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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have laughed my head off when I read about a recently deceased friend?

33 replies

Bogeyface · 18/09/2013 23:22

I found out last night that he had passed away, he was a good friend and a good man. He died relatively young of (currently unexplained) but natural causes. He wife is obviously devastated as are we all and his will be a very well attended funeral.

His death was reported in the local paper tonight and when I read it I got an image in my mind of him walking into the pub quiz tomorrow like a Saint, making a big deal about what an amazing man he is. He would laugh and joke about the comments some of his friends made in the paper, and say that no one can say a bad word about him as he is clearly the new Messiah! I can just see this, he had such a wicked sense of humour, was very self depricating and would have absolutely loved to have read that about himself.

My mum said, when I was laughing and said "Who is this?! This isnt the X I know!" that it was in bad taste and I shouldn't speak ill of the dead. I'm not speaking ill of him at all, I just cant get out of my head how much he would have loved people saying such things. He will be very missed both on a personal level by everyone who knew him and on a community level too. He was that kind of man. But he knew his flaws and would never have shied away from admitting to them.

AIBU to read it and laugh at the thought of that?

OP posts:
AlpacaPicnic · 18/09/2013 23:25

No, I think that is a wonderful reaction and one that your friend would have loved.
I am sorry for your loss though. But it is nice to think of the happy times and remember someone fondly but honestly.

ItIsKnown · 18/09/2013 23:26

Not at all!

It's good that he inspired your reaction.

Sorry for the loss.

deepfriedsage · 18/09/2013 23:26

People have odd ideas about death. Do your own thing.

WilsonFrickett · 18/09/2013 23:27

YANBU. At all. I'm sorry for your loss and glad you have such great memories of someone who very much sounds like he'd be my kind of guy. Thanks

(Although you might want to keep your thoughts to yourself at the funeral..)

Doodledumdums · 18/09/2013 23:28

So sorry about your friend Sad

YANBU, I think it is lovely that it provoked a reaction like that. Much more positive than reducing you to tears. It sounds like you knew your friend well, and if he would have laughed too then it can't be an unreasonable reaction.

MrsMook · 18/09/2013 23:33

I think that's a lovely personal reaction. I'm sure it's also a shock to you which will affect it.

I certainly hope that if I had a sudden, premature end that the people who knew me wouldn't be all maudlin and Victorian about it. I'd want them to be able to smile and laugh and celebrate my life.

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2013 23:33

YANBU at all.

My family very much have an attitude like that about death...I don't know if it's an Irish thing or not?

When my Dad was booking his plot/sorting out his funeral arrangements (even though he's 81 and as strong as an ox) the lady on the phone was asking him which section of the cemetery he would like. They sorted it out and ended the call.

Then she rang back and said, "Mr Liberty I've just noticed you Mother is buried in row C...."

He interrupted her and said, "Jaysus she's not complaining now after being dead 20 years is she? Why didn't she speak up sooner if she's not comfortable?!" Grin

WorraLiberty · 18/09/2013 23:34

Forgot to add...sorry for your loss Thanks

aurynne · 18/09/2013 23:43

I know how you're feeling. I lost my best friend to a car accident 10 years ago. We used to laugh together until our bellies hurt. He had a quick wit and amazing sense of humour. The day of his funeral, an elderly women who barely knew him approached his mother and old her: "Your son was such a gentle person, he never had a bad word for anyone!". His mum and I looked at each other and almost laughed... my friend used to make fun of everything and everyone, he had a nickname for every person with an odd-looking mole, a funky nose or no hair. Sometimes he could be a bit mean. Obviously people mean well, but I just find it so bizarre how everybody becomes saintly after they die.

What really annoyed me was hearing the priest at the funeral saying "he was a good Christian". What the Hell???? He was an atheist! It is ok to say nice things, but to blatantly lie about a dead person? Surely for a religious person that should be a sin!

ErrolTheDragon · 18/09/2013 23:44

YANBU. I think there was more laughter than crying at both my parents funerals. Which was how they'd have wanted it - a celebration of good lives.

