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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

why should i be expected to rely on my kids to care for me in old age?

21 replies

mrsfuzzy · 18/09/2013 12:48

'at least with loads of kids you've got them to look after you in your old age' i was laughingly told yesterday. eh? sorry but aibu to want my kids to live their lives without having to run around me in 40 years time ? some help would be good but i don't expect them to put their lives on hold, i didn't have kids so i would have 'nurses' in my dotage, what do other posters think ?

OP posts:

Sirzy · 18/09/2013 12:50

I think its great as if a family you are close enough to all help look after each other when needed BUT I don't think their should be any expectation of long term continuous care when someone gets older. Looking after them and making sure they are safe/cared for yes but not necessarily taking on the day to day caring roll (if that makes sense?)

CreatureRetorts · 18/09/2013 12:50

Well that's whats families should be about IMO. We are increasingly selfish in this world and the world is worse for it.

You don't have to expect it of your kids but it would be sad if they didn't want to. Their life doesnt have to be on hold to help their parents.

Bowlersarm · 18/09/2013 12:51

They may not even reside in the same country if they've buggered off for better opportunities abroad.

Sirzy · 18/09/2013 12:55

Their life doesnt have to be on hold to help their parents.

Sometimes the care needs of someone would mean just that would need to happen for the family to take on caring and this isn't something that should be expected.

My mum put her life on hold for 15 years to care for her parents. She did so happily but I can fully understand why it wouldn't be possible for everyone.

gordyslovesheep · 18/09/2013 12:56

Lordy I would never expect my kids to look after me and my mum has expressed the same sentiment.

NomDeOrdinateur · 18/09/2013 13:03

I actually like the idea of inter-generational family homes when it works for everybody involved, but I agree that it will be very unjust if we shift the burden of responsibility for elderly dependents off the state and onto the next of kin. Life is hard enough for the current generation of young people - many will have to relocate A LOT for work, make do with very little family/leisure time due to odd shifts and weekend work, and pay well over the odds for essentials like shelter, food and necessary transport. Having to prioritise the needs of even one dependent elderly relative (never mind the eight that some families could end up with, if both members of a couple have parents who have divorced and remarried) could place some serious strain on marriages, as well as siphoning off time and energy that's needed for raising children and pursuing a career. It has the potential to reverse a lot of the progress that feminism has made over the past couple of centuries, since caring roles disproportionally fall to women.

Also - what about the fact that many elderly people really need specialised care, due to the nature of their illnesses? And what about toxic/abusive family relationships? And what about the fact that younger generations of a family are likely to have problems of their own which mean that they can't cope with the addition of another huge responsibility?

Original poster

mrsfuzzy · 18/09/2013 13:09

thanks everyone, we have a very close family but the kids must do their thing in life, i'm sure it would include me and dh sometimes but i from my time as a nurse with the elderly i've heard it too often how grown up kids 'don't want to be burdened', so sad really but it is surprising the number of people who moaned about nursing home fees as they felt it was 'their inheritance being wasted'. sorry that's digressing, and 'no ethics and morality do not allow me to give your parent extra meds to help them along' some people sicken me. had to get that off my chest, sorry.

OP posts:

SelectAUserName · 18/09/2013 13:20

I worry about this in the future. I'm an only child, have had to relocate for work so live over 200 miles from my parents and am already carer for my older disabled DH. Much as I love them, I honestly don't know how I'd cope if the expectation of caring for one or both of my parents full-time raised its head while my DH still needs his current levels of care. :(

dreamingofsun · 18/09/2013 13:28

in theory it may sound good, in practise the 4 weeks my mum was with us resulted in:

me realising i would have to give up work to look after, which would mean poor retirement for my husband, and lots of student debt for kids plus probably having to move to a smaller house in order to afford mortgage
kids being woken during night...not great during lifechanging exams
husband being woken in night....not great when he had to travel 200 miles on limited sleep and then work
me being in effect a prisoner in my own home.

lots of people judge, but have no practical experience and think this is all rosy.

Original poster

mrsfuzzy · 18/09/2013 13:31

select, i feel for your situation, it's so difficult to know what to do, i'm an only child too and it is hard when everything rests on your shoulders and there is noone to help, by all means think ahead but try not to let it cloud your life you share with your dh. be kind to yourself and stay strong, i'm sure things will work out in time for you, good luck and best wishes.

OP posts:

livinginwonderland · 18/09/2013 13:32

A lot of times, it's not possible to look after elderly relatives. If mine or DP's parents needed help, we couldn't do it. We both work and neither of us drive. His parents live over an hour away and mine are six hours away having just moved. It wouldn't be possible for us to really put any time or money into caring for them. It's sad but that's reality to some people. They couldn't stay with us and we can't move because DP has a young DD here.

