Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws

18 replies

Karlee24 · 18/09/2013 13:41

In laws have never bothered with their grandchildren, only visiting once a year, expecting children to perform. Husband is now feeling bad about situation as his brother has just had a baby and they are visiting them all the time. After husband confronted his parents, they say they don't visit because of me and that I should feel bad about this. Should I?

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 18/09/2013 13:50

Have they given any reasons as to what it is about you?
Regardless, your kids are their grandchildren so they should give all equal attention.

BlingBang · 18/09/2013 14:02

Depends on what you are like I suppose.

TidyDancer · 18/09/2013 14:06

Yeah, it very much depends on what exactly their issue is with you? Did they specify? Have you done anything that would upset them?

diddl · 18/09/2013 14:33

Unless you are an absolute screaming harpy to them, then no, I don't think you should feel bad tbh.

My ILs would never visit just me & the kids.

Their loss!

My mum would have crawled over broken glass to see her GC.

If ILs could only face seeing their only GC if their only son was there as well, then they could fuck off as far as I was concerned.

Fortunately, my husband agreed & we rarely bothered with them.

We are abroad now & they have never been here!

PTFO · 18/09/2013 14:40

Sounds like a cop out on their behalf. If they had a problem they should have addressed it with you or your DH, they didn't, they choose to ignore GC instead. So now they have upset their son AND ignored their own GC. Not very adult. They could have taken GC out for the day without you but no.

What is it they say you have done? I hope your DH stood up for you.

zatyaballerina · 18/09/2013 14:48

It depends what you're like. People won't visit if they are made to feel uncomfortable. They need to spend time with the gc to bond with them, if they never felt they could visit and weren't able to spend time alone with them they didn't get the chance to bond so aren't as likely to put up with to much just to see them. I'd also say that maybe they feared building a relationship with them for fear of it being used against them/losing contact when the parents fall out....

They may be cunts or they may be normal people reacting to one. There isn't enough information in your post to tell.

What we can tell is they obviously feel welcome in bils home, so they visit.

Original poster
Karlee24 · 18/09/2013 15:02

Thanks for comments. We did visit them when son was small. He was very insecure as he didn't reall know them which was made worse by the fact he had to sit on a wicker mat each time he ate anything in case he made a mess( quite difficult when you are 2 and very active)! In laws took us out then FIL was involved in road rage incident where he threatened to stab someone, so after that I refused to visit.
He has just sent nasty email saying I am a bad mother and too controlling. I am now starting to doubt myself but the other part of me just says stuff them!

OP posts:
brass · 18/09/2013 15:02

well it says an awful lot about them doesn't it?

they haven't attempted to solve any issues through their son, choosing instead to punish all of you through the children

I'd say you're better off out of it

diddl · 18/09/2013 15:14

You know if I hated my dil, I'd like to think that I could be polite for a few hrs every so often for the sake of my son & GC.

You're controlling???

FIL sounds like a dick & your son won't miss out by not seeing him!

EllesAngel · 18/09/2013 15:37

So your son had to sit on a wicker mat in case he made a mess, your fil threatened to stab someone in front of you, your son, your dh? and he says you're a bad mother and controlling Shock

OP, don't doubt yourself, trust me it's not you.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 18/09/2013 15:52

Did you kill their cat? If not then I don't think so.

eatriskier · 18/09/2013 16:23

Wow - I seriously doubt your DCs are missing much with them not visiting. Like others have said, it says a lot about them if they can't be civil in your company for a few hours for the sake of their son and GCs. Actually it says an awful lot that until your DH mentioned something too them they had never brought anything up before nor tried to arrange something whereby they can see the GCs and not you. They're clutching at straws to hide their bad behaviour and tbh, theyre totally confirming it with emails like that. Please show your DH those emails so he can see what's happening for himself. I feel sorry for your DH though, this can't be nice for him. Don't doubt yourself, I wouldn't be visiting my own parents with the DCs if they'd done that in front of my DCs.

PTFO · 18/09/2013 17:54

oh dear god, the chicken shit FIL sent you an email, what a coward. They don't want a relationship otherwise they would have had a conversation to explain how they feel, they want to blame you, as a get out clause. If they blame you then it cant be their fault, and it hides their terrible behaviour. (I swear this must be in the bad inlaws handbook)

They cant say your controlling and a terrible mother if they have not been around to witnessed it, nor if indeed you are those things (I don't think you are) given you a chance to explain and change and build a relationship- they choose to avoid/ignore you all, that was their choice.

They sound nasty, playing the favourite game with the BIL/SIL. Show the emails to your DH.

Anyway what kind of nut job threatens to stab someone. yeah perfect GP behaviour!!

pianodoodle · 18/09/2013 18:04

I think if my FIL threatened to stab someone while taking me and DD out then I'd become quite "controlling" too... and rightly so!

breatheslowly · 18/09/2013 18:46

As I read the wicker mat bit I though that they sounded fairly reasonable - children are normally expected to sit still while eating, though not normally on a wicker mat. However the threatening to stab someone incident is pretty awful.

Then again, I am not really sure why you would want your DC to have a relationship with someone that you aren't willing to vsit yourself.

Inertia · 18/09/2013 19:16

To be honest if FIL has threatened to stab someone I'd happily avoid them and keep them away from my children. Once a year contact is still too often to expose children to a violent thug.

IamSlave · 18/09/2013 19:40

Having to sit on a wicker mat sounds very odd. I think we have gone cleaning mad in this country I really do. For a one off visit, do they have to force the child to sit on a matt in case of mess!? Every week, maybe, but a one off visit?

Should your DH really care about whether they visit, its so hard we all want to be loved and accepted, but sometimes, being ignored is actually rather lucky....sounds like it in this case.

Its not what I would want my DC exposed to!

CeliaFate · 18/09/2013 19:43

I wouldn't want to be around anyone who threatened to stab someone in a road rage accident. Yanbu. I hope your dh sticks up for you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page