ItIsKnown · 18/09/2013 23:56

I would have pulled the priest up on that.

Speaking as someone who was married in a registry office and told to LIE by the school priest to my class that that I couldn't take communion because I had eaten a biscuit beforehand. Fucking absurd. First World Problems are the province of religious types Grin

CocacolaMum · 19/09/2013 00:08

whatever gets you through it! sorry for your loss.

Jellybeanz1 · 19/09/2013 00:19

You knew your friend best. Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
Bogeyface · 19/09/2013 00:21

Worra that just made me laugh out loud again! My fathers family are Irish and my Grandfathers funeral was heartbreaking and very funny all in one, perhaps it is an Irish thing.

He would love to see his friends getting together and laughing and crying for him, he would stand at the bar and demand everyone buy him a drink if they loved him so much :) Oh and he would have loved the picture in the paper that was taken at least 15 years ago and bears very little resemblance to the greying chap he was when I saw him on Saturday.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bogeyface · 19/09/2013 00:21

Thanks all, my mother made me feel bad, but I am sure that he wouldnt have done :)

OP posts:
Zoe678 · 19/09/2013 00:25

We are like this in my family! When my dad's step mum diex he said it was difficult choosing a sherry as it had to be good enough for the *winstanleys nbut not too good for the smiths. We All burst out laughing as she liked the finer things in life and my late granddad eyewateringly parsomonious. Was so funny.

ipswichwitch · 19/09/2013 00:25

My Gran wanted - and got - the song "wish me luck as you wave me goodbye" by Gracie Fields played at her funeral. It was brilliant, although the vicar was rather po faced about it. It did make me laugh out loud, because for all her faults she did have a wicked sense of humour :)

Shellywelly1973 · 19/09/2013 00:44

This thread is so relevant to me at thwarting moment.

My Mil died on Tuesday morning. She was possibly one of the most unconventionial grandmothers/ mother /Mil I've met. She was a rebellions teenager stuck in a 68 year old body.

She was a raging alcoholic until 10years ago. Smoked, swore & still liked the occasional drink...god i loved Her.

I loved her 'don't give a shit attuide' If you didnt like her, it was your loss, according to her...!

She wasn't a great mother but she was a fantastic Nan. I loved her, i loved the individual she was not because she was my mum, sister, aunt or grandmother. I miss her...

Shellywelly1973 · 19/09/2013 00:45

Thwarting? Bloody predictive textin, excuse typos Im on my phone.

Original poster
Bogeyface · 19/09/2013 00:48

Shelley I am so sorry that you lost her, she sounds like the sort of person I would get right along with!

OP posts:
ItIsKnown · 19/09/2013 01:08

Shelley she sounds fabulous and I am sorry for your loss.

My MIL is a pillar of the community but regularly goes on benders to her mate's house where things are smoked that even I don't!

ItIsKnown · 19/09/2013 01:16

Shelley I hope you are okay x

ZingWantsCake · 19/09/2013 01:50

sorry for your losses.

the last time I spoke to my dad we said what we always did : "speak to you soon!"

In Hungary you get these flower wreaths with a wide long ribbon attached that have some special words of your choice printed on like a verse or "in memory of..."

mine said " speak to you soon". I had to.
and I wore a red dress to his funeral, because I was pg with DS5 and refused to wear black. He knew I was always a bit of a rebel and I knew it made him laugh!

Latara · 19/09/2013 08:33

I was very upset when my Grandad died aged 89 but remembering his last words always brings a smile to my face.

He had a wicked sense of humour and it was very appropriate that his last words made us laugh through our tears.

YANBU.

HorryIsUpduffed · 19/09/2013 08:39

YANBU although I agree with pps that it might be tactful to restrict that kind of reaction to your own home for fear of offending the sensitive.

Do write (properly on nice paper or a card) to his wife telling her how fantastic you thought he was, with apt anecdotes if suitable moments come to mind.