Help me get my head around this.

[GhostsInSnow]

I feel like I'm currently living with a very large elephant in the room, and I have no idea what to do. I apologise, this will be long as I don't want to drip feed.

Beginning of this year my SIL began posting some pretty nasty, racisit meme type crap on Facebook. At the time my FIL was in hospital and being treated by mostly muslim Dr's so it especially angered me that she could be so horrible given they were trying to save her Fathers life. DH agreed with me, had a bit of a moan at her and she promptly went off in a huff and deleted us all from FB. Not especially bothered by this as we aren't close and she doesn't live locally.
When FIL became really sick we did become FB friends again as it was easier to keep in touch that way. Sadly he passed away.

About a month ago I read a meme on my timeline that made me howl with laughter, it was basically a piss take of the Muslim woman in the supermarket. It ended with 'Get the feck out of my imaginary supermarket'. It was an hilarious dig at the original 'offended muslim' story. I read it out loud to DD and DS who were sat beside me, both laughed. OH was sat in the room as well and though he smiled he didn't comment. I shared the meme and thought no more of it.

That night I find SIL has blocked me on FB again, no biggie, not really bothered, but turns out she's decided that I posted the meme to have a go at her and even better she tells OH this who instantly believes that I did this just to upset his sister and he thought when I read it out I was having a dig at her (yet he said nothing and still laughed). I'm fuming, she never actually entered my head. Huge row ensues which MIL interjects herself into the middle of basically saying that 'they have noticed I'm always moody' etc.
By this point I'm steaming. OH and MIL have been sat having little convos about me behind my back. Things have been tense in our house over the last 12 months or so, OH works a long way away and has a huge commute. It means he is usually tired and grumpy and he does take it out on me. Most of the time I bite my tongue but every now and then I snap back - ergo I'M the moody one!

I replied to MIL by text, rather politely actually asking if she had considered that her son was so stressed and tired he was snappy and that actually I'm not the moody one? No reply.

I tried to call SIL to discuss why she assumed the meme was aimed at her, OH snatched the phone from my hands and said "If you call her our marriage is over!" I did call her. She wouldn't answer the phone to me. In the end I sent another polite text basically saying that it wasn't aimed it her, however, I'd had enough of the whole thing and please don't contact me again. Whilst all this is going on OH then tries to wrestle my mobile phone out of my hand yelling "AND THATS MINE, GIVE IT TO ME!!" (he gave me his contract upgrade). I have to physically shove him off me and I lock myself in the bathroom.

DD came to me later and showed me her FB, she was still friends with SIL. SIL is now posting pretty nasty stuff about me, DD is upset. Not wanting DD in the middle of it (she's nearly 16) once again I text SIL and said that if she couldn't resist posting that type of thing on FB please remove DD because its not fair for her to have her read posts from her Aunt slagging off her Mother. Obviously SIL couldn't stop because DD is then deleted.

A tense truce is called. I don't see nor hear from SIL (happily), but MIL is seemingly avoiding me. She stops calling the house when she knows OH isn't in and stops texting. OH carries on as if nothing has happened, visiting her alone etc. OH asks 'how long am I going to carry this on for' I point out that his Mother has called this house daily at 4pm for the last ten years to see how DD has gone on at school and yet has suddenly stopped. I'm carrying nothing on, she obviously doesn't want to speak to me, a point further made when I answered the phone anyway one night and she was vile to me, really short. From then on in she texts OH before she calls!

Again nothing more is said until Monday night when DD comes to me again. She and SIL are FB friends again, and SIL's latests posts are so very obviously aimed at me. I show OH. Now bearing what happened when his sister accused me of posting about her I was floored when he read her posts and told me I was 'Imagining things'. DD is disgusted with SIL, deletes and blocks her. OH is still defending SIL.

So here we are again, uneasy truce. It seems to be the case, as it has always been, that OH's family come first, I fall in somewhere second. If they do something to upset me, its my fault. I've carried this for over a month now and finally told my Mum everything that has been going on. She wants me to pack up and come home. I married a man who will never defend me, never put me before his family and will never change. I'm happy to cut his entire family off (and have done to some extent) but as I say, it's an elephant in the room that will keep reappearing. Part of me does want to leave him. I feel utterly lost in it all and I feel like emptying the savings account and buggering off somewhere.

Oh what a mess! I can't advise as only you know whether you really want to leave him or not, but I can say that my DH wouldn't dream of putting his relations over his family (ie me and our DS's).

I suggest maybe you ask for this to be moved to Relationships as you may get better advice from there, rather than AIBU.

Juice Why are you with him? You haven't mentioned any positives about the relationship, and clearly if your DD is getting stuck in the middle of these arguments then there's little point in staying together for her sake.

