Aibu to think this will be a disaster! ...So tired :(

[Zoomania]

Feel silly to be getting upset about this but not sure what to do.

I have been breast feeding my daughter for 20 months which we both love.

I am down to one feed at night which gets her to sleep. She then wakes up to 3x per night (in our bed most of the night) before getting up at 5 am. until a few months ago I rarely slept more than 2-3 hours at a stretch and am chronically shattered.

I now want to try for a sibling for her and will likely need IVF again so they have advised I need to stop breast feeding completely for 6m before then.

My problem is that she only falls asleep feeding and spends the last half an hour before bedtime getting upset and asking for milk. She still craves the experience and dives at me in delight when it is time.

How do I stop? I feel guilty that I am only forcing her to stop before she is ready for my fertility and am dreading losing our evenings again which we have only really got back in the last few months. She can keep up hysterical screaming for hours, and that is whilst being cuddled.

Any tips, advice very much welcome. How do you stop a toddler breastfeeding against their will :(

In the day she naps in the buggy and will not let me lower her into the cot without screaming. I have over the last 20 months at various times tried lots of different methods of sleep training (except controlled crying which i will not do) but have ended up co sleeping and feeding to sleep as the only route that keeps me sane.
Thank you

Ok this sounds silly but have you tried talking to her? Both of mine responded surprisingly well when, at bedtime, I said firmly that it was time to sleep. My second is 21 months and I tell her I'm going to put her in her cot (after a BF) - we have a cuddle for anywhere between 10-20 mins then she relaxes enough to let me put her down then I hold her hand. Then I leave the room after telling her I was going for dinner and good night.

Just wondering why you don't feed her half an hour before bedtime when she's asking? If she's waking early she will be chronically tired too and might well need a super early bedtime. An earlier feed could be your key to getting her to self settle then dropping BF.

I stopped BF my eldest reluctantly (he was 26 months) by introducing a beaker of milk earlier in the routine, then he'd not take quite as much in a BF. that meant I could get DH to do bedtime when I wasn't there - he just did the same with a beaker. So ds got used to no BF. then we moved ds to a bed and he'd be so excited about getting into bed, he'd not always want a feed and gradually stopped asking. For the other feeds, I swapped with a beaker and used distraction to help him forget. But I wasn't strict about not feeding - if he asked, then I would.

Also do you need to stop now? Can you set a target of say stopping when she's 2?

I had some luck with the approach from the baby whisperer- pick up put down. Also says in her book to let dad/granny etc do bedtime as they don't have any milk so she knows she can't have it.

YANBU btw.

My daughter is 24 months & was exactly the same. About a fortnight ago we decided to try new routine. I do bath pyjamas and bf on our bed with lights on so DD doesn't fall asleep, then OH comes up & takes DD to bed. He sits with her on lap & reads stories then puts music on & puts her in cot encouraging her to lie down. There were tears first 2 nights but he sat right next to her cot & just kept repeating that it's sleep time & Daddy is staying right here etc. It's exactly a fortnight tonight since we started and already she's getting much better at going to sleep by herself. She's not bf as long either so I'm expecting her to gradually stop. If she wakes in the night she won't settle for me so I have to send OH in!!

At 24mnths DD is old enough to understand staying in cot & lying down etc so I was happy to start teaching her. Up until now I've been soft and have fed her whenever she woke up! I think it's good for me to have a bit of a break and also good for DD's relationship with her dad.

Also agree with petalsandstars let OH do bedtime. I even went out the 1st 2 nights. DD thought I had gone to work!!!

Yep, get Dad to do bedtime for a few nights to break the association.

definitely get someone else to do bedtimes for a few days to break the habit, it worked for us. And yy to explaining it to her, they understand a lot at that age.

Thank you for all the replies.

In response to some of the questions... The time factor for stopping now is so that we can start trying IVF next year as I don't want to leave it any longer as we may need several attempts /my age etc etc

I have started trying to talk to her about having cuddles and cows milk instead etc but she screams and pulls at my top. Ditto being left in cot...hysterical screaming and vomiting noises etc and real distress... When younger could keep up screaming for 2 hours with pick up put down, shush pat etc. they all seem to rely on you consoling in between and she gets in such a state that not consolable except with feed.

