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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really think that I only want one child?

55 replies

teacher123 · 20/09/2013 20:08

I love DS (17mo) More than words and he is adorable in every way. He was much wanted and longed for and I can honestly say he is the best thing that's ever happened to me. However I also feel a strong sense of horror at the thought of ever having another baby. I just don't want to do it again, I have had anxiety and PND diagnosed but I don't think it's that, I just don't want to. However EVERYONE keeps asking me when we're going to have another one and I feel like a freak. Loads of people say that the only reason they stopped at 2 is because of money/practicalities. I just feel really strongly like I don't want one. Has anyone else felt like this?

OP posts:
Balloonist · 20/09/2013 20:39

I thought I only wanted one child. DH wanted two. I had a difficult first baby who became a challenfing toddler. I didn't think I could cope with two. Eventually I changed my mind. I'm lucky in that I had a wonderful birth second time around- probably the biggest hight of my life.

However, having two has nearly broken me at times for me it is very hard- although it is getting better.

And my second child is such an amazing individual that I would have missed out on having her. I won't have another though as that would be pushing my luck.

Stick to your guns-I bet the people hassling you had more than one themselves, found it hard and just want you to go through the same thing so you can empathise with them.

It's like people with children wanting childfree people to have children just so they can turn round and say "bloody hard isn't it?"

Claryrocks · 20/09/2013 20:41

Unless you have two children everyone feels its their business to commenting the size of your family be it one, three or four (or more!) it drives me bonkers. I'm pregnant with the third and everyone thinks they can tell me I'm mad or pushing my luck. It's your business and yours alone x

EverybodysGoneSurfing · 20/09/2013 20:41

We're sticking with one too. I don't have the sanity reserves to do all this again and now she is not quite three she is a joy! I just say 'no, not for now, can't afford it!' quite breezily or 'one's enough for me!' and then change the subject. No one else's business!

MorrisZapp · 20/09/2013 20:42

Sorry if I sounded rude. I'm very straightforward about these things and it amazes me how people dance around these issues. I've also had anxiety though so I do know how hard it can be to cope when you think people are criticising your parenting choices.

My DS is an only and I think he's a lucky wee thing. Who wouldn't want all that attention? Anyway, I hated being pg, hated giving birth, hated bf, hated all of it until he started speaking. Now I only hate roughly half of it. If I'm finding it tough, why in the name of arse would I double my troubles? It's madness.

Just have one, really.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/09/2013 20:43

Yanbu.

If that is what you and your DH want then that's that.

I don't understand the issue with only children the UK seems to have.

The adult siblings I know who are close few and far between.

PicardyThird · 20/09/2013 20:45

You don't have to have, or want, another baby. If you are certain you don't want another, that's great :)

I always knew I wanted children plural; when I'd had dc2 I knew I wanted three but also knew I wanted to, and could afford age-wise to, leave it a few years. Sadly recurrent mc has reared its ugly head, so I may not get that 3rd. Doesn't stop me wanting, despite all the head-based reasons why two is just perfect. I honestly think gut feeling (for want of a better phrase) is a reliable guide in these things. Enjoy your ds. Whether or not he has a sibling is nobody else's business.

Original poster
teacher123 · 20/09/2013 20:46

It's funny, I watch friends of mine who have harder babies, harder work/life balances/less family support/less supportive husbands or whatever and they all seem to cope marvellously and then add in a second baby less than two years after the first and I'm left speechless at the very thought...!

OP posts:
Original poster
teacher123 · 20/09/2013 20:47

morris no offence taken at all, I am glad I'm not the only one who hated all that baby stuff!

OP posts:
sweetkitty · 20/09/2013 20:48

If you want I've stick at one and did what everyone else says.

I have quite a few friends with one, some through choice some not, I think it's rude to comment on the size of someone's family, one of my friends has had several mcs and has given up having no2 still upsets her people going on about lonely children Hmm

Do what feels right for you

AidanTheRevengeNinja · 20/09/2013 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lottieandmia · 20/09/2013 20:58

People always have something to say about children though. Some people seem to have an expectation that you will have 2 children, a boy and a girl of course. I have 3 girls and people say to me 'don't you want a son?' as if I can choose!

catgirl1976 · 20/09/2013 21:02

I feel exactly the same as you OP

I just want the one I have. I adore him and I can't imagine loving anyone else as much

I had a difficult labour and DH doesn't want me to go through that again so he feels the same

I do get the guilts sometimes about it being fair to DS but I think he will be fine

junkfoodaddict · 20/09/2013 21:03

I have had anxiety and PND diagnosed but I don't think it's that, I just don't want to. Are you absolutely sure it isn't that?

I only ask because if it wasn't because of the anxiety and PND being a reason for only wanting one, why mention it in your post? I don't mean this in an offensive way so please forgive me.

Tonight, I went to the GP to discuss my fears about a second pregnancy. My DH was adamant that he only wanted one child whereas I have always made it clear that I wanted two children. Only two weeks ago my DH finally opened up and said that the birth of our DS who is now nearly 21 months completely traumatised him (failing placenta, baby not growing, low fluid, rare reaction to indcution resulted in violent contractions, baby in distress, placenta abruption, massive loss of blood for me, uterine tear, baby having suspected infection, severe jaundice!) and has admitted that he would like a second.