I'd like to say "of course I would look after my parents" but in reality it's just not possible.

WetGrass · 18/09/2013 13:37

Cos if that was how the world worked, it'd be a poke in the eye for everyone that tutted at my DC fOr existing in a public place, and everyone that rolled their eyes when I declined a 6pm meeting request, and everyone that looked pityingly at Mum-uniform and bleary eyes before turning around to chat up my husband.

I'd be eating caviar with beautiful blonde grandchildren massaging my feet - while they'd be sitting on a mattress stuffed full of tenners earned doing overtime I couldn't do.

But it isn't. So I won't. And we'll all share our resources - including the labour of my children when they're grown.

(crawls back under my bridge).

dreamingofsun · 18/09/2013 13:37

a word of caution though livinginwonderland. what would you do if you had a call from a neighbour saying one parent had to go into hospital suddenly and the other couldn't be left at home alone as they couldn't look after themselves? Thats what happened to me one day during my dinner prep. I had to drive for 3 hours directly after dinner, leaving my older kids at home by themselves. stay the night and then bring her back.

there was no alternative except for emergency social services or just risking it - which wasn't acceptable under the circumstances.

livinginwonderland · 18/09/2013 13:41

I couldn't bring anyone here. I live in a tiny flat with DP and a flatmate. There's no spare room or sofa to sleep on. They would have to go into emergency care. I don't drive and there is no way on earth I could afford the £100+ at the last minute to get the train to where they are.

That's just life. I'm poor and my family aren't anywhere near here through their choice, not mine.

dreamingofsun · 18/09/2013 13:42

and liviing - i too work. luckily i was allowed to work from home and had a good boss. but chairing an audio conference and having an elderly mother calling you at the same time is no fun (espec when they can't indticate the urgency ......ie between wanting the TV channel changed or an emergency trip to the toilet.

PeppiNephrine · 18/09/2013 13:42

Whats with all the overanalysing of small talk around here? Seriously, get a hobby, its just people being passremarkable.

vj32 · 18/09/2013 13:52

DP's Gran is in a nursing home. She has dementia and can't be looked after by family.

She deteriorated so fast that at first it thought it would be more confusing for her if she was moved. She didn't want to leave her own home (which was a long way from all her family). Then she developed other medical problems, several prolonged hospital stays and needed 24 hour care, which her savings paid for. Now she needs constant care, doesn't know who anyone is and doesn't leave her bed. She has gone from just being occasionally a bit muddled (like old people sometimes are) to not recognizing her family in 3 years. At no point for different reasons was her moving in with relatives a practical option.

I don't expect my DS to care for me in old age - its hard enough if you are the next of kin to co-ordinate finances, Doctor's appointments etc for an elderly relative. Personal care goes to the professionals. I don't think anyone who has seen what it is like to care for an elderly relative would want it for their own kids.

SelectAUserName · 18/09/2013 13:54

Thank you mrsfuzzy. Likewise.

Pachacuti · 18/09/2013 13:54

It depends what they mean by "look after" there's a difference between providing daily nursing care for a parent and just generally keeping an eye out for them. For example, my MIL would pop over to her parents' house (about an hour away) once a week or so, pick up some shopping for them on her way, go to important appointments with them if they wanted that sort of thing. And she helped them put other arrangements in place to cover a bit of day-to-day help.

Your children don't have to do any of that, of course they don't. And they may not be geographically close enough to do it even if they were willing. But your friend is right that the more children one has the greater the likelihood that at least one of them will be near enough to help out occasionally. And if you had oodles of children nearby then you could have one of them pop in every couple of days without the burden on each individual child being particularly great.

CoTananat · 18/09/2013 13:56

If my MIL outlives her DP she will sell up and move in with us. We have discussed it for several years. I expect to care for her, and probably my DF too. I already care 24/7 for my DH as well as working so I do know what this entails.

We've decided this because I have extensive RL experience of the care industry in this country. Unsupervised care for us will be only a last resort. An "or death" choice. We could not live happily knowing our parents were living like that.

It's not a great future, but IMO morally it's the right choice.

SignoraStronza · 18/09/2013 14:04

YANBU. My parents feel exactly the same way (but they've never really 'done' family anyway) and live 4 hours away. Unfortunately my dh's family are completely the opposite - his cousin had to recently take a career break to care for his widowed elderly father. Without meaning to sound unsympathetic, am quite worried about the future in this respect. Thankfully I love my mil to bits, but we're the only ones (out of his two siblings) who live nearby and his family line has a history of dementia and longevity!

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