Sorry to hear how lost you feel in such an awful situation juiceortiz. Your husband should indeed be putting you and your daughter first. I hope this works out for you soon. Your daughter sounds lovely.

I've asked myself daily for the last month why I'm here. I put this in AIBU because I was questioning whether I was, I was raised to believe that a man put his wife and kids first. I thought maybe I'd got that skewed in my head.

15 years ago his Mother and Sister had my barricaded in my kitchen when they rounded on my for something, I had DS in my arms at the time. SIL's words were 'You will never be part of this family!' and I've never felt like I was really. DD has sat quietly over the years and observed. I never realised until very recently just how observant she has been. She wasn't at home when the majority of the row happened, but as MIL called her to fill her in on it she knew what was going on.

We've been together for 20 years, DD is our youngest at 15 (16 in 2 weeks), DS has left home now. I feel like I'm biding my time to get DD off to college and then going. I don't think he loves me, and if he does it doesn't seem to be enough to fight for me anymore.

Have nothing to do with these toxic people, simply for the reason your children do not need vile behaviour in their lives,

If you husband wants to continue contact with abusive racist people, that is entirely up to him,

But set a good example to your child, that you avoid people who are nasty, be polite if you have to interact, but find a better use of energy, than this negative stuff,

'You will never be part of this family!

Say to yourself,"Good I would never want to be associated with such behaviour". Once they realise you don't see it as a loss not being in contact, they might start to look at themselves a bit, that is up to them.

Focus on the positive people and show your children how not to allow negative people dominate your life.

As for your DH, well he needs to have a long hard think about the implications on his wife and children about his actions or lack of actions, but that up to him to realise, don't waste your breath explaining it to him, he can't hear you because he doesn't want to.

Tell him to meet his mother sister else where until they can be polite and respectful towards you and your family in your own home, a reasonable request that can only be refuted, by someone who wants to mean.

God you poor thing. Sounds horrendous ! DH and I get stuck in shit arguing ruts when we are just horrible to each other when he's stressed at work. It feels a lot like he's taking it out on me but this is on a whole different level.

What happens if you ask, as non-confrontationally as possible, whether he does love you and whether he would be prepared to have your back because you are feeling that he is not protecting your from his family? Is he likely to soften and then see where you are coming from? My husband is quite inflexible in his thinking (although the reverse may seem true to him) and it can be hard for us to understand where each other are coming from but it is easier to do if there isn't too much aggression going on.

If he can't do this then i don't think there's any point in waiting until your daughter has left home to work this out. You need to work it out if you still both love each other or you need to seperate and live lives that might make you happier.

I also totally agree with Quote that the in-laws behaviour has been abysmal and unforgivable, particularly the sister in laws.

Fortunately neither his Mother or Sister will show their faces here I don't think. After the incident where I was locked in the kitchen I called my Mum who called the inlaws house and spoke to FIL. FIL didn't know whats where MIL and SIL had gone, nor what they had done and I think to some extent he reeled MIL's behaviour in a bit. Now he's gone she's just going to get on with it I think, and with nobody to tell her she's being unreasonable she'll just crack on with it.

Calloh, if I said that to him I can almost guarantee he'd say something like he's not falling out with his family over this and he wont get involved in it. What he doesn't see is that he is involved already.

Quote, you are right, and I don't want to be involved with these people. I don't want to be part of that family. I don't want my children a part of it either really but they are old enough where those decisions really have to come from them.

I guess I'm just uneasy waiting for the next 'attack' so to speak. I don't feel loved by him in any way. I'm so incredibly hurt by the fact that even after 20 years he could think I would purposely do something to antagonise his sister, and when she clearly does something like that to me I'm imagining it. I just don't know if I can get past that.

Then go. Be happy somewhere else without the worry of his moods.

He's being a total dick and if he can't even acknowledge that I don't see how you an get past it.

It doesn't sound like there's anything in this marriage for you at all, and also your daughter is seeing the damage and experiencing it for herself. She needs to delete and block her aunt, no need for her to see the bile that's being spewed and you need to take her and leave. My husband works long hours and is tired, but he doesn't take out his tiredness on me. That's not normal. Put you and your daughter first.

Firstly you need to get off FB. Knowing the previous problems you had with your in laws why did you need to share the joke on fb? These latest issues are all to do with FB, are you all a bunch of teenagers?

Why are you even trying so hard with your in laws. Can't you even avoid this whole issue, especially with your DH by just not bringing them up. If they contact you, don't contact you why are you concerned. With all the issues you are having with them you should keep them at arms length.

I'm sure there are many years of issues between all of you. Your fiL had just passed away and you instigated something about a FB post shortly after. Your DH probably saw it from this point and is defensive and protective of his family. After telling you not to call his sister you still went ahead. Off course your DH will get angry. You all need to grow up seriously.

