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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to call the police when i can hear the the girl upstairs getting abused by her oh

100 replies

rosiedays · 20/09/2013 10:39

I'm sitting here listening to the couple upstairs violently argue. She is screening stop hitting me he is screaming language to horrible to repeaf and their big dog is going nuts.
I've just call the police
Did i do right thing or should i have left well alon

OP posts:
SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 20/09/2013 12:23

good for you.
here, have some Thanks

WafflyVersatile · 20/09/2013 12:26

Go over some of those 'how do you know you're being abused tick lists while you have her there.

And well done. Smile

Also remember to post on FB about how you called the police while wearing a help for heroes hoody.

TheOrchardKeeper · 20/09/2013 12:28

He once beat her up in a pub and dragged her to the carpark & no one did a thing. People too often seem to think that it's not their place but I wish for her and for lots of others that more people did things like this rather than just stood by. Well done op , even if it seemed pointless or it happens again etc, the seriousness/wrongness of it has been highlighted for her and it may be the thing that eventually changes her perception.

ouryve · 20/09/2013 12:34

Rosie Flowers

Lweji · 20/09/2013 12:44

Go over some of those 'how do you know you're being abused tick lists while you have her there.

God.
He beat her up.
Yes, she is being abused.
He should be jailed.

Do you want to start a thread with her?
She can talk about her relationship and will get much needed advice and support.
Even if she'll feel ashamed to go to you in the future.

BTW, if he's back he's likely to be even worse, but do it more silently. :( :( :( :(

allforoneandoneforall · 20/09/2013 12:49

Poeple like him wont change all the time he has a hole in his arse! Fact! But leaving him means leaving all the good things, which there probably are as well, and being alone. It's not easy. Love is blinding.

SisterMonicaJoan · 20/09/2013 12:49

Well done Rose Thanks

I hope your neighbour is ok and starts to accept her situation and reaches out to get the help she needs. She was brave enough to leave when the police arrived so I hope she manages to be brave a little longer...

StuntGirl · 20/09/2013 12:52

I'm glad you got her away from him, even if it was just for one night.

kali110 · 20/09/2013 12:53

It must have been hard for you, but you did the right thing x

Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 12:56

Thanks for the women's aid advice. I've called them and passed the phone to her. They are trying to help. Sadly I think it's falling on deaf ears.

OP posts:
SecretLimonadeDrinker · 20/09/2013 13:12

Well done Rosie' you are a star.

AgathaF · 20/09/2013 13:17

I think it can take many beatings, and many offerings of advice or shelter for women to leave. She may not go this time, but some of the information they give her will stick and maybe next time or the one after, she will be able to see more clearly and leave.

StanleyLambchop · 20/09/2013 13:18

I have read the thread but I can't see it is mentioned what happened to him. Please tell me he is not just sitting up in their flat waiting for her to return!

Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 13:21

She's packed and going to her sisters ( soon i hope as her denial is becoming annoying)
Thanks again for helping. It wasn't easy. Dh at work and i have a 9 week old.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 13:28

Who i now want some privacy to feed. Police have been back and taken ( reluctantly given) statement from her. I have told her if she goes back i will from now on call the police every time i hear them. . ( it happens often this morning was particularly bad)
She saying all the things that abused women do. doesn't see it as domestic violence ( just a fight wtf) and blaming herself for starting it. :( done my best.

OP posts:
TheOrchardKeeper · 20/09/2013 13:30

Please try and be patient. I know it's hard to listen to the denial/self blaming but that's part of the abuse & the psychological grip that he probably has on her as well as the physical one and all you can do is point that out to her & hope that this has at least shocked her enough to rethink everything and consider reaching out.

Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 13:30

Stanley he walked off when the police came. Probably in the pub somewhere now.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 20/09/2013 13:31

God.
He beat her up.
Yes, she is being abused.
He should be jailed.

Of course he should but this is about her coming to her own conclusions, which isn't quite so easy as you typing indignantly on a forum, and as you can read she's not even near there yet.

Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 13:39

TOKeeper I'm trying. I've been there and know just how hard it is. I will keep trying hopefully some of what i say may help at some point. Bless her she's so young And vvulnerable. ( 23 going on 17)

OP posts:
InLoveWithDavidTennant · 20/09/2013 13:43

well done rosie Thanks

hopefully her sister will try and make her see that what is happening is wrong

TheOrchardKeeper · 20/09/2013 13:45

I know it's very frustrating from the outside. Had a friend who stayed with a bloke like that for a year or so after the abuse started & it wasn't always easy to be patient but she got there in her own time. Him being reported did actually help, as it was people from outside the relationship/her friend group also saying 'no, this is wrong, not your fault, shouldn't happen etc'. If she's gone to her sisters then that's great & sounds like she'll get there, in her own time.

MySweetPrince · 20/09/2013 13:55

Absolutely the right thing.My sister was in an abusive relationship and her neighbours called the police when they could hear her screaming as he was banging her head agianst the wall. She hadn't told us (her family) about the abuse as a) she was ashamed and b) he had threatened to harm our younger sister if she ever let on.
The police coming was what triggered my sister to leave the abusive B*ard and get help - and rebuild her life.

Lweji · 20/09/2013 14:08

Hopefully she will go to her sister and she'll encourage her to leave him for good.

It's so sad.

She must be overwhelmed right now.

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/09/2013 15:10

op

My working life would be much much easier if more people reported.

People get away with committing DV because its a mostly hidden crime when someone outside of the situation reports you then have a witness.

The police get involved sooner because they know sooner,medical help happens sooner as does social support.

IME an outside report leads to leaving quicker being less physically injured and a slightly lower risk for the first year after leaving (women who flee DV are most at risk at the time of leaving or for the first year) knowing the wider comunity will not tolerate or ignore vulnerable victims makes help seeking easier and retribution against the victim less likely as many men who do this rely on other people turning a blind eye and making the victim feel like nobody else is bothered.

Original poster
rosiedays · 20/09/2013 15:30

Hi. Her sister has just picked her up. She has contact with woman's aid and I've got a headache! ! She has been in constant text contact with him ( sigh)
Sad thing is she will probably be back in a few days.

My heart does go out to her and I hope she's heard just a little of what I've said but i fear her self esteem is too low and his control still to strong.

OP posts: