Who is BU, my friend or her Ex-DH?

[FlouncyMcFlouncer]

My friend (genuinely her not me, I've never been daft enough to get married ) separated from her DH in January. He has been very reliable about maintenance payments for their two dc although a little sketchy about access.

Recently he moved in with his new GF, who also has two children from a previous marriage, and is now pregnant with his child. At this point his maintenance payments halved, in accordance with G'ment guidelines due to him now 'supporting' the other children (although their father pays maintenance too which makes it very confusing). My friend, although not too chuffed, accepted this.

Due to the nature of his job he's not allowed to take his annual holiday during school holidays. With this in mind, when my friend wanted him to have the children for a week so that she could go away (one week out of the four he has off in the year, and his other access is about six hours a fortnight, his choice) she asked him if he would consider staying in her house with them, so that their school routine would not change etc (he lives on the other side of the city and has no car, although he does drive). She outlined the suggestion that she would pay all the household bills as usual, stock the cupboards and fridge, and leave him with her car as she'll be travelling in mine. After some consideration he said yes, he'd be ok with that.

We are due to fly out on holiday on Sunday, and today is the day his maintenance payment goes into her banks account - except he hasn't paid it. He's paid in the money he gives her for a loan which is in her name, but not the maintenance. His view point is ;Why should I pay you maintenance for that week when I've got the kids'?

My friend POV is yes, you've got the kids, but I have still picked up all their expenses! The food, the rent, the bills, even the fuel in the car.

Who is BU?

Sorry to drip-feed but just to add, when he agreed to stay in her house with them, at that time he was living in a rented room, the move in with the GF has happened since the arrangements were made.

I think your friend needs to get herself to the CSA asap. AFAIK his step kids should not affect him paying her, their fathers jib is to provide for them. although, yes, when the new baby comes along then it would drop.

I see both their points re thus weeks maintenance however he should have mentioned it before. again, CSA would stop him pull ng crap like that

The rates for the child support when there are other children in the house are from the Gov website, but it doesn't talk about the support from their father on there.

I think she wanted to avoid the CSA as long as possible given their notoriety for being crap but I agree it's going to come to that.

No other opinions on the U party?

Really? No-one? I'm starting to think I've been sent to Coventry

csa may have a bit of a bad reputation but they do get things sorted, eventually. my ex was a bit flaky because i was on benefits when we divorced but the csa got him moving. i think i'm with you on this one regarding the matainance, it should be paid, after all electric etc has to be paid for, it's good that ex is helping out with child minding, but perhaps neg. the money say, he pays a quatrer of the usual amount for the week you are away? whatever happens have a great time!

Mrsfuzzy, can I ask you to define what you consider child maintenance to be used for?

My ex would pay exactly the same each month to his ex wife even when we had the kids for a month in summer. She still has to pay her mortgage and bills on a big enough house for all of them, and buy their clothes etc, although he buys clothes for them at his too. His feeling was also that if he messes up her monthly budgeting that's upsetting for her and thus for his kids.

He is being totally unreasonable, as she is in fact maintaining him as well as the kids that week!!

He is being a twat.

He is bu!

She should have just lent him her car and he could have kept the kids at his house.

If he is paying the rates that the CSA worked out, maintenance is calculated based on spreading it out amongst the 52 weeks of the year - including the nights/weeks he has the kids. It doesn't not need paid one week if he has them.

The maintenence would not halve due to the other children in his life at most it would drop 25%. Your friend is right although the dad is babysitting the dc she is the on still picking up the cost so he still needs to pay.

Fwiw my dp pays maintenance all year for his dd even when we have have her extra nights and the agreed 2 weeks in summer extra days at Christmas, Easter and half term.
As far as he is concerned it is money to help maintain his child while at her mums not just food and clothes but to go towards after school clubs and bills when needed.
When our ds arrived his maintenance wad to decreased by £5 a week for his dd he just left the payments as they were.

Maintenance is for the cost of homing, heating, feeding and clothing the kids. That doesn't change because someone goes on holiday, so he should pay the same amount.

He is BU. Just because he's looking after the children as she says she is still housing them and feeding them.

When my DH child is with his GP for the summer for 6 weeks he still pays maintenance to the mother.

He is being a massive fanny. She's letting him stay in the house, will be feeding him and letting use her car as well as pay for the fuel while she's away. What more does he want? blood?

Not sure how it works with maintainance, stepkids and why his own biological DC are now going without coz he's shacked up with some new ones. If I was your friend I'd be doing some research and making absolutely sure her children are not needlessly going without from own wanker dad.

HIBU. Since she's still covering all her usual costs, and he'll have no extra overheads, what is his reason for unilaterally reducing maintenance? Is this his babysitting fee? For his own DC?? FFS. Does he think that maintenance is 'payment' for looking after children? Rather than to cover the costs of housing, utilities, clothes, food, childcare etc? He sounds a bit thick/tight/both.

froken there is 'no room' at his new home for them to stay for a week, and my friend knows him well enough to be sure that he wouldn't get her DD to school (across city traffic) in time in the mornings, and her son only goes to Nursery three half-days, etc etc, ad infinitum. Him staying at hers really was the easiest solution.

He never has them overnight, only from 10-4 every other Sunday. For which my friend drives them there and collects them!

haverer "He sounds a bit thick/tight/both"

^this.

With ref to the payments halving: He was originally paying about £90 pw for the two kids, which was what he and my friend looked up online and thought was the correct amount.
When he moved in with new GF, she and him checked again and realised he'd been paying 'too much', and additionally, that he now had to pay even less anyway. Ergo, the payments 'should' have been about £69 not £90, and are now down to £54. (i may be a couple of quid out here, I'm only remembering it as she told it to me).

I think he's getting 'maintenance' mixed up with 'child minding fees'. His maintenance doesn't pay his ex for looking after his kids, it pays for their living expenses. Which do not change if X is out of the house for a week.

Two things:
Send him a bill for the food eaten, the booze drunk (if she was daft enough to leave any) and his percentage of the lx and gas.

And

C.S.A.

Hearing more about him I think your friend is being unreasonable leaving her kids with this man who wouldbe incapable of driving them to school and doesn't have them over night.

CSA.

And start keeping a diary of his shit behaviour.

She may need solicitors in future.

(& he's a knob, he still needs to pay maintenance).

In the interests of a fair trial, he's not incapable of driving them to school, he'd just be shite at timekeeping. And he was a reasonably effective father when they were together. He's just become an arse since they split.