"Firstly you need to get off FB. Knowing the previous problems you had with your in laws why did you need to share the joke on fb? These latest issues are all to do with FB, are you all a bunch of teenagers? "

The previous 'problem' wasn't something I'd even thought about. I don't see SIL, we aren't close. The racist issue was water long flowed under the bridge. She never entered my head when I read the joke. Please don't trot out the 'bunch of teenagers' crap. It's perfectly reasonable for adults to use FB to keep in touch.

"Why are you even trying so hard with your in laws. Can't you even avoid this whole issue, especially with your DH by just not bringing them up. If they contact you, don't contact you why are you concerned. With all the issues you are having with them you should keep them at arms length"

I'm not trying. I'm past caring about SIL or MIL. I am happy never to see any of them again tbh, however, when SIL insists on spewing her vitriol for my DD to read then it becomes my business and should really be OH's business as well.

I'm sure there are many years of issues between all of you. Your fiL had just passed away and you instigated something about a FB post shortly after. Your DH probably saw it from this point and is defensive and protective of his family. After telling you not to call his sister you still went ahead. Off course your DH will get angry. You all need to grow up seriously.

I instigated? SIL Instigated, not me. SIL took it upon herself to start yelling down the phone to OH how I was being mean to her and having digs at her. OH should, after 20 years, I'd have thought known me well enough to know that I wouldn't have done that, if I have something to say I'll damn well say it. I don't do veiled threats or little digs.
As for telling me to not call his sister, on what planet do you think that screaming at someone "IF YOU CALL HER OUR MARRIAGE IS OVER!" is rational and normal? At that point I was quite happy to speak to her rationally and find out exactly why she had a problem and explain that it wasn't aimed at her in any way.

Are you actually being serious coffeeTea? (can't directly quote as I'm on my phone but yhis is pretty muxh what you said)

Op has every right to phone sil if she wishes. Her H can say he doesn't want her to but he doesn't get to tell her what to do. Did you miss the part where he tried to wrestle the phone from her? If you think that's normal behaviour then that's quite concerning.

Yes this has happened through facebook but while reading the op and subsequent posts op has made it really does sound like this could and would have happened through any medium.

Op you sound like you've come to the conclusion that your relationship isn't worth continuing. If that is the case then don't wait until your dd is in college. She's already in the middle of everything anyway. I get that it's gcse year for her and obviously the less upheaval the better but I think it would be far more detrimental to her to come home to a house with an atmosphere all the time. I don't mean that harshly, but I've been in a situation where I didn't want to go home (because of a very different issue than yours) and it negatively effected my studies.

I've just spoken to my BF, had a good cry down the phone. She's suggested I set a date, 1st July. By then DD's GCSE's will be over and I've given this whole thing a chance to sort itself out.
OH has applied for other jobs closer to home which might in itself make a difference to his moods.
1st July 2014. Make or break I think.

The phone wrestling did leave me with bruised wrists actually, the first and only time I've known him to behave that way and I did make clear that it would be the last time should he ever treat me that way again.

It sounds to me as though there's much more behind this than a silly FB quarrel. The way your husband reacted in the phone-grabbing incident isn't normal. I wouldn't jump to say LTB but you need to get to the bottom of what's going on with him and decide how you want to deal with that. Worry about the MiL and SiL later. You might even find out that they know more about his issues than you do, and have decided for themselves that you are causing/failing to fix them, and that's what is at the bottom of the antagonism.

Great username, btw. I love Juice.

I think MIL has always been of the opinion I stole her little boy. SIL has always lived a fair distance away so we have never really been particularly close. She and MIL are always on the phone together though and I get the impression that when OH have disagreed or quarrelled in the past MIL has been straight on the phone to SIL to tell her all about it.

OH has always been very good at running back to his Mums house if we have had a row. I tried it once in our first year of marriage and my Mum sent me packing lol. She told me to go home and deal with my issues not hide out with her because I'd left home. MIL on the other hand welcomes OH with open arms and makes up a bed for him.

I made a lot of allowances over the last 4 months after his Dad died. He'd been bloody horrible to me at times and I let it all slide because I know its not easy.

SIL hadn't helped much, she works and I appreciate that but she could have come home at weekends but didn't. When she finally turned up at the hospice she bought her bloody manic dog with her into the hospice because it said on the website 'well behaved dogs welcome at prior appointment'. Quite why she couldn't put it in the kennels for a few days is beyond me, but there it was, in a dying mans room in the way of everyone. That is the type of person she is. Incredibly selfish. I recall her saying to OH once when we were considering moving away that we couldn't go because who would look after her parents. She couldn't possibly come home as it was such a lovely village she lives in!

And yes, Juice is my only little bit of escapism. Love him to bits