She goes up to bed with my husband at 6 for bath, cuddles and stories and I go in 6.30 for a feed and feed her to sleep. It is during this time with him that she now shouts and cries for me/milk and won't even sit through a story. Although thank you that has given me an idea ...perhaps I should do a short feed then hand over to DH for story and bed and cows milk and attempted sleep and then cut out the last feed....

Please don't take this in the wrong way but her screaming and pulling your top etc is bad behaviour. Do not allow it. It's getting to the age when she has to be taught that her behaviour will not be allowed to happen. Pulling at your top and screaming for hours is not acceptable. SHe is making herself sick. This will not kill her. She is capable of stopping.

She's still young so obv you can go in in the same manner as you would with a 4 YO for example but at 20 months old... I would not accept that.

Be firm. 'NO DD, you do NOT pull mummy's top. We are going to bed soon and you can have some cows milk' 'DD after cows milk (whilst she is drinking) it is sleep time' Don't tell her what is happening right now, tell her what will be happening in a few mins. Children respond well when they are informed and know what's coming.

You are not asking her, you are telling her. Ignore all attempts for attention/to wear you down. You can have time at bedtime when she has learned what will be happening and accepted it. It's not up for negotiation.

We went with the "special" milk at bedtime approach. Hot chocolate, or a babyccino (hot milk with froth and a sprinkle of cinnamon) in a small mug/ special cup.

I started Ds1 like this witha small biscuit (low sugar baby biscuit) to begin with, then gradually as he forgot, lost the biscuit and eventually went to cold milk and then nothing!!

"special" was the key!!

DS2 has just dropped his last feed in the same way at nearly 3

Jazz that is a brilliant idea!

Slobathome ...totally agree with you. Not taken wrong way ! Although she doesn't ask in the day time and behaviour is good then we seem to have always been locked into sleeping battles where through sheer exhaustion I have eventually given in to feeding so she has learnt that screaming and crying will eventually get her milk or at night cuddles with me not DH.

I like your idea too Jazz as she does like rituals and I might be able to make a big deal of it. Thank you

I stopped bf DD at 12 months as I was going back to work and we wanted to try for another. She is now 22 months and some of the things we have done more recently might help now (sorry if you are already doing them).

She woke for months saying "snack" in the night and we always had some malt loaf (nice and filling) and cows milk\water to hand and DH went in.

If I used to bend to put her in her cot she instantly woke up, we recently took the side off (it's a cot bed) and bought one of those toddler cot sides and got her a duvet and pillow with owls on. She loves being able to climb in bed herself and loves pointing out the owls! I think part of the key is to make bedtime fun (in a relaxing way too). We honestly only had 2 nights where she got out of bed !

I let her pick which book she wants to read - "do you want to read Gruffolo" "Night Night Book" etc and negotiate a bit "Ok we read Gruffolo, then Mummy sit here/Daddy come in for a kiss, then sleep time" (that sort of thing really). I do sometimes have to sit on the floor until she is asleep but that's probably 20 mins in total (rather than 40 of pick up put down before we took the side off)

Update- thank you all so much! Since posting we came up with a new routine and talked about it over and over and have religiously stuck at it and the results have been amazing. We do bath, pjs, teeth etc, cuddle and story with DH and then I hold her for the time it takes him to make a 'special milk' (frothy warm milk with cinnamon) . In that time she has had shorter and shorter feeds so now she has a one sec check each side that 'it is all gone' ! Then she excitedly listens out for him coming upstairs. Then milk with him and we describe slowly her favourite day out. Then she lies down in her cot, holds his hand and goes to sleep. Within 10 mins!

This routine has worked all week this week when he has been away and hasn't fussed me for more breast milk and even days when she has been grizzling to get out of cot it hasn't been distress edd crying and when it gets worse I give her an option of me going downstairs or me staying and holding her hand and she chooses the hand!

Thank you all so so much! Sleep at night variable with only one wake up when she comes into our bed but usually 3 or 4 and occasionally 5.00. Slightly sad about stopping the bf but she is happy which is all that matters.

Now annoyed at MIL who was just shocked that I wasn't shutting door and going downstairs for the last yr. ...gggrgh! I think we have made massive progress thanks to all of you!