Bedroom Wars

[Gossipmonster]

How fussy are you re your DC's rooms?

My 2 DS's (16 & 11) are fairly tidy although need to be nagged but my 14 yr old DD's room is quite often a bit of a mess and my partner (in the military) comes home and is constantly nagging me about it and I am placed firmly in the middle. They do do jobs around the house such as folding clean washing, loading and emptying dishwasher, generally helping for which they earn pocket money.

Personally as long as it's clean I am not really that bothered about how tidy it is and my attitude is that it's their space in the house and it's up to them how they keep it as I don't have to be in there.

OH is an involved father with his own children but due to his job has never lived with any of then for a prolonged period of time (therefore not really grasping the full reality of teenagers and if this is the worst crime they are committing then we aren't doing too badly).

This is becoming a constant point of grief between my OH and I when he comes home and I am beginning to wonder if I am taking a stance (insisting military levels of tidiness) to keep the peace with him rather than inforcing my own parenting on my own children (without telling him to MHIB yet again).

What do others expect and AIBU to think this is a) a war I am never going to win and am really not overly bothered about and b) there are more important things in life than getting uptight about DDs room to "keep the peace" with him as it were.

That was really rather long .

Your OH would adore my 10 yo son's room, it would pass a barracks inspection with flying colours...it sometimes worries me that he's so precise (it's not OCD though so I try not to stress too much).

I think you hand your OH need to talk about this; he shouldn't be nagging you about it, you have as much right to your parenting views as he does to his. You need an agreed standard for all 3 and then stick to it.

I am a little unclear though as to whether your 3 DC are also his DC? If he's not their father, then you changing your stance because of him could cause problems.

I expect to be able to do routine cleaning/bedding changes safely, I also expect the cleaner to be able to get to the windows safely (so fairly clear floor, all clean clothes sided and dirty clothes in the laundry bin). DD meets minimum expectation with a little encouragement and I've already mentioned DS.

I don't think YABU at all, as long as your DD's room is okay there are more important things to stress about (and frankly an adult shouldn't be routinely going into a 14 yo's room uninvited anyway imo). She's also a teenager, the more you push her the more likely she is to rebel.

No - they are not his DC and it does cause problems.

Ouch! That can complicate matters.

May I suggest you also post in the step parents area as well? The people in there have lots of advice (and experience) about dealing with blended families.

For what it's worth, I think that you need to make sure you're being heard by your OH (on this and any other matter). Compromise is a 2 way road.

I'm with you, OP. He is BU and creating a problem.

You're not going to have military tidiness from teenagers full stop and he does need to wind his neck in. Ask him how your daughter's bedroom affects his life - the fact that it doesn't means he can butt out and let you deal with it.

Madlizzy

"You're not going to have military tidiness from teenagers full stop and he does need to wind his neck in"

What about all the teenagers in the military? :o

My mum used to get really upset over my room. My dad said to her "shut the door and you won't see it, her room, her choice"
Providing I had no food/drink/plates festering, and kept the door shut it was up to me

I'm with goodas. Get the kids to shut their doors. Out of sight, out of mind hopefully. If he still complains it says more about his SParenting, attitude and issues than there is room for here.

To be fair my dad was fairly relaxed
I also never had a curfew - the rule was if I said 2am I had to be in by then, a minute after and I would be grounded but I picked the time

Eventually I did start to tidy my room up but because my friends nagged me about it, and I came to the conclusion it was better tidier

Sinful, apart from the ones in the military

Yanbu, my Dh goes away with work a hell of a lot so I deal with the kids and am pretty realistic about the Dc's! Dh comes back with very unrealistic expectations or tells me what I haven't done which at that point I shout f* o**!!! I have been working in a physically demanding job during the school hours. Look after the kids and house, washing etc. to be honest I think it's a mans way trying to assert himself and get back into life! I have it about dh's expectations about kids bedrooms but I close their doors and walk away. Just as long as there is space on the floor to change beds and curtains are open. Be proud of your kids helping out around the house but their bedrooms I think are their territory especially at that age!!!

I think you need to agree some ground rules - dirty crockery to be brought to the kitchen and washed up for example, and then leave everything else. Why does he care if their rooms are messy? Is he spending any time in them? I used to have the airing cupboard in my room, so had to clear a path to that for my parents, but other than that was allowed to keep it messy as we were all supposed to keep the rest of the house tidy.