To not tell anyone which is my older child?

[rattling]

I have twin boys, so the difference is a matter of minutes rather than years When they were about 2 (personalities really showing themselves) I decided that I wouldn't be telling anyone which one was the older twin. Possibly if they had a different birth order I wouldn't have thought about it, but I can really imagine DT1 (even on here I don't normally distinguish them like that) using it against his brother.

Anyway, like most of my decisions, it seems that my friends and family (ie those who I'd happily explain myself to) seem to be entirely fine with this. No-one has queried it at all. But I've had a couple of faces from virtual strangers who've only asked the question as something to say really. I doubt they care or would remember who was older.

Is it a weird decision to make?

Its a really odd attitude. They will find out, and they will wonder why you made such a big deal about it. In fact you are in danger of yourself causing the problems you seem to want to avoid.
And pissing off polite strangers while you're doing it.

Rattling I do the same! My twin girls are almost 10 and still don't know birth order as its not relevant, they just tell people they were born at the same time!
When they need to know, that's when I'll tell them, but it is to maintain the unnecessary need for arguments over who is the oldest/youngest, therefore favoured or in charge.
I had people try to guess who was oldest when they were babies by presuming whoever looked slightly bigger at that moment. In that sense, surely the youngest would be biggest as they had more growing time ha ha.

I think it's not really an issue but if you see DT1 using it to lord over his brother then what you're doing is fine

Children will always aim to compete- surely the role of a parent is to teach when that is appropiate rather than simply quit the race?

If you were that worried couldn't you just make sure that sometimes you specify which one was first and which one was second and then other times you say who was second and who was first.

It seems to be just making a mountain out of a molehill, people are trying to be polite- it would make me feel awkward and that I'd asked something I shouldn't have if I got refused a question like that. most people don't refuse the question of the gender of their child, this is even less meaningful than that.

How very odd. Aren't you being a bit attention seeking by trying to do something different to the main?

Surely it is no big deal. The majority of siblings have one who is older than the other - what is the problem with that?

Your friends and family presumably know which is the older anyway so wouldn't have a problem with it!!!

Why is it different for twins or triplets? Surely any older sibling tries to lord it over the younger and it is for the parent to parent and control this?

Do people really care about this? Do twins really care about it?

Genuine question. I mean I know little children care about random things like who has the longest pencil, but beyond that ...

I ask because it has never occurred to me to ask a twin, or anyone with twins - by definition they are the same age

I am sure that if asked the twin or triplet would have an opinion. However my dds have an opinion on where they are in the age range of our family!!! They often talk about the advantages of one over another,or which is most important etc - mainly in squabbles! If it wasn't 'you are younger than me so I get to choose' or 'I am the baby of the family therefore I should choose', then I am sure it would be 'I am the tallest therefore I get to choose' or 'I am the smallest therefore I get to choose'.

I personally, really cannot see the issue or the difference for twins as opposed to other siblings. Surely it is one defining difference for them to have for them personally - and the twins and triplets I know love to have that as they like to have something that differentiates them from being simply the same age as their brother or sisters.

At a twin convention that I went to this summer, there was a talk where the speaker said it is quite common to do this now and it's considered better for the twins not to know.

Having said that, I'm the older twin and I don't think me or my sister have ever made a big deal of being the older or younger one.

frogwatcher

I can see that - particularly for identical twins?

Well, my mum is a twin and those 20 minutes count for everything 81 years later. I think it has coloured their whole lives.

Good for you for treating them equally.

I too think you're trying to make a big issue out of a non issue.

If the problem is that one child will use the simple fact of technically being older, against their sibling, then surely as a parent you teach them that that's not ok. Same for twins or any other sibling set. It seems odd to feel that you aren't empowered as a parent to deal with petty childish rivalry in a better way, and are resorting to keeping something about your children secret from them as a way to prevent rivalry. For a start, they'll simply find something else to feel superior about: who is tallest / bravest/ runs fastest.
If you had children who were singletons you wouldn't be able to resort to keeping such a secret just to try to keep the peace... I don't know, it just comes across a bit feeble to need to resort to that. I also think children have a right to know their birth story- time of birth, weight etc. fair enough to not tell total strangers if you choose not to- but not to tell them is weird

Jamie - the twins and triplets I was thinking of when I wrote the post are non identical. But one of my friends has identical twins and thinking about it, yes, I think they probably do need that time difference more. They love the fact that one of them is the 'big sister' to the 'other' (although 'big' sister is actually smaller physically - but then so is my middle dd even though she is a lot older than her younger sister).

It's entirely up to you, and people should accept that. If assumptions can be staved off, that can only be a good thing.