out just to read never mind be in that situation. It may well have been a lovely kind offer but I'd have done the same as you or been quite rude if he was a blatant wierd cunt it's always better to be safe than sorry.

Dontlaugh · 20/09/2013 23:33

I've done this, but I'm a female so less threatening. I just offered a woman a lift last week as she has missed her bus to work and I was passing. He sounded genuine, but I am a trusting person so may be slightly green in thinking this.

PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 20/09/2013 23:33

It seems pretty weird to me. Very weird in fact.

edam · 20/09/2013 23:35

um... maybe he was just being extremely keen and helpful but it was all a bit OTT. And confusing - what was he doing on the station if he had a car?

TootsFroots · 20/09/2013 23:39

My bet is that he was 100% genuine but...

.... I wasn't there so it is an inpossible call.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 20/09/2013 23:40

I know, it was a bit strange. To be honest, I wasn't scared at all. I'm pretty sensible so didn't really think about it at the time - it was a no brainer that I would not be getting a lift. But the more I thought about it afterwards, the stranger it seemed. Was he getting off duty and going home? And was he parked at the station we were at or another one? What was interesting is that it felt a bit like he was drawing info and adapting for me if you know what I mean? Ie finding out my route, the confidence with which he told me to follow him for a quicker route, the the way he got my next destination so smoothly....

I'm usually a very non paranoid person but it was strange. And then dh was very unhappy about it later (but he is a very paranoid person so)

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Original poster

BlingLoving · 20/09/2013 23:42

But I also just think it could be a man trying to be nice, even if its inappropriate. Hence this thread!

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WorraLiberty · 20/09/2013 23:50

I think perhaps he told you what road he lived on to kind of 'validate' his offer?

He might have realised you felt uncomfortable and so said it as a way of trying to say he's genuine?

Who knows really.

Shapechanger · 21/09/2013 00:03

I think it's weird. It might be a kind thing to do and it may have been well meant.

But it's weird because I think most people would know that they'd spook someone a bit with an offer like that, so they wouldn't offer in the first place.

RoonilWazlibWuvsHermyown · 21/09/2013 00:07

I think its weird. The road he lived on could have been as fictional as his twins. But then he could have been completely honest and wanting to help you out. I still feel its a bit odd to offer you a lift when you had train tickets etc.

Saffyz · 21/09/2013 00:33

If he was a member of staff he probably thought that would make it clear to you that he was trying to help.

But if not, then it was very strange.

Either way you were right not to accept a lift from a man you didn't know, when you had train tickets anyway!

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 21/09/2013 01:44

I think this is the kind of thing my DGF or FIL would do, genuinely trying to be helpful but not realising that sadly, these days, you can't be too careful and invariably the offer will be turned down.

FWIW I would have said no too.

Elsiequadrille · 21/09/2013 01:52

He was possibly trying to be kind, but I wouldn't have accepted his lift either.

Monty27 · 21/09/2013 02:12

It's an indictment on our society isn't it. You can't really trust anyone. But the mantra has always been there hasn't it? 'Never accept a lift from a stranger'.

I'd have been creeped out by it. Maybe report it. I know I'll get in trouble on here for that but you just never know how many lifts he's given or will do... you know?

Read my first sentence before you anihillate me posters. (Yes it's too late to spell properly I think).

I would offer a lift if I thought someone was in trouble, but then you weren't, and it's confusing whether he was driving or not. Perhaps he meant he had his car at the destination station?

AgentZigzag · 21/09/2013 02:15

It's a bit unusual he thought you'd be OK getting you/DC into his car.

But him trying to get round the car seat problem and then saying where he lives is a bit creepy to me.

Like he really wanted to give you a lift.

Doing a favour for a stranger is more flexible than that because they're situations that come up quickly, no time for him to get any expectations of what he really wanted to happen.

So why did he try to pressure you into doing what he said?

Putting aside my paranoid cynical side, could he recognise you if you're from the same place? If you see someone walking past loads, it can feel as though you know them better than you actually do.

As a one off, just put it to the back of your mind and don't worry about it. If you see him hedge lurking or he starts turning up wherever you are, take it further.

