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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel useless for not working?

15 replies

SkyHighNoseDive · 19/09/2013 00:02

I have a 1 year old daughter, and have been struggling with anxiety about her coming to harm. I don't feel able to leave her with anyone unless she's completely happy with them, and then I have to be within earshot so if she gets upset I can get back to her. I can't think if I'm away from her and get anxious that she's upset or screaming and I'm not there.

I've not been out of the same building as her since she came home from hospital (5 weeks old). I don't mind in the sense of not having time to myself, I'd rather be with her, and when I'm with her I am completely fine, daughter is very happy, and we can do any normal things without anxiety now, it's just being away from her.
I was struggling from about 3-8 months with extreme low moods, but that seems to have all passed now, and just left me feeling anxious about her being elsewhere, but I can see more of an end to it now, I can see now that once she can talk I won't feel quite as anxious, and I'm not as scared now as when she was smaller.

But this has meant that I've given up work, and am on benefits as a single parent. I feel completely pointless, like everyone who asks if I'm back to work yet is thinking I'm lazy and selfish when I say I'm not, and I want to avoid talking to new people so I don't have to say I'm a single parent not working. It sounds so stupid saying I don't want to leave her when I can't explain how awful the panic feels without looking like a headcase, so it just looks like I can't be bothered to work and am a useless scab.

Sorry if I was rambling there

OP posts:

CocacolaMum · 19/09/2013 00:06

really? it sounds as though you are working yourself to the bone to be a good mum to me.

do you have a decentish support network? friends and such? I think a certain level of anxiety is fairly common but what you are describing here is a bit more than that and I think you know you might need a little help with it. That's good though, that you know that!

Mabelface · 19/09/2013 00:07

All you have to say is that you're happy staying at home with your little one for now. It's no one else's business. I do think it would do you good to explore why you're so anxious though, and maybe something like CBT would help you. Speak to your GP, it's not always medication that's needed.

Jellybeanz1 · 19/09/2013 00:29

You don't had to explain yourself to anyone. You are doing the most important job going. Perfectionism can spoil all your lovely precious time, placing too much anxiety on you. Cut yourself some slack and reach out to a sympathetic support group - to shower you with some of the love your giving to your little one. You may need a chat with your doctor if they are sympathetic or get information for PND from your health clinic. You need to be cared for too.

internationallove985 · 19/09/2013 00:36

I think you're forgetting. You're a mum. You're doing the hardest job in the world. You owe no apologies or explanations to anyone. xx

SamHamwidge · 19/09/2013 00:53

Are you me OP?

I am also a single mum, not working and my baby was premature, so I also have anxieties about leaving her ( though I am a very anxious person by nature anyway). In fact I went back to work.for a while but for various reasons that didn't work out. Not least because I HATED it. So I did a few sums and worked out that I could probably live for a couple of years without working. I am very very frugal though and once all the necessities are taken care of (bills, rent, food) I spend very little. I love a good bargain and go to clothes swaps, charity shops etc. I spend a lot of time at thing like play and stay with my DD.

I don't have a lot, but I do have DD, my mum and some friends and am happier than I have been in years.

These years when they are tiny, you can never get back. Taking a couple of years out to be with your little one is nothing to he ashamed of. As far as I am concerned, anyone who has a problem can jog on!

Amy106 · 19/09/2013 02:45

You are working, working hard to being a great mum.

Tellinthetruth · 19/09/2013 02:47

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Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

InsertBoringName · 19/09/2013 08:08

No, you 'soind like a twatc' Tellin.

InsertBoringName · 19/09/2013 08:11

OP, are you getting much help for your anxiety? I know how horrible it is, I had PND with my first and had the most horrible intrusive thoughts about her coming to harm. It's shit, but with the right treatment and few listening ears it can get better. In the meantime, just be kind to yourself

SPBisResisting · 19/09/2013 08:14

It's your anxiety speaking. Yes you dont work. I doubt very much that you are useless - if you were you'd be too busy watching jeremy kyle to post on here. :o get anxiety sorted and then sort out a job if you want to or circumstances dictate. Good luck

BrokenSunglasses · 19/09/2013 08:14

You need to get help to deal with this anxiety. It's not good for you or your dd. There isn't any need for you to leave your dd at the moment (apart from the fact that you should be at work to support yourself and your dd) but as she gets older, it will rub off on her. She should not have to grow up feeling responsible for keeping you happy, and you will have to leave her with other people at some point. Better to deal with it now before she starts needing to go to pre school, or you have to do something you simply can't take her to.

themaltesefalcon · 19/09/2013 08:19

Don't feel guilty, OP. Your daughter would much rather be with you than anyone else in the world. Stuff everyone else.

NeedlesCuties · 19/09/2013 08:50

She's only one year old, which is a perfectly normal age for you to still be home with her.

If your child was 16 years old and you didn't work as you were worried about leaving her I think that'd be totally different, but as it is, she's still tiny and you're doing your best for her and you.

FWIW, I have 2 kids and never left them with anyone apart from close friends or family until they were verbal. I know some people think I'm barking, but I personally just find it wrong to leave a child too young to speak with a stranger. Of course I know that some people have no option but to do that, but for me, I just couldn't bring myself to.

We all do what we think is best, you seem like a good mum, but I do think you could try to leave her maybe with your mum or something for a short time, to build your confidence.

bimbabirba · 19/09/2013 09:04

I had the exact same thing with my third DC and worked out by myself that I was suffering from post natal OCD. It sounds awful but believe me it's so common and it's nothing to be ashamed of but I must admit that it took me months to feel like this a out it.
Please go and get help from your GP.
Good luck

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 19/09/2013 09:15

It is absolutely not unreasonable for you to be a stay at home mum to your 1 year old. Whatever we decide there is always a bit of feeling that we need to explain. With each of my 3 I was back at work by this age and I felt at times I had to justify my decision. That is the way it sometimes when you are a mum. FWIW I do not feel I have to justify anything to anyone now (oldest is 12 youngest is 2) but I do believe that post natal period leaves us vulnerable and questioning ourselves.

All that said I echo others when they say that you might benefit from counselling or CBT. Not to 'get you back to work' but for your own peace of mind - so that you can relax more and enjoy your lovely daughter.

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