When I went to the GP, I asked a question about my fears over rhesus negative and second baby being positive because it was 5 days before I received the anti D again. I mentioned my birth difficulties and the GP asked if it was just the anti D that was worrying me because of me mentioning the other stuff. I paused and thought about it and he was right to question me because deep down the birth trauma was worrying me immensely - I simply do not want a natural birth because of the fears that it could happen again.

My GP was superb and reasurred me a great deal.

I suppose what I am saying is if you REALLY want only one child then that is your decision and nobody elses but you may need to think about why you posted your AIBU post and why you mentioned the anxiety and PND because from the perspective I am seeing this from, this has a greater bearing on your decision than maybe you realise and further down the line you may regret your decision.

It's only been 17 months since you had your little boy so relax, enjoy him growing up and readdress the situation if the need arises later on. As for everyone else, be honest and say that you are happy with the one child you have and that you have no plans to extend the family - you are certainly being honest with that sort of reply.

Original poster
teacher123 · 20/09/2013 21:13

I found the total lack of control you have over your own life and the sleep deprivation just horrendous when DS was a newborn and I think underlying anxiety morphed into more serious problems as I was so tired and overwhelmed. I also had an awful labour and was very ill both before and after he was born. However I'm not scared of the physical side, I know I could do it again, I just feel very strongly that I don't WANT to. My underlying fear is that I'm selfish for not wanting a sibling for DS and he'll hate me forever.

OP posts:
Teapigging · 20/09/2013 21:29

I have one child and am not planning to have more. I had a lovely pregnancy, and a straightforward c section, no PND. I'm not sensitive about it in the least, and have no problem with a jokey or straight response, but honestly, recently the stream of comments and questions is wearing me down.

One neighbour mentions my 'lonely only' (her phrase) every time I see her, literally. 'Oh, of course he's at ease around adults, being an ONLY CHILD'. 'Its good he's so sociable, when he HAS NO BROTHERS AND SISTERS.' She puts on this 'Im trying to understand your weird, unnatural decision' face, too. Grr.

DancingLady · 20/09/2013 21:35

You're not being selfish and he won't hate you.

Surely having a second child is also a selfish move? After all, people who have 2/3/4 etc DCs do it because they want to, right?

Totally understand you not wanting to go through pregnancy and birth again. And the exhaustion is not to be underestimated either.

iseenodust · 20/09/2013 21:41

Another like Spinkle. Our choice to stop at one. Too old for a late second one now and comfortable with it. DS has cousins and a dog!

PresidentServalan · 20/09/2013 21:42

I'm an only and I wouldn't want it any other way! Am Shock that people ask about having another to anyone though - that is unbelievably rude!! What about those people who can't for whatever reason? As PPs have said, smile and distract them!

PresidentServalan · 20/09/2013 21:45

And OP you are NOT selfish! Some people have several children, some don't. It's not selfish to have one child that you love and cherish at all!

CuppaTeaForTheBigFella · 20/09/2013 21:49

I only ever wanted one too. I did wonder if that would change once she went off to preschool, but it didn't. I have absolutely loved being a Mum to her, but the older she gets the more I enjoy it, and I don't want to start again with another baby if that makes sense?
The decision is out of our hands now anyway as DH has had the snip. Neither of us regret that decision at all Smile

CaptainCapybara · 20/09/2013 21:57

I have one 2 year old DD and don't plan on having more. I adore her, she is fantastic (has her not so great moments like all toddlers of course) and I feel content with what I have. I loved having a small baby to snuggle and sometimes think it would be nice to do it again but then I remember that it won't be the same the second time around with having an older child to have to organise and take places and I don't think I could face doing it in that newborn sleep deprived refluxy haze. It makes sense financially and space wise in our house to stick with one and I feel fulfilled as a parent with one DC.

Silverdaisy · 20/09/2013 22:00

Having only one child is your decision, and quite normal these days. I really don't know what my choice in life will be (if I have a choice).

However I am an only child and really wish I had had a sibling. I fully understand how many people have no relationship with their siblings, but i still would have liked that option.

I do not say this to guilt people about having 1 child, this is just my opinion.

EST0106 · 20/09/2013 22:03

Of course it's your choice. I'm an only child and never felt lonely growing up, but 2.5 years ago my mum died a few weeks before I was due to have my dd, I felt incredibly alone, and in my head having a sibling to share what I was going through would have helped me massively. At the same time by BIL died very suddenly and what helped my MIL get through this and keep going was her other children. I don't know that these are good reasons to have another baby but they definitely impacted on my decision and I'm currently pregnant with DC 2. I hope this doesn't make you feel worse, that is not my intention, I guess I'm just saying look to the future as well as the now. X

SunshineMMum · 20/09/2013 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Silverdaisy · 20/09/2013 22:21

EST, that is so similar to what I was wanting to say. My parent passed away recently and now my other parent is very unwell, I am in my early 30's and am thinking a sibling would have been of help!

Nobody knows what is ahead of them though, and i have been a very happy person with good friends.

I also believe if your circumstances only fits one child then that is your answer.