ProcessYellowC · 21/09/2013 02:58

Maybe he is kicking himself and saying "oh did I really have that conversation"? Like you say you thought nothing of it at the time, and maybe as the short exchange took place he offered the lift without even stopping to think that lifts between strangers isn't that normal... and I'd totally believe that at some point afterwards he was shaking his head going "did I really close the conversation with my street name?".

Sometimes I have to really argue my case with people (although they are usually people I have some connection to, if not knowing them well) who cannot accept that I am usually happy with my public transport choice, and that a lift in a car is not always the supreme way to travel!

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/09/2013 03:52

I had one of these once. I was scared because the trains had stopped running and I had no idea how to get home. The guy behind me in the BR queue said, "I'll give you a lift". I said, "what exactly would you say if your girlfriend took a lift off a complete stranger?". He said, "my boyfriend, who is over there, would be fine with that". I took a chance (he had London Underground ID, which the guy at the desk confirmed). I was mildly reassured by the copy of the Pink Paper in the car. He took me all the way home to South London and was great.

What a completely suspicious seeming gent. Sometimes people are just nice.

poppingin1 · 21/09/2013 03:59

I've been offered lifts like this before and I genuinely didn't think anything suspicious was up but still declined out of fear of the unknown IYSWIM.

I have also offered help along the lines you have described on numerous occasions.

I would forget it really.

AveryJessup · 21/09/2013 04:08

Any stranger offering a lift in his car is odd to me. It's just not something people do nowadays, especially not men to women.

I don't think he was seriously creepy because you had your toddler with you and if he was some kind of serial abductor / murderer he would presumably target a lone young woman looking a bit lost rather than a mother with a child on her way home. Still just a bit odd though so YANBU to feel it was unsettling.

HooverFairy · 21/09/2013 07:00

YANBU for feeling freaked out, I would have been really scared. TBH he just sounds like a nice bloke offering to help you but it's not the done thing anymore. He could very easily have been someone dangerous. On the other hand, his offer of the car seats and telling you where he lived could have been his way of trying to make you feel safe, maybe he realised he could be perceived as creepy and then tried to put it right? He probably wanted you to accept to avoid this situation!

Either way, you did the right thing by declining politely, I think some people are too quick to overreact to things like this. Suggestions to report him being exactly this: he hasn't done anything wrong. I'd just think no more about it, but if you see him acting suspiciously then it might be worth mentioning to someone.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 21/09/2013 07:06

My Uncle has high functioning Autism and often offers people all kinds of hospitality...it's his way of trying to make friends but of course it usually attracts some fear and hostility.

Lizzabadger · 21/09/2013 07:18

I expect he was just being kind. Good that you didn't take the risk though.

I think it depends a bit where you live whether this is normal behaviour. Round here people do help each other out. I accepted a lift from a couple when I was in stuck in a blizzard and will always remember them for their kindness in going out of their way to help me.

Tuppenceinred · 21/09/2013 07:52

How could anyone be really scared by this in the middle of a busy train station? Wary or cautious maybe.

I suspect he was trying to be nice, and it sort of escalated on him, and he ended up at home saying to his wife "I can't believe what I did...". I mean, maybe someone would abduct a woman with a two year old, but it seems a bit complicated. I suppose you'll never know now.

firesidechat · 21/09/2013 08:28

It's all a bit sad isn't it. I'm not saying that I would have accepted the lift, I probably wouldn't have, but when I was a child our family was always being offered lifts and took them up on the offer. My parents are disabled and we often walked from home to my grandparents house along country lanes. Almost every time a car would stop and we would hop in.

It makes me sad that distrusting people is so normal now. I totally understand why, but it's a shame.

Original poster

BlingLoving · 21/09/2013 12:59

Just to be clear. I wasn't scared. I thought it was weird. I think if is looked stressed or ds had been kicking off it would have been reasonable for someone to think I needed help. But I wasn't. Ultimately I suspect he was just trying to be nice but just didn't realise he was being a bit inappropriate. And I like the idea that e went home and told his wife he probably freake out a woman on the station earlier!

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